My Half Sister has asked me to donate a kidney for her. I’m a match, but told her I wasn’t.

A Reddit user (29F) has been asked by her half-sister (33F) to donate a kidney to her. After being tested, the user found out that she’s a match, but her husband and she decided against it, fearing the risks to her health, especially with plans to have children in the future.

Her sister has already been told that the user isn’t a match. Now, the user wonders whether she should tell her half-sister the truth about being a match or continue to let her believe that she isn’t one. Read the original story below:

‘ My Half Sister has asked me to donate a kidney for her. I’m a match, but told her I wasn’t.’

I (29f) am not close with my half sister Kara (33f). She has always been very clear about not wanting to be close. She never takes up offers to stay with me and the only times I have seen my ‘nieces’ have been when I ask. I drive up, I take them out to dinner, and she calls the night short because they have an early bedtime.

She has told me that she doesn’t want them calling me auntie because it would be validating my father’s cheating. Which is true, I am the cheating baby. Still, I wanted to have a relationship with my nieces *4 and 6* but have now pretty much given up. I talk to them on the phone bimonthly. I sent presents and write them letters. I am much closer to my brother’s kids and am an auntie to several friends’ offspring.

Kara (33f) called me up last month and asked to get coffee. We are about two hours apart, so it’s a bit of a drive to see her. I agreed, she sounded rough. While Kara is my half-sister, she has no relation with my brother (who was adopted). There isn’t a lot of other family members around to ask. Most are either too old, too young, or not a match.

My aunt (67) could not donate even if she was a match. Most of Kara’s friends have tried and they are not matches. She asked me to get tested. I agreed, thinking I wouldn’t be a match. Turns out I am. My husband and I decided that I wouldn’t donate because we want to have kids in the future and I don’t want to risk my health. The doctor agreed to tell Kara I am not a match.

I have seen what happens to people who donate. I have a friend who donated and her life is fucked. She has a lot of health problems, couldn’t do the things she did before, and she is only 27. At 29, I don’t want to suffer the same fate for the rest of my life.

I just wonder if I should be honest with her at all? Will it do any good to tell her I am a match but I have reasons to not do it (wanting to have a child, not wanting to be ill?) Would it just make it worse? She has already been told that I am not a match and put on a waiting list.

Part of me thinks I am being selfish for wanting to tell her. Another part of me feels I shouldn’t be lying to her about who I am. We have never been close, so I feel it’s wrong to pretend I am on her side when really I am deciding to put my own health and life first. Do I tell her? Or do I not? I jut wondered how to handle this.

Check out how the community responded:

Spoonbills −  Do nothing further. There’s a reason your doctor offered to lie: because you, and every other prospective donor, have every right, morally and legally, to not have a part of your body removed for someone else’s potential benefit.

You do not deserve to be criticized or have your life made otherwise difficult for choosing not to donate. Doctors are obligated to follow some pretty arcane ethical rules. If an ethical doctor agrees to obscure your test results, there’s a good reason for it.

embo13 −  Regardless of your decision, as someone who has studied and worked in a clinical setting regarding kidney transplantation I have to call out that you have been largely misinformed of the risks. First of donors that are match are thoroughly evaluated before they can donate to rule them out if they have any conditions that would put them at risk;

to ensure they will survive the surgery with no major complications; and to ensure the candidate is not a risk for developing kidney disease themselves. Although this evaluation cannot predict the future as in many other aspects of life, it is considered best clinical practice and proven to be very successful.

Secondly I would like to point out that because the evaluations are so thorough and exclude anyone who is not an acceptable candidate, kidney donors actually tend to do BETTER than OR just AS WELL as the general population with regards to their long term health.

So your friend who donated that you mentioned was ‘fucked’, although you did not mention in detail what happened, for argument’s sake lets say her health was impacted in some way in which if she had not donated she would have done better, she is a very RARE case. Several studies have time and time again proven the aforementioned facts.

You are entitled to make your decision with regards to whether you donate or not. BUT PLEASE -at the very least- in honor of your sister and all those on the waiting list for a kidney or other organ, do not pass around misinformation regarding donation. Rates are already low enough due to people’s ignorance on the topic, we don’t need to further fuel fear and misunderstanding.

battleof_lissa −  You’re not obligated to tell her just like you’re not obligated to donate. What do you expect will happen when you tell her? Sure, you might feel better about yourself but is it worth the fall out?

Fitzwilliger −  They offer to lie for a reason- because no one should be pressured into this kind of decision, and if you tell her, you absolutely will be. Let it stand.

[Reddit User] −  I donated a kidney six years ago and have had no complications at all, but different outcomes do happen. Regardless, not wanting to donate is a perfectly valid reason not to. When you go through pre-donation screening, part of the process is a psychological screen to make sure you are willing, mentally healthy, and doing everything of your own free will.

During my screening the doctors explicitly offered to lie and make up a reason for why I couldn’t donate if I decided at any point I didn’t want to go forward. That offer is intended to ensure that families don’t guilt people into donating who really aren’t interested.

I think your lie is perfectly justified to keep the peace. If she wanted you to help her down the line she shouldn’t have been cruel to you over things you can’t control. I donated to my dad because he’s a good guy and I love him. I don’t think I’d go through donation for a stranger, and I definitely wouldn’t for someone who I didn’t like much.

cursethedarkness −  Don’t tell her. It’s already obvious that you two are not on the same side. She still thinks that your existence validates your fathers’ cheating, and I suspect that she views you mostly as an organ farm. Distance yourself and go on with your life.

ThrownMaxibon −  There’s a reason the doctor agreed to lie for you. People have been pressured and shamed into donating by family and friends. Your “sister” has been pretty clear. She does not like you as a person and resents you for being born. You’re not good enough to be “auntie” or “family”, but you’re good enough to hit up for organs when she needs them. You don’t owe her a kidney or the truth.

tellevee −  My brother donated a kidney to my father when he was 24. He is in amazingly great health! The only reason that I say this is because you seem to have stigmatized organ donation and it’s truly a life saving procedure that grants life to those whose bodies can’t support themselves anymore.

I don’t want your anecdotal experiences with the procedure to deter anyone else on here who may be considering donating an organ. Having said that, part of the process of donating an organ involves rigorous psychological screening of both parties.

Giving up a part of your body is a lot to deal with mentally, and doctors are very cautious to make sure that someone is in their right mind, truly committed to the procedure and the changes that it’s going to have on their lives and possibly their relationships. Based on what you’ve posted, you’d be screened out by this portion of the procedure.

You may be a biological match but you are not psychologically capable of doing it (and FYI that’s not a bad thing). So, don’t feel guilty. And I think you’re in the right to not even let her know that you are a biological match, it helps keep things from becoming over-complicated.

[Reddit User] −  She’s already been told you’re not a match. Leave it at that. If you tell her otherwise, nothing good will come of it. She’ll know you lied. And she may even try to convince you to change your mind. You decided not to donate. You don’t need to tell her the reasons.

[Reddit User] −  People are going to be trying to change your mind on donating a kidney. You have already said you don’t want to donate. So I will answer you question. Don’t tell her. It is worse to give her hope. She might get a donation from another party and then you will have sunk the relationship for no reason.

This situation underscores the complexity of balancing personal health, family obligations, and honesty. Should the user prioritize her long-term well-being or feel guilty for not helping her half-sister, especially when the opportunity to do so has presented itself? How would you handle this? Would honesty improve the situation or make it more difficult? Share your thoughts below.