My Fiancé (28M) Wants Me (27F) To Give Up My Job So That He Can Pursue His Dream For A 3rd Time.

A woman (27) is grappling with her fiancé’s (28) request for her to give up her successful law career to follow him as he attempts to revive his baseball dreams for a third time. Despite his past failures in baseball, he wants her to come with him abroad, with the hope that she can take time off and return to work later. She feels frustrated, insulted, and unsure about supporting this decision. The wedding is just two weeks away, and she is torn about how to handle the situation. Read her full story below.

‘ My fiancé (28M) wants me (27F) to give up my job so that he can pursue his dream for a 3rd time.’

My fiancé (let’s call him Adam) and I have been together for 6 years, engaged for 2 years. To complicate things, our wedding is in 2 weeks. My husband played baseball in college. It was his dream to be a professional baseball player. He was able to play in the minors for a short period of time but was eventually cut. After this, he went to a foreign country to play for a few years. About a year and a half ago, he “retired,” moved back to the states, and got an office job.

In the meantime, I went to law school, graduated, passed the bar, and got a relatively high paying job. I like what I do and, while I don’t know if I want to do this forever, I have no plans of changing jobs anytime soon. Yesterday, Adam told me that he was thinking about going to a different foreign country (with lower standards) to revive his baseball career. He wants me to come with him.

I did not react well, I’ll admit that. I laughed and asked if he was joking and, when it became clear that he wasn’t, got super pissed. I spent a lot of time and money building my career. I’m honestly insulted that he wants me to give it up.

He says that I could always take a few years off and come back to it when he finishes playing baseball. I argue that I won’t be a particularly desirable candidate to a law firm after taking years off of work. He says I could try to work as a consultant at a foreign firm or at an American firm’s office in that particular country. This would involve changing the area of law that I practice. I practice the type of law that I do because I like it and am good at it. I don’t know if I could be happy practicing in a different area or if I could even get a job with no experience.

He thinks I’m being unsupportive and has threatened to go regardless of whether I agree to come with. I think he’s being delusional. I know this is harsh and I would never say it like this to him but he tried this and failed twice. Why would he put himself through that again? If he doesn’t like his current job and wants to do something else, that’s fine. I will support a career change. But I will absolutely not give up my job to chase a dream that will likely never pan out. I know it’s his dream but most people don’t actually get to do their dream job. I feel like he needs to grow up.

I’m sorry if this comes off as insensitive. I am just so frustrated. I’m looking for any advice about how to tackle this problem. Do I let him go on his own? Do I put my foot down? TL;DR: fiancé wants me to give up my job so that he can chase his dream career that he has already tried and failed at twice

See what others had to share with OP:

FionaIsDope −  He’s 28. He’d be in his senior years but probably retired if he played professionally consistently in the us. He’s being delusional and you shouldn’t put your career in jeopardy for someone that can’t even make it in the Orioles minor league team.

TexasPenny −  Whether he’s getting cold feet or not, he has made it clear that his aspirations are more important than yours. So what that you graduated from law school? So what that you passed the bar? So what that you found a great job that you are successful at and are paid a great wage? He doesn’t care. He doesn’t value you or your accomplishments. You can go peddle law in whatever country he ends up with while you support him. His dream is all that matters. I really don’t see how he can come back from that. He thinks so little of you and your future.

incognitothrowaway1A −  Your fiancé is totally unrealistic. You can’t leave your job on a lark. He can go to the other country — see what happens. I would rethink the wedding. Do you really want someone who has so little respect for you and what you do.

Nearly_Pointless −  In the MLB, there are 30 teams, each with a 25 man roster. That is 750 men, on the entire planet. About half of them are at replacement level. Replacement level means that there is another guy in AAA ball that could come up replace anyone of those 375 with no significant increase or decrease in performance. At 28, he won’t get a look. He would have to have developed some serious improvement in skills to even get just a scout to take 5 minutes to see him. No scout will travel across town to see him.

I know this is harsh but it is reality. Now, he is determined and that is one of the characteristics that make a person an excellent athlete. There are times when we have to admit we are not what we had hoped. This is likely his time. It’s good to have a dream but his time is past. At this age, he is approaching the decline years.

meadowlarked −  How about he supports your dream for once?

ISpeakWhaleDoYou −  calling off a wedding and losing deposits is easier and potentially cheaper than a divorce. Let him go. And go enjoy the awesome party and food you paid for.

slinky999 −  Don’t give up your job. Tell him that you are not going to torpedo your career and give up your job for an unattainable dream. And if he still continues to push you, then postpone the wedding and go to couple’s counseling. His delusion could very well ruin your earning potential in your career, and you never want to make yourself a dependent on someone who is not grounded in reality. Let me be reiterate: DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB AND CAREER FOR THIS MAN.

I have to ask, is he normally controlling about other things in your lives ? Is he threatened by your work and career ? Have you had to compromise other things in your life to keep him happy?

tsukiii −  Oh hell no. I’ve been in his shoes before in a different ‘dream’ career (professional ballet), but when I realized that I was not going to be the next superstar, I got to work on plan B. Here’s a thought: postpone the wedding, tell him that this is his final chance, and let him go alone without your financial support. Hopefully he will come to his senses, but if he doesn’t… this is not the guy you should marry.

EDIT: Something to suggest to him… maybe he needs to search for a new direction for his ambition. When you’ve gotten so close to your dream, it’s hard to settle for a boring job. But the plus side is, the people I know like him have a great work ethic and can really excel if they point that energy and enthusiasm in a new direction. My friends from ballet training are now lawyers, physical therapists, pharmacists, economists, etc.

moorea12 −  I hate how m**ipulative this is — he brought it up two weeks before your wedding. So now you either A) postpone or cancel the wedding, which is SO hard emotionally and possibly financially, B) get married and give in to his demands, or C) get married and give in to living alone while he’s in a different country. It’s insane. If he’s really serious, the best of those options is to postpone/cancel the wedding. It’s going to be REALLY hard, but if he doesn’t budge, don’t go through with this wedding.

ShelfLifeInc −  He … has threatened to go regardless of whether I agree to come with. “Great, off you go. Goodbye and good luck.”

He’s not thinking like a partner. He’s not thinking about what this move would mean for you, your career, your marriage together, your combined earning potential, your future together, or even his own career. He’s just thinking about his ego. He wants to follow his dream, and he expects you to follow him, regardless of what the cost would be to you. And the cost to you, you career, your earning potential, your future, would be significant. I think it’s fair to say that if he’s serious about pursuing this “career” (in reality, a delusion), your relationship has run its course.