My husband won’t take PTO?
A Reddit user shared their struggles with a long-standing issue in their marriage: her husband’s refusal to take paid time off (PTO) unless it’s for major preplanned trips. Despite having unused vacation days and light workloads, he chooses to work, even during holidays, leaving her feeling undervalued. Can they find a way to align their priorities and make time for each other? Read the full story below to join the conversation.
‘ My husband won’t take PTO?’
This is the subject my (32F) husband (34M) and I have fought about the most in our relationship of more than 10 years. Unless we have a big, preplanned, international or group trip, he refuses to take PTO. He has been at the same company his entire career and I have begged him every year to take all his PTO and he never has once. Every year now he lets weeks expire. I have tried for years and I cannot get through to him no matter what I say.
I would never get him to take a day off here or there so I rarely try, so the holidays are really the worst times for this for our relationship. I have been asking him for more than a month about his plans for this holiday season for PTO and when he wants to take off for it.
I am off all through the holidays starting Monday and he has known that. My parents are in town most of next week. He has just kept saying he’ll think about it. I am left for a work this morning (I get back Saturday) so I felt like last night was the last chance to get an answer. I asked again and he still just said he would think about it.
I asked “why not take off?” He had no reason not to. He said he would think about taking Christmas Eve off when we already planned to take my parents to a museum they requested we go to. He said he could just not work so much and come to the museum but for the life of me I cannot understand why he wouldn’t just take the day off instead.
I know it is not pressure from work. He did such a great job on a project earlier this week that his boss told him to take the rest of the day off and he worked anyway. I have told him countless times how much I would like for him to take his PTO, especially at the holidays, so he is aware that this bothers me.
He just tells me I’m inserting myself too much into his business, essentially. He says it bothers him when I try to control what he does. It feels like a trap because then I avoid the subject, but it always blows up eventually.
I don’t know what to do. I feels like just hanging out with me is not enough of a reason for him to not work, even if the time would expire anyway. How do I convince him to take his PTO?
TLDR: Husband refuses to take PTO just for hanging out with me for the holidays, regardless if work is light enough to permit it and if he has plenty of time off.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
hayleymaya − Seems like he doesn’t wanna hang out with you
Azure_phantom − He’s a workaholic. He’s using work to escape from something he’s not satisfied with at home or with you, most likely. If he won’t talk about it with you, it might be time to seek out couples counseling.
He’s married to his job, to the detriment of your relationship. You need to make that clear to him – and if you can’t do it on your own, then do it with the assistance of a counselor.
umbrella_crab − Don’t freak out I’m just trying to cover your bases. Have you seen the paperwork? Do you know for certain that he’s not taking the time off? I only mention it because when it happened to me I was so blindsided i genuinely hadn’t considered any possibility other than “workaholic.” But really the basis is the same. He doesn’t want to spend time with you and it makes you feel s**tty.
pdperson − His PTO expires? So he’s working for free? Is he a chump?
Inconceivable76 − When you say expire, do you mean he is choosing to forego pay by working when the company would pay him to not work?
bakedbombshell − This is who he is, and he’s made it clear he’s not going to change. So you have to decide if you want to be with someone who works this much.
morgaina − If he doesn’t want to be around you, you can’t make him want it. I’m sorry.
cMeeber − Why do you even want to have to *convince* someone to hang out with you? He clearly doesn’t want to. You’re the one staying in a marriage with someone who would rather let earned paid time off expire than be with you.
scienceislice − I dated a man like this. It didn’t work out, he wanted everything to be on his terms, his work was the most important thing to him ever and he wasn’t willing to do anything to jeopardize his work like take an afternoon off for a three day weekend once a year. Never again will I date a workaholic. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be with you, he wants to be with his work *more*.
BrokenPaw − He does not wish to take time off. You can’t *make* him want to take time off, if he doesn’t want to take time off. You have begged, suggested, cajoled, pushed, pleaded, and asked time and time again.. He doesn’t want to do it.
The thing you have to do is: *Accept that he does not wish to take any time off*. And then plan your life accordingly. Because you’re never going to get him to change to meet your expectations of who he should be. He’s not responsible for being who *you* think he should be. He’s responsible for being the person *he* wants to be. And the person he wants to be doesn’t take PTO.
Should the husband prioritize taking PTO to spend quality time with his wife, or is it his choice to make? How would you navigate differing views on work-life balance in a relationship? Share your thoughts and suggestions below!