My girlfriend (25F) repeatedly insists that I ‘re-do’ my proposal over and over. I’m running out of patience.

A Redditor (24M) shares his frustration over his girlfriend (25F) repeatedly asking for a “perfect” proposal, despite multiple attempts. After proposing in several ways, from a spontaneous moment to a luxurious trip, his girlfriend keeps insisting it’s not the right one, leaving him confused and running out of patience. Read the full story below:

‘ My girlfriend (25F) repeatedly insists that I ‘re-do’ my proposal over and over. I’m running out of patience.’

I (24M) proposed to my girlfriend (25F) in late 2019 after two years together. Admittedly now that I think back on it, it wasn’t the most well thought out or planned proposal. It was mostly spontaneous and came as we were lying in bed together, so I didn’t even have a ring at the time.

At the time, my girlfriend said that she would love to marry me, but she had been looking forward to a more elaborate proposal. I assured her that I’d sort something out. A month later after shopping for the perfect ring, I set up some candles when she was coming home one day (think the Chandler/Monica proposal in Friends) and asked her again.

Well, my GF loved the ring (thankfully) and teared up with happiness. She said that she really appreciated my effort, but what she meant by ‘elaborate’ was something original that she could tell our kids about one day. She mentioned the name of one of her friends whose boyfriend (we both know) proposed by making a huge video montage of their time together and putting it on a projector.

I decided to start over and in February I planned a 3-night trip away in our favourite city. This time I spared no expense and ordered all the extras: a 5-star hotel, a photographer, even an opera quartet. When I asked her to marry me, my GF said ‘yes’ and I thought all was well.

Except when we were alone again she gently told me that she didn’t think now was the ‘right time’ and she was so worried about her future/COVID-19 that a proposal now wouldn’t be a good memory for her. Since then I’ve carried the ring around with me almost everywhere.

At this point I’ve even tried to involve my GF in some of the proposal planning, asking where/when/how she’d like us to get engaged and what would make her happy. However, all she has told me is that she doesn’t know exactly what she’s looking for and ‘I’ll know when the right proposal comes’. From my perspective, this is hugely frustrating since in all other respects she’s assured me she wants us to begin our lives together.

Last week I thought I’d bite the bullet again, and after cooking her a homemade meal I asked her if she’d like to be my wife. She asked me if I was ‘trying to propose’ and I asked her what was wrong with that. Once more, she told me that she can’t wait to marry me but it still wasn’t *quite* the proposal she needed. Honestly, at this point I’m frustrated.

I realise that my girlfriend might come off as pushy or high-maintenance in this post, but I love her very much and in day-to-day life she’s honestly the most understanding, chill person to be around. However, I don’t understand why she’s acting this way and what I’m supposed to do to satisfy her with the ‘perfect proposal’ at this point. I’m confused and running out of patience. How do I deal with this?

This update: UPDATE: My girlfriend (25F) repeatedly insists that I ‘re-do’ my proposal over and over. I’m running out of patience.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

the_last_basselope −  No. She doesn’t get to make you jump through these b**lshit hoops to give her her “perfect proposal.” I get wanting an actual proposal after the spontaneous, casual first one, but the second one should have been it.

At this point I would tell her that you have proposed as many times as you plan to propose and either she wants to marry YOU or she doesn’t. If she wants another proposal she can either propose to you, or she can find someone else to marry. If you keep doing this, your entire life will be filled with her never being satisfied with anything you do.

ATGF −  If a five star hotel, professional photographer, and a freaking OPERA QUARTET doesn’t do it, what will? Are you quite sure she wants to marry you? You totally sure you want to marry her,

this woman who supposedly loves you but is making you bend over backwards and jump through hoops? I’d get pre-marital counseling if I were you – you can really talk about your idea of what marriage looks like and the therapist will mediate and ask questions you may not think to ask.

kimmmy12 −  That seem a bad start for a marriage..honestly

Rando436 −  You sure about this one man? Does she care more about you….or telling some cinderella story and how you pulled magical things out of your ass?? Not everything has to be super fancy and elaborate. It doesn’t even mean that you’re not trying when it’s not.This is the type of person who most likely cares about a big fancy wedding instead of the actual marriage and what comes the years and years after the wedding.

sKorpiOn6996 −  This might be the most frustrating thing I’ve ever read in my 39 years on this planet. I proposed to my wife while we were both still in bed one sunday morning after we came back from a wedding the night before. I admit I’m not naturally a romantic type of guy and I was planning different proposal ideas but stuff was getting in the way bad timing etc.

If I did what you did with the hotel and orchestra and whatever else and she told me that was nice but wants something more elaborate or whatever I’d have to sit her down and say.. Listen Linda, honey, you either put that ring on your finger or you wont ever see it again. Bye Felicia

Detective-Astatine −  Maybe she needs to propose to you. Seriously.

Zombiisnt −  Are you sure she’s not just using this as an excuse because she’s not actually ready to get married, but she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you that?

tuff_gong −  Can’t wait to hear her thoughts on the wedding……$$$$$$

bexannh −  Wait…what? The f**k did I just read? Look, I’d like a Disney proposal in front of the castle, but you know what? Whatever my SO plans I’m going to be over-the-moon with, because that means I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought I was kind of high maintenance, but nope.

Your girlfriend takes the freakin’ cake. She’s being crazy. Literally crazy. And I’m honestly exhausted for you. You need to have a frank talk with her. What she is doing to you/putting you through isn’t fair. She may be looking for perfect, but she’s ruined it by acting this way. So she either needs to tell you exactly what she wants, or take one of the four other perfectly lovely proposals you’ve already offered.

Veridical_Perception −  Your girlfriend is more concerned about the image and fantasy of the proposal and marriage than actually being married. * The fact that she continues to have you redo it suggests that she has a very particular image in mind and that she won’t be satisfied with anything less. * Your actual wedding and wedding planning is going to be much worse and a LOT more expensive.

* Marriage is not a fairy tale and will have inevitable ups and downs. Do you really want to be married to someone for whom the fantasy is more important than the reality. Do you really believe you will be able to fulfill her fantasy image of what a husband and marriage will be? Do you honestly believe your marriage will be anything different from this?

but I love her very much and in day-to-day life she’s honestly the most understanding, chill person to be around. At a minimum, her behavior is immature and selfish. In all of this, she’s made it clear it’s HER ENGAGEMENT not yours as a couple. Ask yourself, while she might pay lip service and say she’s sorry, does this actual behavior show a selfish disregard for your feelings if she doesn’t get her way?

What about your feelings about having to do it over and over and over. You may want to take a much closer look at times over the course of your relationship where she’s been willing to sacrifice what you want for what she wants. Being understanding and chill about stuff you don’t give a crap about is easy.

How often is she chill and understanding about stuff that she cares about where you want something different. edited to add: Finally, you may also want to contemplate whether this is some form of boundary testing – to see what you’re willing to put up with (at this point).

Her requests are unreasonable by any standard, yet you concede. She now knows how far she can push it. Most people would have simply said take it or leave it after the second attempt. That you’ve continued this long demonstrates to her how much you’re willing to put up with.

When the dream proposal becomes a constant expectation, it can put pressure on both partners. What do you think is the right balance between romance and reality? Share your thoughts in the comments.