My husband (33M) refuses to spend time with me (26F) or our son (1 month)

A Reddit user (26F) shared her frustration and sadness about her husband’s (33M) lack of involvement with their 1-month-old son and family life. Despite his initial excitement about fatherhood, he now spends most of his time alone, leaving her to manage their baby, household chores, and bills. Feeling like a single parent despite being married, she wonders how to encourage him to reconnect with his family. Read the full story below:

‘ My husband (33M) refuses to spend time with me (26F) or our son (1 month)’

So, as the title says, my husband and I became first time parents in July. Our little boy is 1 month old, now and honestly, we are very lucky. This is one of those “rare” babies you hear of who puts himself on a schedule and is already (mostly) sleeping through the night – at least 6 hrs at a time. All my husband has talked about since we got engaged (4 years ago) was starting a family and raising kids.

He was so excited during my pregnancy and was nothing but supportive and wonderful, I figured this would continue once our son arrived and he would be the awesome father I knew he could be. The first week he was on Paternity leave (his job gave him two weeks) he was great, jumping to help and taking care of me and the baby while I recovered.

The second week he got sick, so he self quarantined himself to the upstairs of our home so as not to infect the baby, which I totally understand and appreciate. While he was sick, the baby and I started sleeping in the guest room. 10 days later, my husband was well again and back at work.

(My son and I are still sleeping in the guest room, because my husband refuses to go to bed with us and wakes both of us up when he comes to bed. Seperate rooms for 3 weeks and counting) Now, he works 11am to 930 pm at a desk job 4 days a week. Like I said before, my son is already on a schedule and is put to bed after his 10 pm feeding

So if my husband gets off off on time, he kisses him goodnight before we go to bed (when the baby sleeps, I try to as well). In the mornings, I can’t get him to get up early and spend time with us, despite repeated requests. He will sleep upstairs until 0945 am and then have to rush to get ready and leave for work. I have tried going in and waking him up, but meet with nothing but whining, resistance and anger.

On his days off, I have to force him to come with us to church or if we have to go somewhere, but other than that, he locks himself in his “mancave” and watches movies or plays video games, leaving me to care for my son, our two dogs and all of the household chores and bills (before I get crap for forcing him to go to church, this is a man who told me his dream.is to be a pastor).

I have tried talking to him and telling him to spend time with his son or with me, but he just won’t. I’m frustrated, tired and lonely. (Lets add to this that Maternity leave is hard for me, because I am used to working 60+ hrs a week in a busy ER and being around people all the time, so I feel very lonely and isolated)

I have a brand new appreciation for single mothers everywhere, but I am married! I’m not supposed to be doing this alone. How can I get him to want to spend time with us, and WHY do I have to convince this man to hang out with his family?!

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

kakapo999 −  On his days off, put the baby in his lap and leave the house. I’m not saying run off into the sunset and blow all your money at Vegas, I’m saying go have a coffee with friends. It gives you a bit of time away from bubs, and will give hubby some time with him. It can be hard on new dads sometimes, in a different way than it’s hard on new mums.

They can feel a bit disconnected – the baby doesn’t need them, and is still vacant enough not to want them, so dad can feel a bit like tits on a bull. It’s important to help them bond. Force the issue by making them to spend time alone together.

Important: don’t answer panicked phone calls with anything but “I’m sure you can figure it out, I trust you. Be back in a bit. Love you, bye!” You don’t want to encourage the learned helplessness of “I don’t know how to take care of this squalling midget, where’s its bloody mother?”

[Reddit User] −  Your husband needs time alone with the baby. It’s the only way he’ll bond with the baby. If you’re there, he’ll always just hand the baby straight back to you when he gets frustrated – and the bonding will never happen, and the frustration will never happen. ** edit: the frustration will keep happening.

Regular alone time with the baby is key, ideally daily. Get out of the house for a walk every morning or evening and give your husband a chance / force him to parent. It’ll be good for both him and parent. Also, give him total ownership of one aspect of childcare. Maybe it’s tummy time or bath time or daily story time. Whatever.

Floomby −  Google male postpartum depression. It’s a thing.

joker-lol −  In fairness, on the weekdays I can see where he’s coming from in not wanting to get up earlier if he really does work 11am-9:30pm. I’m tired after a normal work day! He needs to step up on his days off, though. I think you need to have a day where you go out for a few hours and he watches the baby. Tell him when you plan to do that so he’s prepared.

saltedcaramelsauce −  Is it possible he hasn’t bonded with the baby? You write that he was great the first week, very helpful and supportive. Maybe after it settled in, this huge new change in your lives, he realized he wasn’t as attached as he’d imagined he would be? You could try giving him a day alone with the baby while you’re out of the house. Maybe some father-son time would do him some good and he’ll start to bond with the little human.

BloodQueef_McOral −  Having a baby is a big change. It’s not what you expected, nor is it what he expected. It is overwhelming for the both of you. It seems like before you had kids, you were working pretty long hours, and didn’t have too much time together. Now it has changed.

No easy solutions. He is o**rwhelmed, and has found an escape in his man-cave. It is difficult to measure how much you can encourage him to help out, and how much you can push him before he breaks/melts-down/leaves. Also, how much can you handle until you break?

Most couples work their way through this without much pain, so you’ll likely work things out. If it keeps up for another few weeks, seek counseling before it gets too late, but for now, it’s pretty much within the norm.

pseudoseriousness −  It’s worth noting that he’s working 10.5 hour days. I get that he has little time on his 4 work days per week, but what about the others? Invade the mancave. It’s nice to have a place to retreat from stress once in a while, but he’s full-time retreating from all household responsibilities. Nope.

The_Impresario −  Sounds like depression.

Catheo-ShatteredHand −  Hi, Sorry to hear this is going on and I hate to say it but your husband is being a selfish ass. I assume he does none of the feeds or nappy changes? Its time to put the foot down and give him an ultimatum, either buck up and be a father or hit the road. My OH is due in 5 weeks and I plan to be with her and baby when I am not working.

My god how somebody can have a child and think its OK to become a complete hermit and leave looking after their child to the mother. The days when a mother was the homemaker and made to look after children are long gone. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, he has no right to call himself the father of your child.

From the comment you posted, in my eyes he is nothing more than a sperm donor. A real Father steps up and takes care of mother and child. I hope he realises his error and sorts himself out, for both you and your babies sake.

Misty_Rose98 −  You need to sit down with him one day and talk. Tell him that you understand that now that’s he’s working again he’s very busy and wants to enjoy his free time to himself but that he should consider spending at least some time with you and the baby.

Waking him up early like you’ve been doing isn’t really the best idea since he just gets grouchy, so just talking to him should help him understand your feelings somewhat.

Obviously being back at work is stressing him out and I’m guessing he feels that caring for the baby is even more work but you just need to ask for a reasonable amount of his time to spend as a family. He’ll still get to enjoy his time to himself but he can’t distance himself from you and the baby too much.

Parenting is a shared responsibility, and when one partner withdraws, it can strain the family dynamic. How should this mother approach her husband to rebuild their connection and ensure their baby gets the attention and love of both parents? Share your thoughts below.

For those who want to read the sequel: