My friend (27F) is mad that our my husband (28M) and I (28F) cut off another friend who cheated, and I don’t know how to proceed.
A Redditor is facing a difficult dilemma after cutting off a longtime friend, Lori, who had an affair with a married man, Brad. Despite the group’s initial stance against Lori’s actions, one of the Redditor’s closest friends, Vicki, has sided with Lori and is now upset that the Redditor hasn’t reconciled with her.
The situation is straining the friendships and creating tension, especially as Vicki now insists that the Redditor forgive Lori or risk losing her friendship. Read the original story below to understand how this drama unfolded.
‘ My friend (27F) is mad that our my husband (28M) and I (28F) cut off another friend who cheated, and I don’t know how to proceed.’
Back in May may of this year, one of my close friends who I’ve known for 10 plus years had an affair tgatvstarted in May. We’ll refer to her as Lori (27F). Lori had a string of bad relationships before the affair that all ended poorly because she is, without mincing words, a stage 5 clinger.
Many of the friends in our group, myself included, tried to talk to her about why she needs to do more soul searching before dating again, as she was getting more and more frustrated with her relationships not working out. She relied heavily on dating apps, and generally had troubled finding genuine love (go figure).
She had a terrible childhood and family life which I think led to this behavior from her. She’s a really sweet woman, but she doesn’t really know how to have a healthy relationship. Cut to May of this year she tells us that she’s in a relationship with an old friend of ours, we’ll call Brad(29M). The problem is, everyone who knows Brad knows he’s been married for 5 years now.
Me and my husband were very upset to hear this, as were many of our other friends, and we all told Lori she needs to stop this before people get hurt. Lori explained that they’re getting a divorce so it’s fine. However that wasn’t enough for most of the people in our friend group, and they didnt want to be involved with the situation, and distanced themselves from Lori. My husband and I were included in this.
After seeing her friends take a step back, Lori then told everyone that they realized they were doing something wrong and let everyone know they had decided to stay friends instead and would stop their affair. Me and another friend reached out to Brad’s wife ( since we’re close), but we had no proof other than what Lori told us, and she ended up staying with Brad and got upset we tried to meddle in their marriage.
I did what I thought was best, but I also understand wanting to trust your partner. I wouldn’t want to belive it if someone told me MY husband was having an affair. Cut to two months later in July, it turns out that Brad’s wife caught them in the act and they had been lying to everyone all along about being “friends”.
Almost everyone cut off Lori as soon as they could. My husband and I struggled if we wanted to give Lori a second chance, but after a few hangouts seeing Lori and Brad flaunting their relationship everywhere just a week after they were found out, it left a terrible taste in our mouths.
We spoke many times with her, but eventually came to the conclusion we needed to distance ourselves as well, after it became obvious she knew she did something wrong, but was happy she finally found her “perfect” love. She even said to us “you haven’t really been there for me like Brad has”, which after 10 years of picking up the pieces of her and putting her back together again, hurt so bad to hear.
Now enter Vicki. Vicki (30F) is a long time friend as well, who had gotten pretty close to Lori over the last few years. When all of this started, Vicki commiserated with us on her anger at Lori, and was pissed to hear she had cheated. Vicki was especially mad because she had been cheated on with her last partner whom she had married for a brief period of time. I felt the same, because cheating feels to a**orrent to me especially now that I’m married.
However, it turns out that Brad and Vicki had been talking after they were caught, and somehow convinced Vicki that what they were doing wasn’t cheating, because Brad’s wife was “mean and selfish” towards him, and that he was going to divorce her with or without Lori. I didn’t believe any of that (what hasnt been a lie at this point?) and with the timing of those details, it seemed like Brad was just covering his ass.
My husband and I told Vicki that if she wants to remain friends with Lori, that that would be fine! We just couldn’t stomach being around them. Vicki seemed relived by this, and agreed to respect our choice as well.
Well, we’re now in November and the friend group has continued with our regular hangouts, sans Lori. We all have been feeling the awkwardness of the change in our friend group, and that’s been hard. However, my husband and I noticed that over the last month, Vicki has stopped talking to us or hanging out with us.
I texted her to ask her if she was okay, and she sent a long message raking me over the coals for “being judgemental” and being “mean for not including Lori when she’s having a hard time”. Essentially she had changed her tune and was now upset we were not “being good friends” to Lori.
I reached out to Lori to see if she wanted to talk in case there was some new development, and she agreed. However, the next day another friend of mine (not good friends with Lori, but works with her in the same store) told me she bragged to her about how Vicki reamed us out, and now we want to hang out again.
That pissed me off so much. I was truly worried about Lori, and now it feels like Vicki AND Lori were just emotionally manipulating my husband and I into possibly forgiving her and letting her back into the group (not like my husband and I are gatekeeping her relationship with everyone else, we just host the most gatherings).
I’m so angry at both of then, and I know I’ll need to sit down and talk with them about how they don’t get to coerce forgiveness by holding my relationship with Vicki hostage. But on the same hand, I don’t want to lose Vicki. She and I grew up together since elementary school, and her mom is basically my second mom. This has been causing me so much stress, and I just want to be done with all this drama.
