My husband (33M) just asked me to quit my hobby and say goodbye to my hobby friends. I really don’t want to say yes to that. What should I do?
A Reddit user (31F) shares a troubling situation where her husband (33M) wants her to give up a hobby that has brought her happiness and connected her with new friends. After struggling with depression and isolation, she found joy in watching table tennis and bonding with an online community.
However, her husband is unsupportive and insists that she quit, believing her hobby is a waste of time. She feels torn between her husband’s controlling demands and her desire to maintain her newfound happiness. Read the original story below to explore the full details and the conflict she’s facing.
‘ My husband (33M) just asked me to quit my hobby and say goodbye to my hobby friends. I really don’t want to say yes to that. What should I do?’
My husband (33M) and I (31F) have been married for 5 years, but for the past few years, I’ve struggled with severe depression. I haven’t worked since 2019, and my self-esteem has been so low that I’ve cut off contact with friends and family.
My husband has been the only source of support, but his approach to helping me has become increasingly controlling. He sets strict daily schedules for me, punishes me when I don’t meet expectations, and expects me to do everything he says. He believes this is helping me, but it feels more like he’s treating me like a child.
Earlier this year, I discovered a love for watching table tennis and started making friends online, something I hadn’t done in years. I even created a fan page, and for the first time in a long time, I felt happy and connected. One of the friends I made has become really close, and we talk about everything.
My husband, however, is not happy with this. He disapproves of me spending time on this hobby and wants me to quit, saying it’s a waste of time. He doesn’t like that I’m connecting with people outside of our home, especially because they share my native language, which he doesn’t approve of since we live in the U.S.
I don’t want to give this up. It’s the happiest I’ve felt in years, but I’m torn between my husband’s demands and my newfound joy. He wants me to quit everything that brings me happiness, just because it doesn’t fit into his idea of what I should be doing.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Cryptid_Chaser − Are you currently being actively treated for your depression? That’s the root of the problems here. I don’t know if your husband is making your mental state worse, but I have a strong suspicion that your dynamic is. But no, don’t let your husband isolate you from the only social outlet you have left. Isolation will make you feel even worse.
JustAsICanBeSoCruel − Holy f**k. They reason he wants you to no longer connect with your girls is becuse he wants you isolated. That way he can b**ly you into doing what he wants becuse you have zero support outside of him. This isn’t just codependency. This is abuse.
I know that word gets used a lot, but OP…you are being abused and I have no doubt that once you break free from this man, you will find you have so much more energy. Please prioritize becoming independent so you can break free. Get you own bank account and atart putting money in it.
Tell your friends everything you said here so they know to reach out. But there is no happy ending in this relationship. It only gets worse. Please, for the love of God, do not have a child with this man. You will be stuck with him for life and will never fully be able to be free of him.
bookshop − You have much bigger problems than whether or not to delete your XHS account. Your husband is controlling your time, finances, social life, and most forms of communication and now wants to prevent you from creating other avenues of escape for yourself.
Like others have said, this is an extreme form of coerceive control. This is an extremely dangerous situation you’re in, and you need to take seriously the likelihood of him escalating to violence regardless of what choices you try to make.
Whatever you do, though, definitely keep that line of communication to your Chinese friends open — the fact you have ways to reach people outside of the home in a way that’s inaccessible to your husband is very important to your safety.
If you have any IRL friends or trusted people in your life, you need to make a real exit plan now, get as far away as you can, and do NOT return. If at all possible, leave now, leave cleanly and sever all ties while you still can.
A man who is already controlling this much of your life will escalate to violence if you give him any excuse to do so, and that wll make leaving later on that much more difficult and dangerous.. Good luck.
codeedog − It’s not depression when your brain recognizes your partner is your jailer, but you consciously do not. Time for a jailbreak—metaphorically or in actuality. You’re allowed to enjoy your life, especially when you find something that makes you happy. Also, who locks up a bunny‽ Like, WTAF?
ordeci − I’m going to let you on in on a little secret; in a normal healthy relationship a partner encourages and accepts your hobbies. If you were in the UK he would be breaking the law (coercive control) by doing this. It’s abuse. No loving partner seeks to control or “punish”.
You are not a child and he’s certainly not your parent. As hard as this is to hear, you need to run far away. All this is on him, it’s not you whatsoever. He has something wrong with him that’s making him act this way. It doesn’t matter *why*, only that he *is*. Please don’t fall for the sunk cost trap.
CanofBeans9 − You are being abused and controlled. He doesn’t like your new hobby because it makes you happy and it’s outside of his control. He says he’s helping you but really he wants you to stay depressed because it gives him an excuse to further control you. But he is not a clinician. He is not licensed.
He has no medical basis for these things. You should see if you can speak to a social worker about your situation, or get a therapist who is also a social worker. They can set you up with agencies that do job training and try to help you get out from underneath his control.
If you speak Chinese, you might be in demand in various jobs in the US as an interpreter or translator. And I just read your comment about your phone and wow, that’s scary. He’s basically stolen your phone. Do you know their number? Do you have spending money, can you get somewhere to buy a new cheap phone? Can you email them?
roadblocked − This is tragic. I suspect your a**sive marriage is a huge part of your depression
princessofperky − You know your husband is being a**sive by isolating you from the world. He’s beating you down by making you feel bad about yourself so you won’t fight back. And I’m pretty sure he’s making your MH challenges worse.
I think you need to find a way to contact your family and ask for help. You’re an adult. He doesn’t get to punish you or decide who you can talk to.
Find ways to get out of the house and interact with people.
spoopityboop − This is abuse. This level of control is not healthy, and it is definitely the reason you’re so depressed. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this but the only way out is to leave him. He is treating you like a child—worse, children are allowed to have hobbies—and it will only get worse.
Do you have any family in the country? If not, are any of your table tennis friends even slightly nearby? If you had someone you could go stay with for a while, it might be a good idea. I think if you got some distance from him and told someone else about all of this, it’d be easy to see how much better off you would be without him.
Do you think the Reddit user’s decision to maintain her hobby and friendships is justified, or should she prioritize her husband’s wishes? How would you handle a similar situation where personal freedom and marital expectations clash? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!