My (F47) husband (M48) finally wants to try counseling now that our youngest will be leaving for college and I am planning to leave. Should I agree to counseling?
A Redditor shared their story of enduring a 25-year marriage marked by verbal abuse and control. Now, as their youngest child prepares to leave for college, the husband is suddenly open to counseling after years of refusal. The user is torn between trying counseling or moving forward with their plan to leave, fearing this might be a ploy to maintain control. Read the full story below to learn more.
‘ My (F47) husband (M48) finally wants to try counseling now that our youngest will be leaving for college and I am planning to leave. Should I agree to counseling?’
This is a throw away for anonymity. For 25 years I have been in a marriage that has always been rocky. 12 plus years ago I was going to leave, told my family etc. Only to believe him when he said he would try.
Of course things were better for a while…at some point I decided to stick it out until my kids were grown because I was afraid that having them in a visitation arrangement would be mentally damaging to them. That’s his big issue, he is verbally a**sive and controlling. I’m an independent, successful person and I am also financially independent.
I have been able to keep him “in check” so to speak in regard to the kids most of the time because I simply won’t tolerate his attempts to control them. That’s not to say he has not habitually made our oldest feel less than or like he is a disappointment. Both of our kids are well adjusted, bright, motivated and loving.
But, if they don’t measure up in some way, his reaction is unbelievably harsh. He says hurtful things to the kids and they have both, at times, broken down crying about his treatment of them. All he cares about is “his money” and doesn’t even want to help our kids with college. There’s more, I could go on but, the question is, do I try counseling? My concern is that it’s just a ploy to pull me back in. I begged him for years to go and he refused.
Tl;dr My (F47) husband (M48) finally wants to try counseling now that our youngest will be leaving for college and I am planning to leave.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
degeneratescholar − Isn’t it a bit insulting to you that for 25 years he’s acted the way he has and only now he “wants to try” counseling? Like why weren’t you worth that before? You know why? He’s manipulating you into not leaving.
buon_natale − He’s a**sive. He’s done more damage to the children by continuing to expose them to abuse than any divorce would have hurt them. Leave him and don’t try counseling.
NanaLeonie − OP, your soon to be ex husband missed the chance to possibly save his marriage. It’s too late. Maybe he can get individual counseling and experience a little personal growth but I think you deserve freedom, happiness and maybe a relationship with a man who’s already not an a**sive and controlling twat. Time to move on.
Fuj023 − I know you made “think” your children are well adjusted but I guarantee you they carry the scars of abuse and growing up watching you being abused. My mom was with a man who was verbally and emotionally a**sive for a couple years.
Even though it was only a “short” time and she was always independent and successful (she received her master’s while working and raising me alone) excluding this time period, I am still affected today. The things he said to us replay in my head regularly, I have dreams he’s going to find us again.
Your focus should be on your children and helping them navigate through the trauma and hurt. Even though I turned out okay there was a lot of self destruction that took place out of anger towards my mother. It was hard trying to forgive her for allowing this man in our lives over and over.
[Reddit User] − The hell are you even considering this after the damage he has done to YOUR children? It doesn’t matter how well-adjusted you think they turned out. They were traumatised by their father’s abuse and by your failure to protect them from it when you could have done so much more. You could have put them first. You didn’t.
I recommend counselling, absolutely–but for you only, solitary one on one counselling so you can sort out your very deep issues and start doing right by your own children. It shouldn’t matter that they’re now adults.
And by the way, I would be so beyond the pale insulted by his sudden turnaround NOW regarding counselling. All those 20+ years he was hurting you and your children wasn’t enough motivation for him to start doing the right thing. You know he only wants it now because HE stands to be hurt by it. Once again, only thinking of himself.. Wake up.
DoYerThang − do I try counseling?. No
Moretea0biscuits − Leave him. It’s way overdue. Seek counselling alone. It sounds like he has also done damage to your children so they will benefit from talking this through with a therapist at some point. It’s too late to have regrets about this. But I wouldn’t let this man have ongoing control over you or them.
sqitten − Couple’s counseling is not recommended for cases that involve abuse. And if he cared about hurting other people, he wouldn’t have waited until you were able to leave to try to fix things. He clearly only cares about how things affect him personally and wants counseling to try to keep you – which is not helpful. Counseling should be done because both parties are working so that both of them can be happy together. This is counseling in bad faith, so it’s just delaying you getting to be free of him.
MLeek − You’re not obligated to try counselling. If you are ready to leave, you can just leave. It does certainly sound like a ploy to keep you locked in, now that the children have left the nest.
Anne1167 − So instead of coming from a broken home you made your kids live in a broken home? You have taught them that it is okay to be abused as long as the person is funny and loving sometimes. It sounds like you are looking for an excuse to stay because you are afraid of leaving. I get it, it is scary, but what is scarier is living with someone who makes their children cry and feel worthless.
Should the user give counseling a chance after years of emotional strain, or is it time to prioritize her independence and happiness? How would you approach a similar crossroads in your marriage? Share your thoughts below!