I’m not sure how to respond to Vicki or Lori at this point. I don’t want to write off Vicki, but I don’t see a way forward with Lori. Vicki has heavily insinuated that unless we work things out with Lori, she will continue to be upset with me. Any advice on how to navigate this? They’re aren’t bad people, I just don’t get their perspectives.
Check out how the community responded:
elwynbrooks − Your issue is that you keep trying to “hear out” people who have proved over and over again to have no true, honest, self-aware things to say, and besides that have taken no actions that take any accountability or show any remorse.
You don’t need to have any more conversations with these people. You aren’t the one limiting anyone’s interactions, you are just holding your own boundaries. You’re on the high road already; stop rubbernecking the low road
Similar_Corner8081 − These people aren’t your friends. Everything they said was a lie and you want to continue with the drama. That would be a hell no from me.
Oohkbutnotokay − Stop giving time to idiots, liars and cheats. If they are out they are out, stop with this ‘lets hear everyone out’ – they cannot negotiate their way out of being awful and the moment you try they will make you look foolish to others.
That counts for any flying monkey they send your way. Defending them is complicity.. Hopefully you learned your lesson. Block them all, let the others know these people are indeed this bad and to be avoided and ignored. Based on their history, implosion will not be far away.
BMTRN6321 − You’re stage 5 clinging to a relationship that is well past its expiration date. They are not good people. Lying, cheating, and manipulation are not inherently GOOD qualities. You are holding out hope that they will become the people YOU want them to be.
This is leading to stress and disappointment at the fact that they continue to be the unkind individuals they are. Vicki’s relationship with Lori is substantially more important to her than her relationship with you.
Her priorities and loyalties are not in your favor. You’re overextending yourself and constantly trying to repair the irreparable. Seek some counseling so you can learn the tools and coping mechanisms necessary to move on from toxic people.
CaptainBeefy79 − Sorry, but it sounds like it’s time to kick Vicky out of the group too. Not only is she supporting their cheating, she’s being a s**tty friend to you by being m**ipulative.
cecillicec75 − You’re too gullible. Them two are just manipulating you into getting Lori back into group. They are not friends and will cause drama in the group if allowed back. Break contact with them both.
ShelfLifeInc − I don’t think you are able to salavage your friendships with either Lori or Vicki when *Vicki and Lori* are the ones shitting all over the friendships. I’m a firm believer that relationships are only ever between two people: you and Lori. You and Vicki. Vicki and Lori. You and Brad’s wife. Relationships may have influence over others, but ultimately every relationship is it’s own thing.
So for the moment, let’s ignore what Lori did with Brad or what she did to Brad’s wife. Let’s look at what she did to **you:** she told you she was having an affair with a mutual friend, you felt incredibly uncomfortable with this. In light of this, Lori said she’d end the affair, which was a lie. And after the lie was found out, she’s instead ramped up the behaviour that made you uncomfortable in the first place. She’s even gone so far as to call you a bad friend.
So I don’t blame you for being hurt by Lori. After all the times you’ve supported her over the last decade, she repays you by lying to your face, accusing you of letting her down, and showing zero self-reflection. In your shoes, I’d be seriously asking myself if this is someone whom I wanted to have in my life.
Then there’s Vicki. Vicki has decided (unfairly) to tie her relationship with you to *your* relationship with Lori. For whatever reason, Vicki has made a stand, “get over the fact that Lori has lied to you, created a conflict of interest between you and other mutual friends, and dismissed all the support you’ve shown her over the years. Either be friends with Lori or I’m not friends with you.”
Vicki has heavily insinuated that unless we work things out with Lori, she will continue to be upset with me. Your friendship with Lori is none of Vicki’s business. So do not even indulge her in thinking she gets to have any influence over it.
I don’t want to lose Vicki. She and I grew up together since elementary school, and her mom is basically my second mom. See how I said that relationships are only ever between two people? You don’t need Vicki’s friendship or blessing to maintain a relationship with her mom.
Separate this whole Lori/Vicki/Vicki’s mom soup. Tell Vicki to b**t out of your relationship with Lori. If she decides her friendship with you is done as a result, that’s her business. I don’t understand why those two have decided to team up to manipulate you and force to to accept the poor way they’ve treated you, but it’s a good reason to take a step back from both of them.
someoneelse92 − Are you guys still friends with Brad?
grumpy__g − Kick them both out of your life or the will try to hit on your husband. You can’t trust them. That’s the problem. She knew his wife and do it decided to do it openly. And the other fruits is dumb or provably having an affair too.. They are manipulating you.
Tell me: What kind of friend manipulates you? What Kind of friend starts an affair with a married friend?
FredBirdNerd − Exactly why do you need to sit down and talk to these POS’s?! Just drop the rope already, block them on everything, and move on with a clear conscience.
Do you think the Redditor is justified in distancing themselves from Lori, or is it worth working things out for the sake of their long-time friendship with Vicki? How would you handle the pressure of maintaining relationships while dealing with betrayal? Share your thoughts below!