My husband (31M) thrashed me (29F) when I wanted him to wake up at night to tend to our baby. How do I move on?
A Reddit user opened up about a distressing incident involving her husband, whose medication for PTSD-induced night terrors led to unintended harm during a desperate moment.
As a new mom struggling with exhaustion and limited support, she’s searching for ways to cope with this challenging situation. Read the original story below for more details.
‘ My husband (31M) thrashed me (29F) when I wanted him to wake up at night to tend to our baby. How do I move on? ‘
Husband and I have been married for 7 years. We recently welcomed our baby girl 3 months ago and things have been really really hard.
My husband, without disclosing any personal details, experienced trauma in his teens, and is on medication.
He takes a medication at night that prevents night terrors, however it induces heavy sleep and he cannot wake up until morning falls. This all is necessary for him to manage his PTSD. This is proving to be extremely difficult because he hardly wakes up at night in response to baby’s cries, and I feel some mild resentment.
Even though I know he’s not being intentional in ignoring both of us, but I’m tired. So tired I can’t cope. One day I just fainted and felt depersonalised because I was so exhausted. I cried a lot that day. What if my daughter was in my arms when I collapsed? It terrified me.
I was really feeling desperate and asked my husband if he could try to take it easy on his nightly medication because I really needed his support, which I know was a bad move speaking from what I just experienced now.
First few nights, nothing major happened and he stepped up to help, however one night he just started thrashing around, pushed me off the bed, which caused some bleeding from my head and bruised my eyelid.
It didn’t look like he was in his senses when that happened, and when next morning he woke up, he asked me very concerned what the hell had happened? I fought with him that day even though he profusely apologised for what happened.
Obviously I know what he did was not intentional because he didn’t even remember doing that in that altered state, and he doesn’t have a history of being violent with me. It’s the first time this sort of thing has happened and I’m unable to let go.
He is a fully available parent in other areas of our lives together but this area is the one I need him the most. I’m just so angry at myself and him, that this happened. Even though it wasn’t his fault, I still feel angry.
I have literally no support in terms of family as we are immigrants and can’t support to hire childcare, nor qualify for any citizen related benefits. I have no idea how to process all this.
I want my husband to be there with me at nights but this incident shook me and I can’t seem to accept the fact that he may never get up at night for the baby because it’s not recommended.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
w3rehamster − Just reducing the dose of these medications without consulting a doctor can be very dangerous. You have to be weaned off of some meds to avoid such side effects. Quite apart from the fact that he needs these to be a functioning human being, and this might very well have an effect on his ability to parent during the day as well.
I feel like this should have been a conversation before you had the child, however, if it wasn’t now it’s time to do that. I understand your resentment, but you need to let go of this for a hot minute while you two figure out a solution that will work for both of you.
This is not him not stepping up. As someone else already suggested, maybe you can break the night up into shifts where he goes first. Or he can make sure you get to nap during the day.
Happygrandmom − You have to sleep at moments that he’s not asleep. During the day or when he comes home from work or something like that. Anyhow, there must be moments you’re both home and it’s not night. You can take the nights with the baby, and get as much sleep during the day as possible. It doesn’t seem a good idea for him quitting his meds.
Emotional-Stick-9372 − Don’t ever ask him to alter his medicine without talking to a doctor first again. He is taking it because he NEEDS it. He’s not being a bad husband or father.
He may need to temporarily reduce his hours at work so he can take over for you to get your rest throughout the day. The first year is supposed to be one of the hardest for new parents. You can also contact his doctor and discuss ways to help him with his night terrors.
Raibean − 1. He needs his medication. 2. You also need sleep, and you need him to be there when you are sleeping. 3. It’s time to consider alternate schedules. How much wiggle room do you have in your schedules? How many hours is he home?
Is it possible for you to sleep immediately when he comes home, for him to take his medication at the normal time, and for you to do night duty once he is asleep?
Is it possible for him to take his medication immediately when he gets home and sleep 8 hours, you to do your normal routine and when he wakes up he handles the early morning until he leaves for work?
