My husband [32M] drunkenly let slip that he “knows” I [30F] cheated years ago and is okay with it. I never cheated.
A Reddit user (30F) shares a troubling situation where her husband (32M) drunkenly claims to “know” that she cheated on him years ago with a coworker. Despite her insistence that she never cheated, her husband insists that he forgave her for it,
and now won’t engage in a serious conversation about it. The user feels hurt by this and doesn’t want her husband to believe such an accusation, but is unsure whether to let it go or press the issue. Read the original story below:
‘Â My husband [32M] drunkenly let slip that he “knows” I [30F] cheated years ago and is okay with it. I never cheated.?’
My husband Derek and I have been married for 3 years, together for 7 total. Several years ago (about 6 now, I guess), I worked closely with a male coworker, Paul, that Derek was never fond of. Paul and I *never* had an inappropriate relationship. Derek’s jealousy wasn’t completely out of nowhere, I get why he felt that way.
Those couple years were a perfect storm of relationship stress; I was working long hours, we were living apart after trying and failing to move in together, our relationship was still *fairly* new, and then you add in a handsome coworker I had to spend long hours with and saw more than my boyfriend at the time.
Paul was the source of several fights.
Again, we never did anything that wasn’t completely kosher. Eventually I told Derek he needed to trust me and get over it, or we were going to have to break up. He said he would stop worrying, and for the most part things were good. When Paul transferred out of state a few months later, things were really good. There were no worries at all and our relationship has been amazingly strong ever since.
This last weekend, my husband went out with a couple friends to some bars and a football game. When he came home, he was pretty wasted. We talked for a bit, and he mentioned how a friend of his had told him that he broke up with his girlfriend because she cheated on him. I commented on how that was a bummer and good for him for finding out before they got too serious.
Derek, however, had a different take on it. He said it was a shame because they had seemed like a good couple and if they really loved each other his friend could move past the cheating, just like he had with me. At first I thought my husband was admitting to cheating on me, and asked him what he meant.
He told me he always knew that Paul and I had slept together “at least once” all those years ago, but he knew I was the one for him and forgave me. I told Derek that I had never so much as even hugged Paul (except maybe at his going away party), let alone slept with him. Derek sort of just patted me on the arm, said “Of course”, and passed out.
The next morning I asked him about the conversation and he said it was okay, he had forgiven me, it wasn’t even an issue. I again stressed that I had never cheated on him with anybody and I needed him to believe me. He sort of did the same “Of course you didn’t, babe *wink*” thing again and went to work.
Every time I’ve tried to talk to him since, he won’t hear me out. I’m this close to losing it with him. I need him to know that I never cheated, and I’m hurt that he thinks I would do something like that. What do I do? Do I just let him have this since it’s not really hurting anything, or what? I don’t want my own husband to think so little of me that he thinks I would cheat. That’s not who I am..
These are the responses from Reddit users:
arcxiii − Set time aside and tell him you need to sit down and have a talk. Tell him how this has made you feel. You need to show him that even if he doesn’t want to talk through it you need to. Don’t let him blow it off. If you are afraid of how that conversation will go, write out your feelings in a letter or email.
ivegotaqueso − I again stressed that I had never cheated on him with anybody and I needed him to believe me. He sort of did the same “Of course you didn’t, babe wink” thing again and went to work. …the f**k? You sure he isn’t projecting on you and did some cheating himself? Who says that kind of s**t with a wink?
Anti-DolphinLobby − Here’s what I would say to him, you can tweak it as needed. “I’m sorry, but I can’t let this go. I never cheated on you. I am devastated that you believe I’m capable of that, and it makes me wonder how low your opinion of me is. Refusing to believe me when I tell you the truth is only hurting me more.
‘Forgiving’ me does not make it okay. I’m upset that you think of me as a cheater and a liar, and ‘forgiving’ me just reinforces that you think I’ve done something terrible.
If you can’t trust my word on something this important, our relationship must be a lot worse than I thought it was.
I thought that you knew me better. I thought you trusted me more. After this revelation I’m very hurt and worried about where we stand. I need you to go to couples counseling with me so we can resolve this.”
[Reddit User] − You’re not going to resolve this on your own. Tell him you want to go to counseling to get help moving past this, because that’s how serious it is to you.. And then do it.
OtherKindofMermaid − Yikes. So he really thinks you cheated, but forgave you without actually talking to you about it? That’s really weird. Is he using this as some kind of moral superiority thing? Like “look what an amazing person I am that I can forgive this”?
