My girlfriend (F28) pressures me (M30) to get married. What should I do?

A Reddit user (30m) is grappling with whether to propose to his girlfriend (28f) of two years, who is eager for marriage. While their relationship has many positives—shared humor, aligned future plans, and financial balance—he is concerned about her mental health challenges, episodes of anger, and some red flags, such as lying and invading his privacy.

He loves her but is unsure whether marriage would ease her fears or exacerbate existing issues. To read more about his struggles and the advice he’s seeking, check out the original story below.

‘ My girlfriend (F28) pressures me (M30) to get married. What should I do?’

I’m 30, male, and wondering whether to take the next step in the relationship with my girlfriend, 28. She is really eager to get married soon and wants me to propose as soon as possible. We have been together for two years. In many ways the relationship is great, in other ways it is not.

I understand that no relationship is perfect and I do want to eventually settle with someone and accept their imperfections. But I am uncertain whether she is the right one.

I wrote out the good and bad things below and I am wondering if someone with more life experience can gauge whether some of the downsides have the potential to destroy our relationship in the long run, or if some of the upsides might carry us through a lifelong happy marriage.

The great things about our relationship first:

\- we have always had some hobbies, funny habits, or inside jokes going on that make us enjoy our time together. For a while, we obsessed over board games and played together every single night, we sing together in weird voices all the time, we talk to each other in a funny accent, etc. I’ve never met anybody as weird as her before and she’s my kind of weird too. That feels very unique.

\- we have a very similar education level and income. Finances and education in the relationship are very balanced, so we rarely fight about money and sometimes have intellectually stimulating conversations

\- I get along well with her family

\- we pretty much agree on plans for the future: having children, how to live, etc.. The downsides:

\- she has a lot of mental problems. Mainly anxiety and a fear of a**ndonment. When she feels that way she gets very angry, often throwing and destroying objects. I then need to calm her down for hours, of course often at the most inconvenient times, like late at night or when I really have to be somewhere. It also means I cannot openly share some things with her because she interprets them as me wanting to leave her.

An example: my commute to work is 90 minutes one way and I would like to move closer to my work (she mostly works from home). One night while we were getting ready for bed,

I suggested looking for places closer to my work and she completely lost it, screaming, slamming doors, etc., and we didn’t sleep for three hours. My work is demanding and I need to get up early. I feel she does not or cannot respect my time when feeling anxious.

\- I have lost a lot of s**ual attraction to her, I believe because of the angry outbreaks she has. I still find her just as beautiful as on day one, but I find it very difficult to get in the mood. This has unfortunately been going on for about a year

\- both of us somehow believe we have made huge sacrifices for the relationship but there is little mutual appreciation for these sacrifices. It’s hard to explain both sides of the argument fairly, but for example I feel that I gave up a lot of job opportunities to live with her, close to her family,

and the type of lifestyle that she wants (high-rise apartment building in a an affluent part of the city, whereas I would have much preferred a low key neighborhood, with a backyard maybe, closer to my work). I wish she would acknowledge that more

\- she has some concerning character traits. I caught her lying a few times. I caught her rummaging through my old personal letters once. She knows everything about my ex girlfriends by looking them up online. She has had serious fallouts with her two previous roommates and does not acknowledge any wrongdoing.

For one of them I really think she was at fault but I cannot bring any of that up and she wants me to act unfriendly on the rare occasions we see that roommate. She has a shopping addiction, though nowhere close to being financially dangerous–just annoying to have so much stuff in the house.

I’m at loss at what to do. She pressures me to propose to her and I do really love her. But there are so many red flags, I worry about getting caught even deeper in a relationship that’s not good for me. Compared to my previous relationships, she has her professional life very well under control but I do probably feel the least happy with her, mostly due to her mental problems.

On the other hand, I seriously think that a ring on her finger could ease her anxiety and fear of a**ndonment. She got cheated on in the past and as a child was temporarily left by her parents. It’s hard to summarize what’s she’s been through, but the point is that I can understand her fear of a**ndonment.

When we moved in together, I noticed her feeling better about this already. But proposing to her would be a gamble that she actually gets her mental problems under control and if not, I might be trapped.

Has someone been in a similar situation? What did you do and how do you feel about it retrospectively? I could benefit from someone sharing life experiences.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

p0tat0p0tat0 −  Throwing stuff is abuse. Break up, do not get married. Marriage will not make it better.

mancinis_blessed_bat −  Dude… take my words very seriously. I have been in the exact same spot as you. I was with a partner who had angry outbursts, threw things, screamed, hit me, purposely deprived me of sleep, interrupted meetings and eventually attempted suicide when I was leaving.

She also pressured me to get married many times. Told me I didn’t love her if I didn’t etc etc. My gut told me not to and I am so, so, so, so, SO GLAD I listened to it. Do not marry this person. It will make your life a living hell. You should make plans to leave if she’s already been exhibiting a**sive behavior.

Shopping addiction, unable to communicate, not listening, emotionally dysregulating like a child, becoming physically violent – how many red flags do you need? This is a situation that can turn very serious, very quickly Heed my words and do not make a decision that you will regret for the next decade or more

[Reddit User] −  She has serious issues and you don’t want to get stuck in a marriage like that

floridorito −  It’s very simple. If it’s not a “hell yes!” it’s a “no.” You should be excited about getting engaged, not worried. And her list of negatives is LONG.

Ok_Perception1131 −  RUN. Your gf is physically and emotionally a**sive. You’re really downplaying it. This relationship is very toxic. Break up. Find an emotionally mature woman.

UnhappyTemperature18 −  Dude, no. Marriage won’t fix anything, and by two years in you should know if you want to marry \*her\* not just “someone…someday.”

Catbunny −  Is she in therapy? Have you tried couples therapy?  she completely lost it, screaming, slamming doors, etc. This is concerning and a HUGE red flag. TBH, if my partner did this to me, I would be out. It is a**sive. If you mean to stay, you should NOT propose to her until she is in therapy and has her issue under control. If she is not willing to do that, leave.

eyesonthetruth −  Looks like you’re getting a unanimous consensus of advice here. Question is, are you strong enough and smart enough to take it. My advice would be to have everything in order before you tell her it’s over, like a place to live and whatever because there’s no telling what she will do.

And do not ever give into someone because they say they will hurt themselves because there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. That’s not on you. If you choose to stay and bring kids into this world with her and things go very wrong, then that will be on you because you had the chance to do something about it now and didn’t.. Good luck.

annang −  Your girlfriend is physically, verbally, and emotionally a**sive. You cannot marry her. You need to tell her that, and break up with her.

laCantarella −  The main part isn’t only the issues- she doesn’t seem to be acknowledging them/ wanting to fix them it seems. If there was light at the end of the tunnel i.e. her actively engaging in therapy, apologising and showing understanding, it might be a tiny bit different.

Also no one should feel pressured to be married. Either you do it because you are convinced you want to be together forever or you don’t. And it doesn’t sound like you can see that for now. OP either you have an open heart to heart about everything with her with a much likely negative reaction from her side or you continue to endure and grow more frustrated. But it doesn’t sound like you should get married.

Do you think the Redditor’s concerns about his girlfriend’s mental health and behaviors are valid reasons to delay marriage, or could a proposal help strengthen their relationship? How would you approach a situation where love and red flags coexist? Share your advice and thoughts in the comments below!