My husband (32/m) is upset that I (31/f) don’t look more like a mom.

A 31-year-old Redditor is grappling with her husband’s increasing frustration over her maintaining her appearance and personal routine after becoming a mother. While she believes keeping parts of her identity, like her appearance and routine, helps her be a better mom,

her husband feels that she’s not as focused on their son as he is, comparing her to his own mother. She wonders if it’s normal for new moms to sacrifice their personal routines completely, or if this is a deeper issue in their relationship. Read the full story below:

‘ My husband (32/m) is upset that I (31/f) don’t look more like a mom.’

Dan and I have been married for 3 years and 8 months ago welcomed our amazing son into the world. He was very planned and wanted and motherhood had been transformative for me. I was able to take 4 1/2 months maternity leave before going back to work. Without going into too many details, we both work white collar jobs that require professional attire.

A normal work day look for me is a skirt or pair of slacks, a silk blouse, pumps or boots depending on the weather (but always with a heel because I’m 5 foot nothing), maybe a blazer if I have a big meeting. Dan wears a suit almost everyday. I also style my hair and do some makeup for work everyday. This is what I wore before our son was born and what I continue to wear.

Dan and I are pretty even in sharing parenting duties. I tend to take mornings because I’m more of a morning person that Dan. A normal morning for me starts early, short workout, shower, get baby up, get ready, get baby ready and baby off to Dan because the daycare is on Dan’s way to work.

I’m normally dressed at the tail end of this process but I keep my robe on over my clothes in case my son wants to give my outfit something to remember him by on our way out the door. For the last month or so, Dan has been more irritable than normal in the morning. There have been side comments if he gets up and I’m drying my hair or getting dressed- basically if I’m not 100% focused on my son in the am.

Our son is happy playing and supervised so I just chalked it up to morning moodieness but it’s been getting worse. Last night I brought it up in what I thought was a neutral, non confrontational way. Basically his answer was this: his mom was 100% a mom after her kids were born. She gained a fair amount of weight after she had kids and never tried to lose it.

She wore sweatpants everyday and works a job where she wears a uniform so if she wasn’t in her work uniform she was in sweats and a tshirt. She never did her hair or make up. Her entire identity was being a mom and she’s shared with me how hard it was to watch her kids start their own lives.

Dan thinks I don’t care about our son as much as he does since I worked on losing the baby weight and still put effort into my appearance. I feel like keeping this part of my identity actually helps me be a better mother. I love my son but I’m still me and I still have the things I like to do. Dressing wel my identity actually helps me be a better mother.

I love my son but I’m still me and I still have the things I like to do. Dressing well, blowing out my hair and doing my make up are therapeutic to me. Now that being said, my son is my life and if I knew that not doing those things but guarantee him a happy healthy life I would stop immediately.

I told Dan that my son and I have our morning routine and he gets lots of time and attention before I go to the office. Dan said he wasn’t looking to fight but he just wanted me to think about my priorities and my time management. Is it normal for new moms to totally sacrifice all the things you like to do? Is this a sign of something deeper I need to address with my husband?

See what others had to share with OP:

-purple-is-a-fruit- −  “I hate the way my wife bore me a child and still looks hot and gets up with our baby so I don’t have to.” Who is this guy?

mcq76 −  He should stop projecting his views of motherhood and memories of his own mom onto you. It’s inaccurate and just a little creepy. It sounds like you’re spending time with your kid, so he has nothing to complain about. I can’t even begin to attempt the amount of logical gymnastics that would get me to think that dressing like a slob means you somehow love your kid more.

FeelingFascination −  Tell him you expect him to wear sweatpants, gain weight, only talk about his son, never go on nights out, or he’s not a good enough dad. Sound insane and unreasonable? Exactly. Also, frankly it’s good that you’re addressing it now. Don’t let him bully you into isolation or more than your fair share of family duties.

He is not a mum, he doesn’t get to dictate how you are a mum. Retaining your independence and sense of self is immensely important at this point in your life. You are more than a childcare vessel, just as he is more than that. Also point out that you aren’t his mother. Frankly it’s weird that he wants to remake you in her image.

[Reddit User] −  I would ask him if he can name one area or task that you need to improve on, related to actually mothering your baby and not what he thinks a good mom looks like physically. Are you not quick enough about changing his diaper, are you inattentive when he needs to be held? Husband’s being totally unreasonable if he can’t name a real result.

[Reddit User] −  he just wanted me to think about my priorities and my time management Tell him you’ve thought about it, and you’d really like him to articulate what critical baby needs he feels you’re neglecting in the time it takes you to get through your morning routine. Does he really think you wouldn’t drop everything and go attend to your son in case of an emergency?

And how exactly does he feel that he is a better person today for his mom not having taken the time to get dolled up every now and then? Or if he does think your kids would benefit from having a parent who’s less career-focused, why does that obligation fall to you and not him when he’s the one who feels so strongly about it?

Having a baby changed your lives: it didn’t change who *you* are, and you are a working woman who wants to present herself professionally while she’s on the job. If that’s a problem for him, then the two of you do need to have a substantive discussion about where these expectations are coming from

and exactly what he thinks your priorities should be. Especially if you’re planning on having more kids. Because if this is what he expects of you, imagine what kind of example he’s going to try and set for your daughters.

nogoodthrowaway −  If your life becomes your children, who are you after they leave?

tbutylator −  Is he planning on going full dad? With growing beer belly, backwards hat, khaki shorts, and dad joke tshirt?? This is so strange. Maybe he just thought all women stopped caring about themselves after having a child? Either way you guys should definitely talk and you should tell him that taking care of yourself is healthy and important to you.

wanderingdev −  This is how marriages crash and burn. Couples turn into only mom and dad with the kids being the entire focus and there being no individual or couple identity. Caring about how you look doesn’t make you any less of a mom. He sounds insecure.

acciointernet −  Wait, so…he’s…upset that you’re not gaining weight permanently, wearing sweatpants and a tshirt, letting your makeup/hair go, and giving up on your career and outside hobbies? I… I don’t understand. Why??? Why wouldn’t he be happy and proud to keep the woman he fell in love with the same way after introducing a child into the equation?

Is he projecting onto you his own insecurities about his mom (the way some mothers get angry at “fit moms” for setting the bar too high or whatever)? Does he think that you working to stay fit and look nice means that you can’t do your motherly duties?

I wonder if his mother ever used to complain/trash talk in front of him when he was a child, like “Oh I gained so much weight, but that’s because I care about you guys so much. Julia’s mom is well dressed but that’s because she never sees her kids” or “Poor Bob, his mom is never home, look at her always running around. She spends more time fixing her hair than paying attention to him!”

I see in your comments that you do most of the morning work taking care of your son. Maybe try sitting him down and drawing up a list of how you guys spend your mornings. Gently ask him, “Why is it that you can shower and leave while only doing X, whereas I do Y, Z, A, B, and C, but that’s not enough because I also manage to be efficient enough to take care of myself?”

Dolomite808 −  You need to tell him “I am not your mom, and while I’m sure your mom was a great mother, her way is not the only way. I am going to be a great mom in my own way.” You shouldn’t have to discard who you were to be a mom, and the good news is that you don’t.

Tell him that if he has *specific* problems with the way you are parenting then you will consider them in a reasonable discussion, but that you won’t tolerate any more implications that not acting like his mother means you aren’t being a good mother.

It can be a challenge to maintain your identity while adjusting to motherhood, and it’s clear that different people have different expectations. Should new moms have to sacrifice their personal routines for their children? How can couples navigate this delicate balance? Share your thoughts below!