My boyfriend of almost a year came out to me as a trans woman. How do I know what’s right for me?

A Reddit user (19F) shares her emotional journey after her boyfriend of almost a year (21M) came out as a trans woman. While deeply in love and supportive, she’s grappling with the personal implications of this revelation and struggling to determine what’s right for her future. Read her heartfelt story below.

‘ My boyfriend of almost a year came out to me as a trans woman. How do I know what’s right for me?’

A week ago, the love of my life (21M) told me (19F) he wants to be a woman. He’s not identifying as a woman yet, he just told me that he’s felt this way since he was in middle school and now he finally feels strong enough to tell people and to take action. We’ve been in a relationship for almost 10 months.

I know that doesn’t seem like a long time, but we honestly have a bond and connection that I didn’t know existed. We never fight and we have so much fun together. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and I feel like I’m so lucky to have him. I love him with everything in me and I’m supportive. But since he’s told me, all I can think is: but what about me?

I still haven’t decided if I want to stay with him through this and see how I feel, or save myself the heartache and leave. He’s been nothing but understanding of me through all of this so far and knows that any decision I make is okay. He wants me to do what’s best for me, and I want him to do the same.

I’ve talked about it with various people in my support system, and I find that after every conversation I feel more confused and I lean toward a different decision depending on what they said to me. It makes me worry that I’m being swayed and not thinking about what I want. It doesn’t help that I’m also feeling 50 conflicting emotions at once.

This is the person I wanted to spend my life with. I don’t think I’ll be attracted to her though. I don’t think I’ll be able to watch the person I know melt away. But what about love? Should I leave because I deserve what I want? Or should I stay because I can’t imagine myself with anyone else?

It doesn’t help that every time I look for resources to figure this out for myself, I only can find things that will help and support and make HIM feel comfortable. But again, what about me? I am not hateful and I want him to live the life he deserves.

It’s a shame that this world is so cruel and makes all of this 10 times more difficult than it already is. I am here for him and I have been accepting and he’s already told me how grateful he is for that. I’m grateful for his understanding and support too.. Any thoughts are much appreciated.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

TempestCola −  You’re 19; he won’t be the first or last love of your life.  If this makes you uncomfortable you’re not compatible period. 

knitwise −  Feel grateful that he told you now after ten months and not 12 years and two children in. Having gone through this personally, I absolutely suggest you break up. You can always stay friends and be supportive,

but do not try to force an attraction that isn’t there just because you love them. Not only did my spouse physically change, but it turns out everything about her personality was a cover to hide her transness. The man I fell in love with never existed.

heydeservinglistener −  You’re 19. You’ve said you don’t see yourself with a woman and he’s come out. I’m personally doubting he is the love of your life, though its great you had a positive relationship with him. Heartbreaks are hard but most of adults go through them and they all turn out okay. You’re going to be okay too if you breakup.

But you can take more time if you’re not sure it’s the right decision for you yet. You can even talk to him and say, I support you so much but I’m having a hard time seeing how I fit in this relationship now. Can I take some time to digest this and think about it?

And you can even ask him what his thoughts are. He will have fully thought out the impact this may have in your relationship before telling you. He’s had more time to process this than you. It’s amazing he feels comfortable to be who he is, but you also need to take care of yourself.

You can be forthcoming about you don’t know what this means for the two of you now and you’re confused and how much he means to you so this is difficult for you how you may no longer be compatible.

Flower-of-Telperion −  If you aren’t attracted to women, the romantic relationship you have with this person is over. That’s okay. And it’s okay for you to grieve the end of a relationship. One thing I would ***not*** recommend is going into online spaces dominated by people who call themselves “trans widows.”

These people tend to be stuck in the bitterest part of their grief and are therefore extraordinarily transphobic. If you’re in college your school may have free counseling available to you—though again, make sure the counselor isn’t going to steer you down the path of bitterness and transphobia.

It’s possible you can remain friends with your partner. I can’t tell you if that’s what’s best for you; only you will be able to suss out whether your love for this person can segue into the love a woman has for her female friends.

Your boyfriend is changing, and you may find that your love for them will also change as you see their truest self emerge. It’s also possible your love will simply dissipate, and that’s not some horrible sin. A breakup is a breakup, even if the circumstances are a little different than most.

ATek_ −  Break up with him. You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn’t suit you. “I’m happy for you that you feel comfortable expressing yourself in this new manner but this is not the type of relationship that I am seeking.” He should be as understanding of you as you are to him.

airhornsman −  There’s a subreddit called mypartneristrans that helped me significantly. You’re 19, you have a lot of life ahead of you, and it’s ok to prioritize what you want and need.

My ex transitioned (MtF) 10 years into our relationship and 7 years into our marriage. My marriage ended, but it had nothing to do with her transitioning. She’s just a garbage person.That said, feel free to dm me with any questions.

louisiana_lagniappe −  Even if you are bisexual, even if you are attracted to this person no matter their gender, the process of transitioning is very difficult on a person and on their partner. At a minimum you really do need a therapist to help you work through it. 

sheilahulud −  You’re 19. So much to see and grow. Wish them well and move on.

bakedbombshell −  If you’re straight, you should break up. If you’re questioning your sexuality, you should talk to a therapist about this situation.

buildingbeautiful −  There are like a million other people you can be with

How would you approach a situation where love and self-identity seem at odds? Should she prioritize her feelings of attraction and future compatibility or stay and see where their bond takes them? Share your thoughts and advice below!