My dad’s (60M) wife emotionally abused me and now that she’s dead he wants to hear my (26F) side, should I tell him and potentially ruin his memory of her?

A woman grapples with a difficult decision: should she share the emotional abuse she endured from her late stepmother with her father, potentially ruining his cherished memories, or stay silent to preserve their fragile bond?

After years of estrangement, her father wants to hear her side of the story, but his history of severing ties complicates her choice. Read her dilemma below.

‘ My dad’s (60M) wife emotionally abused me and now that she’s dead he wants to hear my (26F) side, should I tell him and potentially ruin his memory of her?’

My parents divorced when I was 3 and then both remarried when I was about 9. My father eloped and remarried a woman who shortly after was diagnosed with cancer. I lived with them and her step sons from the ages of 14-16 where the abuse primarily took place.

She would often name call me, swear at me, $lut shame me, steal things from my room (including money I received for birthdays/holidays), took the door off my bedroom and nailed my windows shut so I had no privacy or escape (which to be fair my father endorsed).

Eventually I talked back and she tried to hit me, this is when I moved back to my mothers for the rest of high school cutting the years I was supposed to live with my father short. She died 2 years ago of an infection related to one of her cancer surgeries and poor healing due to her diabetes/non compliance with medication.

My father remembers her as the perfect mother and wife and thinks my mother suggesting I moved back drove us apart but now that he’s trying to rebuild a relationship with me and wants to hear my side of the story.

He doesn’t know that I feel like my mother saved me and a lot of the details of what my step mom/his wife said or did to me. I don’t want to ruin his memory of his wife but I also want to build a real and honest relationship with my father.

He has had a history of cutting off contact with family members in the past and I’m afraid that if I say the wrong thing he may cut me out too. I’m the only blood family he has left that is in contact with him and I don’t want him to lose that. What’s the right way to go about this?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

JustAsICanBeSoCruel −  Be BRUTALLY honest. You aren’t ‘ruining his perfect memory of her’. You are ruining his delusion. By him building her up as this perfect woman, you are doing him a disservice…if she is perfect in his mind,

he will never move on and find a woman that is actually a good woman because no one can compete with his perfect wife that actually didn’t exist.. Be truthful. I’d write everything down in detail and then read it to him.

Now is his opportunity to have a good abd beautiful relationship with his daughter, but if he doesn’t accept what you are saying and rejects you, that is entirely on him. At least you let him know the facts as to why you have scars on your heart.

By being honest, you are giving him the gift of a having an actual chance to be a good father and man. It’s up to him whether or not he chooses to be that. I hope for his sake he does and apologizes for his role in all of this…

because there is no f**king way he was completely and utterly oblivious. This will also give you the chance at closure to that awful period of your life, so say exactly what you need to say to him.

blumoon138 −  Be prepared: your dad knew about far more than you’re giving him credit for and he endorsed it. I say this because he supported his wife taking your door off and nailing your window shut,

both of which are horrifyingly a**sive moves (seriously she took out your room’s fire exit). Speaking your truth will almost certainly cause him to double down and defend her abuse.

SNC__94 −  I’m of the opinion to burn it to the ground. Dying doesn’t erase your misdeeds and I won’t pretend they were half way decent. My dad’s side of the family gaslit themselves into thinking their grandfather was this loving and doting family man.

He was an a**sive father who hurt my dad and continued to hurt me and my sister. He abused everyone but they chose to erase that memory. It’s why we were on the outside taking the hits because we celebrated his d**th.

It was a release for us that someone who cause generational pain was finally gone. What your father remembers is a false narrative. It’s true to him but you got the real her and you should speak your truth. It’s up to him what he does with the information.

Your truth is more than being honest with other people, it’s being honest with yourself. I’ve accepted what was done to me; it wasn’t right and shouldn’t have happened, but I will break the cycle. I know I deserved better and so do you.

fiery_valkyrie −  You don’t owe him s**t. You don’t have to have a relationship with him if you want. You don’t have to help prop up his fantasy that he’s a great dad, when in reality he abused you and facilitated her abuse of you. If he’s going to cut you off for speaking the truth, that’s on him.

