My girlfriend (24) told me (23)she is “not allowed” to sleep over with me?

A Reddit user shared her frustration about her girlfriend’s overprotective parents and their influence on their relationship. Despite dating for five years and living separately after graduation, her girlfriend’s parents don’t allow her to sleep over at the user’s apartment, which is creating tension.

The user feels upset that her girlfriend needs her parents’ permission for basic relationship milestones and is unsure how to move forward when her girlfriend isn’t ready to make more commitment. Read the full story below for further details and community input.

‘ My girlfriend (24) told me (23)she is “not allowed” to sleep over with me?’

So I (23F) have been dating my girlfriend (24F) for five years. Most of that we were in the same college. Then we graduated and both lived at home. After graduation it was tough finding time to see each other, especially living with our parents. I asked her to me move in with me, but she said she wasn’t ready. So recently, I moved into my apartment by myself

I was really excited for her to stay over at my place, just us. But recently she told me she will not be “allowed” to sleep over. One thing that has always plagued our relationship is her very overprotective parents. Apparently, her parents don’t want her to sleep over at my place and so she’s not allowed to.

To be honest, I’m really upset hearing this. First of all, it feels ridiculous that grown adults need parents permission to do anything. Second, I was really looking forward to cuddling, sleeping together and waking up with her. Now every time we hang out she’ll have to leave at the end of the day.

I asked her if she is willing to move out with me so we can stop worrying about her parents. She says she’s not ready and probably won’t be for a while. This was pretty frustrating to hear from someone I’ve been dating for five years.

When we *are* together its perfect. We fit together so well; she’s my best friend and I love her so much. The thought of leaving her causes me a lot of pain. But at the same time, I feel like I’m dating a teenager. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Sasboss2 −  Info: what is her financial situation? I see this two ways. 1. She doesn’t have the money to move out or 2. She’s either reliant on or afraid of her parents, which isn’t a good sign for a 5 year relationship.

jkz88 −  If it’s cultural, good luck with that.

ImpassionateGods001 −  In many cultures living together or even sleeping over before marriage is frowned upon. If you are sure about her, you might have better chances of starting to build a life together if you are at least engaged. If you can’t sort that cultural difference, you might not be compatible despite everything else.

I was in the same situation as your girlfriend with strict parents. It would’ve been unthinkable for me to leave my parents’ house without being married, and I didn’t. I married my bf after 3 years of dating, and we have been married for 13 years now.

EPMD_ −  I would guess one of two things here:

1. She is using living with parents as an excuse to put the brakes on the progression of your relationship.

2. She doesn’t want to cut ties with her parents, which might happen if she makes your relationship “official” by living with you.

Either way, I think you two are at very different stages, and that sounds like a dealbreaker 5 years into a relationship. I’m not saying you have to give her an ultimatum, but I do think life can be a lot easier than this. You shouldn’t have to convince your partner to spend the night with you after 5 years together.

Feisty-Tumbleweed-22 −  Everyone keeps emphasizing 5 years but part of that you guys were just teens. You’ve matured faster than her and want different things. There’s nothing wrong with her or with you either. You’re at different stages and neither willing to budge. This relationship has run its course. Good luck.

nebulousrealist −  It sounds like you’re considering your boundaries, which is as uncomfortable as it is empowering. It’s sad how controlled and infantalised your partner is, but at the same time, that has consequences. The very real one being that you’re not going to sit in a waiting room forever. Has she said why she’s not ready?

Also, this sounds really sh*t and I wanted to say your not selfish by putting your needs first. Maybe she needs to know exactly how the situation is making you feel. In honestly, it sounds like your partner could benefit from therapy to process her family situation, but that she would need to firstly be apart from them to get some perspective. It feels like you’re both trapped, just sending love your way!

Dependent_Pen_6715 −  You obviously care about her a lot, but the issue runs deeper than not having sleepovers. It’s about an inability or unwillingness to set healthy boundaries with her parents. You mention there is a cultural aspect as they are SE Asian, and it it’s important to recognize that as a factor.

Your GF said she is afraid of upsetting her parents. Is it possible they are still, at least partly, in denial that she is LGBTQ? There are weird people who claim to be ok with their gay children, until they start building their life with a gay partner. A friend of mine was literally told by her parents “You can be gay, just not under my roof”.

Shits wild. Or is it possible your GF is lying and just doesn’t want to come over? You need to have a serious sit down conversation with her. Tell her you care about her, and want a future with her, but she is not acting like she wants the same thing. She can say she’s serious all she wants, but it means literally nothing if she can’t back it up with her actions.

Tell her you don’t feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who allows their parents that much control over them. Tell her if this relationship is to continue, you need to know that she can set healthy boundaries with her folks that not only protect her, but you as well.

Tell her if she’s not ready to move in with you because *she’s* not ready, she does not have to. But she either needs to set boundaries with her parents or find her own place, because this needs to be nipped in the bud.

JMLegend22 −  She chose her parents over you. If she isn’t ready to take the next step ask for a realistic time frame. An actual date. Then tell her you will hold her to that exact day. If she wavers and won’t give a date tell her that’s all you need to know. Collect anything from her that’s yours and hand her anything that’s hers. Tell her you guys aren’t on the same timeline clearly.

NebNay −  Imagine being a full grown adult with a job and being forbidden to see your SO by your parents.

CafeteriaMonitor −  This is not just about her not being able to stay over – it’s also about her being unwilling/unable to create boundaries with her parents. That is going to rear its head a TON if you two want to become a family and build a life together.

Five years in and in mid-20s, I would expect somebody to be ready to take the leap, and the fact that she says it won’t be for a while is disappointing. I would be strongly considering just moving on, try and enjoy your newfound independence and your new place, and see what it’s like to really be single for the first time as an adult.

Is this relationship being hindered by external family pressures, or is it a sign of deeper issues? How would you handle the situation if you felt your partner wasn’t ready to take the next steps? Do you think waiting for change is worth it, or should the user move on? Share your thoughts and advice below!