Or…I hate to say it, but is there any chance he cheated and is using this to justify himself somehow? I think you should schedule some couple’s therapy ASAP. Edit: the timing of this is really weird. Why would he bring it up now, years later?
sh_periwinkle − Honestly, this sounds like the kind of thing I would do; assume the worst, hold onto the assumption that the worst is reality and decide to be ok with the worst so as not to get hurt if it ever comes to light. It’s stemmed from a deep rooted insecurity. (Unfortunately in my case it was actually true; it really sucks when your paranoia becomes validated.
I can also say from experience that it doesn’t do much to soften the blow when, as I said before, the worst comes to light.) Sooo, as a mental exercise, it’s not all that worthwhile. If you had actually said “you’re right, I did cheat,” he wouldn’t have responded as coolly; he’d be crushed just like anyone would.
Bottom line, he’s upsetting you with his lack of trust. You may not be able to get him to eliminate this coping mechanism, but you should definitely communicate to him that. A) It’s upsetting you and. B) it’s obsolete anyway.
[Reddit User] − You need to first and foremost get to the bottom of *why* he thinks that you cheated on him when, as you say, your relationship with Paul was never inappropriate. This will involve going over some of your memories for instances that could have been misconstrued, and it will also involve talking to Derek and getting to the bottom of this.
Once that’s figured out, you need to stress the importance of trust in your relationship with Derek. This is odd, that he just accepted you cheated on him without ever mentioning it in the past. I can’t think of a single person who would just let something like that go and carry on as normal.
And then you need to find some way to make Derek see that you did not cheat on him. This has the power to ruin your relationship down the road. What if he starts developing an inappropriate relationship with a female coworker? Are you going to be allowed to tell him to stop or is he going to shove “Paul” in your face and use his forgiving you as justification for future misbehavior?
That’s just one potential issue that could arise from this. Also, what if he starts telling people that you cheated on him? That’s not fair. There are many issues here. Don’t just “let him have this” because it *will* become an issue.
This is a very muddy situation. Don’t waste time feeling insulted or angry with him. Spend your energy on figuring out how to solve this. Involving a professional could be helpful if a few conversations don’t seem to improve the situation.. Good luck, OP.
zebrasandgiraffes − Girl, I would bet my car that Derek is cheating on you right now. I have posted this on reddit several times before but there is a rule of thumb I have in life. That if someone stridently accuses you of something that you KNOW is not true of you, it’s likely that it is actually true of that person.
So, in a workplace, if a co-worker started stridently accusing me of stealing when I never did anything remotely close to stealing, I would begin to suspect them of stealing. If someone, out of nowhere, started accusing me of being a child abuser, I would start to suspect they were a child abuser.
If a mechanic suddenly started accusing me of using the wrong kind of motor oil, I would suspect they messed up and gave me the wrong kind of motor oil. If someone started stridently insisting that I had cheated when I didn’t, I would suspect them of cheating. That’s just how I think these things often go. ESPECIALLY with cheating.
I actually had this happen to me once in “reverse” as well which gave an interesting view of how it works. When I was 18 and in college I had a so-called friend who sort of used me and bullied me. He used me to come out of the closet and tell TMI about his a**l s** escapades, but then he would tell me how fat and ugly and embarrassing I was all the time.
Anyhow one time he was drunk and admitted a kind of gross, but minor trait about himself – he said his belly button smelled bad. Well later on he was so embarrassed by that, he claimed that he had never said that and it was ME who had said it and everyone must be just confused! Cause I was so gross, ya know.
He stridently insisted I had a stinky belly button when nothing of the sort was remotely true and it was actually true of HIM. And of course, in that example, the more subtle things this guy said were also part of the same phenomenon. For example he would tell me I was gross and embarrassing to be seen in public with, in fact at times he would straight up tell me, I won’t be seen in public with you.
However, I was not embarrassing at all, and I was a well-liked, friendly person with plenty of nice friends and members of the opposite s** who were interested in me. But I think he was feeling like he was gross and feeling a great deal of shame about himself (due to his s**ual orientation in that time and place probably.). People, they love projection.
shamesister − He likes this because he gets to feel like a forgiving martyr who will do anything for love.. Plus he gets feel superior.
Modus-Pwnens − Well, just track down Paul and sleep with him. Problem solved!
It’s deeply painful when trust in a relationship is undermined by false accusations, especially when it’s something as serious as cheating. The Reddit user is left grappling with the hurt of her husband’s belief, and her struggle to clear her name. Should she keep pushing for clarity and trust, or step back and let it go in the hope that it’s just a drunken misunderstanding? What would you do in her shoes? Share your thoughts below.