Interesting_Bake3824 −  He knows already, he’s just pathetic and weak. Tell him

Raibean −  I think you need to consider what you want from this conversation before you decide what to do. The best case scenario is that your father validates your feelings and apologizes and you feel a little bad for tarnishing his idea of her, however incomplete that idea was.

The middle scenario is that he downplays her actions or sweeps it under the rug but continues a relationship with you and you two never speak of it again. The worst case scenario is that he doesn’t believe you and he cuts you off. Before you make a decision, you need to think about which situations you can live with.

Some questions to think about: * Do you want an open and honest relationship with your father? Do you think he is capable of the emotional responsiveness that requires? * If you cannot have an open and honest relationship with your father, do you still want a relationship with him?

If you only want a relationship with your father if it can be open and honest, then you should tell him everything. If you want a relationship with him even if it’s not open and honest, and you think he is capable of being emotionally responsive enough to handle it,

then you should share one or two things that happened to gauge his response and then go from there. If you want a relationship with him, and you don’t think he is capable of being emotionally responsive enough to build one that is open and honest,

then I think you should simply tell him that his wife hurt you deeply and you don’t want to dig up the past. Other people on here will tell you that if your father can’t handle the truth then he is not worth having a relationship with, but you may feel differently, and *that is normal*.

It is normal to have conflicting feelings on your relationship with someone who failed you in the face of abuse. It is normal to want your father’s love, even if you have to settle for whatever love he can give you.

And it’s normal to decide that you’re not ready to let him go, no matter what. Only you can decide what you want, and that should be at the forefront of your mind when you decide how you want to handle this conversation.

Stylistguru −  I think you need to be honest with him before you go into the details. Maybe ask him why he wants to know and if it’s really here to hinder or just to literally know the truth what is this stemming from? Does he want to mend your relationship? Will this hinder it or help it?

mamamietze −  When was the last time he told you that he thinks of his wife as the perfect mom and the reason for your leaving was your mom? If it’s been a long time or you’ve not spoken about it since you left (or shortly thereafter), it may be that he knows.

So I would prepare yourself for that too–sometimes that’s worse, finding out just how much the enabler knew, and prioritized their own fantasy over their child’s safety. If he is actually asking what your side of the story is and this is recent,

I’m going to guess that perhaps he does know she was a**sive, or that the problems between you are not because of you or your mom, at least not in full. People get mean when their fantasy or remembrance is threatened though.

Seems like he’s got a history of reacting harshly when he goes into denial or someone challenges him. So it’s probably worth putting into place some ground rules, and really asking if you are both ready for you to be honest about what happened.

You also may need some time to get support too, because honestly–you don’t get to choose whether or not he decides to cut contact if he doesn’t like what he hears. And trying to guess what threshold that’s at is too much taking on responsibility that’s not yours to bear and you can’t know anyway.

So until you are willing to say that it’s not your job to save him from cutting you off, I wouldn’t do this. It will not help you to rebuild your relationship when you have to do so over eggshells with someone who made the distinct choice to choose his fantasy over responsibility and reality before.

Funkyzebra1999 −  Not sure any parent who was happy to have a door removed and a window nailed up to prevent their child escaping abuse is worth saying a single thing to other than “F**k you”

If you feel the need to tell this abuse-enabling individual anything at all, give him the bloody lot. Tell him how a**sive she was, how it hurt you that he enabled her or, at best, ignored what she was doing, how you resented her,

what a negative effect she had on you and how thankful you were that your mother rescued you from the misery you were living through. I cannot see why you are trying to shield this man from the misery his wife inflicted upon you or the part he played in allowing her behaviour

FRANPW1 −  He abused you too. That should be the focus here. He saw that the door was removed from your room and that the windows were nailed shut. So, it’s up to you if you want to address the trauma and hostile environment he caused.

Personally, I don’t see the point. You are young and need to be focusing on your career and setting yourself up for success in life. YOUR FUTURE is the priority. Not sitting around having useless and ghoulish conversations with anyone. Good luck to you.

Balancing honesty and preserving family ties is never easy. Should she risk telling her father the truth to build a genuine relationship, or keep quiet to protect him and their bond? Share your thoughts in the comments below.