My (F31) brother (M36) is ruining our parents (M,F60s) lives!

A Redditor (F31) is frustrated with her older brother (M36), who has lost his job, house, car, and relationship after his third breakup. Despite repeated bailouts from the Redditor and their parents, he continues to treat them poorly, causing stress and unhappiness for their aging parents.

The Redditor is concerned for her brother’s mental health but is also deeply upset by how he’s mistreating their parents, especially as their situation worsens. Read the original story below to get the full context:

‘ My (F31) brother (M36) is ruining our parents (M,F60s) lives!’

So in the past month my older brother’s fiancee left him. This meant he lost his house because the home they lived in was in her name. He lost his vehicle because what he was driving was her old car. He also lost his job because he was so focused on his breakup that he was constantly making mistakes. He moved in with our parents who live about 5 minutes away from my husband and I.

I DO have a lot of sympathy for him. He literally has nothing, no home, no car, no job, no relationship. The problem is, this is third time this has happened to him. That’s right, he has had 3 fiancees leave him now and every time he winds up losing everything. He has had two cars impounded because he gets so upset over his breakups he loses his job and can’t make payments on his vehicles.

My parents and I have bailed him out of these situations every time. I even paid off his back payments on his car, paid for his dog’s vet bills, AND paid some of his rent before. My parents and I have literally spent thousands of dollars trying to ‘help’ him. Each of the past two times he winds up moving back in with my parents who are in their late 60s.

While we pay for everything for him whenever he goes through a breakup he becomes a total j**k. He spends every weekend with his friends out camping or vacationing (how he pays for it I have no idea, after the second fiancee he took a trip to Fiji with his friends but couldn’t afford to pay his rent).

He mostly ignores me unless he needs money, which, during this breakup I am refusing to help him out at all. The worst part is he treats my parents like garbage. If they ask him questions like, “have you been looking for a job?” he will yell at them.

He has no problem eating the food they provide for him and living in their house rent and utility free, and driving my mom’s brand new car (which she got because he totaled her last car) but makes them absolutely miserable. My mom told me he will yell at them, call her stupid, trashes their house, sleeps all day, and leaves the care of his dog up to them.

Every time I see my mom lately it’s obvious that she’s been crying. The most recent event took place on Sunday. In an attempt to get him out of the house for a while I offered to take him out in our boat. He seemed super excited about it and when he’s excited he can actually be a lot of fun to be around. He tells me he’s hanging out with friends but will be back in town Sunday afternoon.

Sunday afternoon rolls around and he’s nowhere to be seen. I get a text around 6pm that he’s decided to go to a local tourist destination with all his friends, they are going to tube down a river. I’m bummed because I was honestly looking forward to it and because my brother has once again chosen his friends over his family.

But it’s whatever, I honestly don’t rely on him for anything so it’s not that big of deal. But then I find out he’s driving my mom’s car and she has to be in her office early Monday morning. Then the peaceful protests in our town turn into full on riots and my brother is still not home.

At this point he can’t get home because they’ve blocked off access to our town so he just stays with his friends and I wind up taking my mom to work. My Dad tries to talk to my brother on Monday about how irresponsible he was and my brother just yells at him and then locks himself in my parents basement for the rest of the day.
My parents are miserable.

They want to help and have always said they will do anything for us kids, but they are just enabling my brother every time they bail him out. My Dad has major health problems that are being exacerbated by the stress my brother is causing. My mom has a history of severe depression that I see her slipping back into the longer my brother is with them.

I’m really close to my parents and they are usually very fun people. The longer my brother stays with them I am seeing them become depressed, short-tempered, and miserable. I tried telling them to kick him out, one of his friends would surely take him in, but they insist that they don’t want to leave him homeless.

I can’t convince them to kick them out but is there anything else I can say or do that might get my brother to get his head out his ass and get a job? How can I get my brother to see his behavior towards my parents is unacceptable?

It just sucks, I used to really look up to my older brother because he is outgoing and funny and the sort of person everyone just gravitates towards. Now I’m just pissed at him for how he treats my parents and simultaneously scared for his mental health because he clearly has a lot of problems..

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

drbarnowl −  It’s not a mistake that these women keep leaving him. I’m guessing mooches off them too until they break up. Your will not change until he faces consequences for his actions and you and your parents stop enabling him. He’s almost 40 and behaving like a teenager. That’s appalling but you can’t fix him.