PTSSuperFunTimeVet − I am also on that medication, and I am a so sorry you have to carry that extra weight. It can be challenging being married to people like us. My PTSD comes from combat, and I unfortunately once punched my mom while she attempted to wake me up. I felt so bad. I could not apologize enough.
The fact is, you are in a marriage with someone disabled. Disabilities are challenging for the entire family. I am certain your husband was on that medication before you got pregnant. I know you may resent him for not waking up, but that all was there before the baby came.
Unfortunately, you will have to handle the night shift solo because of your husband’s disability. But not all is lost. You can minimize your disappointment for your husband by having him carry a much of the baby weight during his waking hours.
Maybe he picks up a few of your chores while you nap during the day. Compromises must be made and flexibility maintained. My husband and I decided not to have children because we predicted our marriage did not need such stress. He was willing to make that sacrifice for me.
Congratulations on your baby! It is a wonderfully stressful time in any parent’s life, but here you are handling it with a disabled spouse. It sounds exhausting, stressful, frustrating and overwhelming. However, this is only temporary. Your child will eventually learn how to sleep through the night. This is temporary. You got this, mom!
HelpfulName − I know you’re struggling, but your resentment and requests of your husband during the night are unreasonable and unkind. He essentially has a disability, and he CANNOT be the night time partner you want from him. And this isn’t some new thing he’s sprung on you, you knew this when you had a child with him.
You two need to either get day-time support so you can get some rest (go to churches, non profits, even the hospital where you had your baby, there ARE local resources that could give you some relief, every area has some support for new parents) or work harder & hire a night babysitter to help you at night.
Now, if his doctor approves a ramp down of his night medication, and that works for him, **then you need to sleep separately while he’s there to share parent duties at night.** Right now, you’re being unkind and unreasonable.
Your exhaustion and needs as a new mother are **valid**, but your husband’s needs are also valid. You resenting him and asking him to do things that put his health at risk (let alone yours)… this is not OK. You NEED to accept that he has a life-long medical condition, and stop expecting unreasonable things from him.
sb0212 − 1. Reducing his dose without speaking to his doctor first was not a safe decision. Consult his doctor asap about what he can do so he can be present at night to help out if that’s possible.
2. Go to therapy. You are still in the postpartum stage and your feelings will be intense. Your feelings are valid and therapy can help you move on from what your husband couldn’t control (the thrashing.) It wasn’t his fault, and you need to let this resentment go.
3. If possible have family or friends try to help out at nights or early mornings. If no one is available, see if you have any funds to hire help.
4. Give your husband grace. He’s been on this medication before baby and the two of you should have come up with the plan before baby arrived. It’s not too late to come up with a plan. If he can’t help at all during the night, then he needs to step up the second he wakes up and take care of the baby.
5. The late night wakings and feedings aren’t forever, you two will get through this.. I wish you the best.
Gloomy_Ruminant − When my son went through a bout of recurrent ear infections my husband and I split the night into shifts so we could each get a full sleep cycle. This might be something you could try with your husband.
If he took the first shift and went to bed after it’s over then you wouldn’t have to worry he’d be sleeping too hard to hear the baby. It is hard to only get 4-5 hours of sleep, but it’s not as hard as no sleep.
Creepy_Push8629 − What was your plan when you decided to have a baby while knowing he is on nighttime medication?. You need to be able to sleep.
If that means that you go to sleep when he gets home from work so he can take care of the baby until he goes to bed, then that’s what you need to do. You know he can’t wake up, so together figure out a way for you to be able to sleep.
Princess-She-ra − You keep saying that you understand it’s not intentional and you understand he needs the medicine, but I don’t think you really do. You have to accept that this is a disability that he has.
It’s as if you would be angry at a blind mind for not being able to see, and then forcing the blind man to drive and then be upset that he got into an accident. You need to accept that **he can’t manage without these pills**.
And trust me, I get it, you have a baby and you’re sleep deprived and you want him to do this. I would suggest that he talks to his doctor immediately about getting back on the pills and you look into some outside support for yourself, both physical support (maybe hire a temp night nurse) as well as a safe place where you can vent.
How would you navigate a situation where your partner’s health needs conflict with the demands of parenting? Do you think the user’s anger is justified despite the circumstances? Share your perspective below!