My husband cheated on me and is now asking if he is able to remain friends with the person he cheated with
A Reddit user opened up about her husband’s infidelity, their efforts to rebuild their marriage, and his controversial request to maintain a friendship with the affair partner.
Despite their progress in marriage counseling, his desire to reconnect with the person he cheated with has left her questioning how to move forward. Read the original story below to explore this complex situation.
‘ My husband cheated on me and is now asking if he is able to remain friends with the person he cheated with’
My (f42) husband (m44) and I have been together for just over 20 years and have small children (all under the age of 10). Just over 3 months ago my husband confessed to having an affair with a close friend of his. It was someone he has known for many, many years- about the same length of time that he has known me.
The affair lasted almost two years but I imagine that perhaps there was emotional cheating going on beforehand for goodness knows how long. His plan initially was to leave our marriage. After confessing the details of the affair to me he also shared everything with his parents/close friends, even his colleagues at work.
He had made plans to leave, going as far as signing a lease for a place, furnishing it and paying upfront a years worth of rent (money he was able to have access to by remortgaging our home). He was fully set on starting a new life.
I urged him to stay and give our marriage a chance to be saved, I felt we owed our relationship of over two decades that chance. It took a lot of work convincing him but he ended up deciding to stay.
And in the end, it was his decision to stay, and since making this decision he has said over and over that he is exactly where he wants to be -with his family. Since making the decision to stay, he has cut off contact with his affair partner (AP) and he has been no contact since. This was about 12 weeks ago.
There are a few red flags in that he hasn’t deleted her number, neither has he stopped following her on various social media platforms but -most importantly- the communication with her has ended completely. The reason why I know this for sure is because of the radical honesty he demonstrates in marriage counselling.
He talks openly and candidly about her in our sessions to the point where I find it triggering, but I understand that open communication is going to essential when it comes to rebuilding our marriage. I have to emphasise again that although he needed to be convinced to stay, I can see he is committed to rebuilding our marriage.
He wants it as much as I do. Something that he has brought up earlier on in our counselling sessions and brought up again very recently is his desire to have a friendship with his AP. He says because they were friends prior to cheating he would like for them to still have a friendship.
I have said I’m not comfortable with that, I said it the first time he made that suggestion and he brought it up again just a few days ago.
I am worried how this might impact our marriage if he is permanently cut off from her and I am unsure on what to do.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
DFahnz − I can see he is committed to rebuilding our marriage. He wants it as much as I do.. Does not compute with. He says because they were friends prior to cheating he would like for them to still have a friendship.. This should be your dealbreaker.
Witty-Stock − No no no. Divorce him and move on. He’s not willing to do what it takes to save your marriage. Suggesting he keep her in his life once was outrageous. Twice is putting a “Just Divorce Me” sign around his neck. You probably should have just let his treacherous ass walk out the door the first time.
2SadSlime − A 2 year affair, telling everyone he’s leaving you, signing a lease by remortgaging your house, and you “convinced” him to stay…how embarrassing
asleepinthealpine − you need to raise your standards, why is this man still your husband? How could you not have the ick for him by this point
PinkPier − If you don’t mind me asking, why did you waste so much energy begging him to stay with you, family or not? None of this sounds good. You’ve cajoled him into staying and he’s still talking about the woman he was doing behind your back. This isn’t going to end well for anyone. Just let him go and move on.
Soggy_Helicopter8610 − I’ve watched family members try to work it out after he had a two year long affair. It all started fine like the two of them were working on things together but after a while, I started to notice that really he’s been trying to change her over time.
Trying to shut her up when she talks about her feelings. Trying to pretend he’s done nothing wrong. I won’t be around them anymore and I actually don’t want my children around them because I really don’t like condoning the relationship that they have. This is largely due to his lack of contrition.
When we see him, he does not seem to think that he has anything to atone for and his actions show that. It may seem like you’re saving your family or your long relationship but from an outsiders perspective, there’s really no way to move forward without seeing some contrition from your partner.
Him wanting to have his partner as a friend in his life is a major red flag that he does not really feel the full weight of how he’s betrayed, not only you but your children and your family unit as a whole.
As an outsider, I do not want to be around someone who had the capacity to lie to their family and the people they supposedly love for two years for their own selfish reasons. The time that he took away from you and his children to spend with this woman. The money that he spent on dates with her.
All of these things contribute to a significant betrayal, and a person who is has a lack of moral integrity that I would be ashamed to condone by being around myself or allowing my children to be around, acting as though nothing happened.
If I were you, I would tear the Band-Aid off let him go back to his affair partner and try to salvage the long life that you have left now while you are young.
amaralove123 − Please respect yourself and end this marriage. Why are you trying to force someone to love and choose you. He already made his choice. He made all the arrangements to leave. Let him. He does not love you
OffKira − Guys, just so you know. I’m pretty sure this is the woman who keeps posting the same g**damn story every so often (I think there was one last week if not less than that). Husband cheated and still wants to be buddies with the AP. These are the 2 facts you guys need that aren’t present in this post:
1) She is under the delusion that he will fall back in love with her thru the sheer force of… 2) She told him she’d make co-parenting a living hell. Yeap. That’s why he’s staying (for now anyway).
59flowerpots − I sincerely doubt he ever stopped talking to his affair partner. He just got better at hiding it or you are so deep in denial that you refuse to see it.
The affair likely never stopped and it feels like his “radical honesty” during therapy is just a way to brag about the affair and humiliate you further. Get some self respect and leave. Asking him to work on your failed marriage was a mistake.
Waste-Win − Yesh, you have to admit you brought this upon yourself. HE CHEATED and yet YOU had to convince him to stay. Do you see the problem?
Should the husband’s request for a friendship with the affair partner be considered, or does it undermine the trust being rebuilt in their marriage? How would you approach rebuilding trust in such a situation? Share your thoughts below!