Ladyughsalot1 −  Hm is he really losing these things? Or is he mooching off his partners and losing the gravy train when they inevitably leave? I find it hard to believe he actually builds any sort of security with these women when his clear default is to lean on others and do little. Maybe he works when he’s with them but clearly he’s not saving or building a thing. You don’t just lose your vehicle.

sowellfan −  Your parents have created a monster by allowing this kind of behavior – and you’ve been a part of it too, by bailing him out time and time again. He’s had no incentive to change how he behaves, because they’ve made it clear that they’ll accept whatever behavior from him, no matter how s**tty, and they’ll keep pushing cash and support his way.

Your parents need to understand this, and to have just a slight hope of making them understand, you’re going to have to be really blunt. That means you’re going to have to tell them that *they* are just as much of a problem as he is. If they want to “help”, then they can give him $300 or whatever it’d cost to pay for a weeklong stay at a dirt-cheap residential motel.

He’s a grown man and he can manage if he wants to manage. All they’re doing is prolonging his adolescence. If they’re worried about him being cold, they can buy him a sleeping bag. If they’re worried about him being hungry, they can buy him a 25-lb bag of rice and a pot.

[Reddit User] −  For a start, you need to STOP giving him money. You cannot control your parents but you must stop enabling him. No more money.

ariadnevirginia −  My husband’s cousin was exactly the same way. His mother always took him back to live with her. Nothing changed her mind, even when his behaviour was d**adful. He was just her “poor troubled boy”. She blamed his ex wife and girlfriends for most of his issues.

It wasn’t until she went to the house of his latest much younger girlfriend who had just kicked him out for beating her up, that she saw the girls bruises and it finally clicked that her son was not the victim. She finally told him he needed to leave, and he managed, by mooching off others and spending a lot of time in jail for aggression and alcohol related charges.

Apparently Canadian jail is nice, he tells me. Spends time playing chess with the old- timers. His parents both died shortly afterwards, and he didn’t bother to get involved with funeral plans ect. Just wanted his share of any money. He got it, spent it, he’s still living, but estranged from his family. Don’t wait too long to confront your brother with your parents, or he’ll ruin their lives just as my husband’s cousin did to his.

kajjj −  Did you carry on giving him money after he went to Fiji but couldn’t pay rent? It’s crystal clear that he has no respect for any of you.

UnsightlyFuzz −  This: they are just enabling my brother every time they bail him out. And you were doing the same, but it seems you have wised up. Your brother is immature and irresponsible. I say that not to condemn him but to summarize succinctly. He also has major problems with mood.

He should be seeing a therapist and possibly also be on meds. So should your mom, while we’re on that subject. As long as they let him come home after one of his colossal failures, they are subjecting themselves to the stress.

You can’t really prevent that. But in future, remind them from time to time that brother shouldn’t be living in girlfriend’s house and driving her vehicle because when it goes bust (which it always does), he’ll be right back on their doorstep, unless they address it with him in advance.

nova9001 −  The problem is you and your parents enabling him. They have to kick him out on their own free will. I know it sucks, but you can’t force your parents to make that decision. Just believe that when they had enough they will act.

Coolfairy0 −  I don’t really see a reason for your brother to stop doing this behavior. There hasn’t seemed to be any real consequences. He is clearly a con man not “could have been an old timer con man.” He IS a con man. You might not know about all his cons but it seems pretty clear with what you’ve posted here.

What I can say is that you, yourself need to a top supporting this behavior. You’re parents may never stop supporting it. I have an uncle who “could never do wrong” and my grandparents have been supporting him and now his son for his entire life. No one can explain to them that they shouldn’t just keep throwing money and things at my uncle.

Your brother will find another woman to drain and more then likely he may actually be the one leaving these women when the well drys up and they run out of money and then just getting sympathy points by saying that they left him.

You’re best option is to talk to your parents, but don’t get your hopes up. It’s hard to cut off manipulating people like this since it’s been their life work to manipulate people into doing what they want. Good luck and stop wasting money on this guy.

madommouselfefe −  Call your states version of adult protective services. Report your brother for elder abuse, because what he is doing is elder abuse. He is yelling at your parents to the point they don’t like being at home. Taking their car and not bringing it back. Even though your mom needs it for work.

And he is having them pay for everything, while he is being an emotionally/ verbally abusive j**k. Let the state step in and kick him out and give him a reality check. Then you, and any other family members need to come together and cut your brother off.

No more money, no more trips, no more couches to sleep on, no more contact. Your brother is a mooch plain and simple. He is a grown man who can care for himself but he has learned its easier to use people than to take care of himself. Stop feeding into this mindset, brake the cycle.

It’s heartbreaking when someone we love repeatedly makes harmful decisions, especially when their behavior is damaging the well-being of others. The Redditor is caught between wanting to support her brother and protecting her parents from further harm.

What do you think? How should she approach this situation? Should she continue to try and help her brother, or is it time to set firmer boundaries to protect her parents’ peace of mind? Share your thoughts below.