My boyfriend (M/29) and I (M/27) have been living Montréal for 6 months, he refuses to study French and yet he constantly complains about how lonely and left out he feels, we had a fight about it and I don’t know what to do

A man (27M) living in Montréal with his boyfriend (29M) is struggling to balance compassion with frustration. His boyfriend, originally from Vancouver, refuses to learn French and feels lonely and left out in the predominantly French-speaking city.

Despite promises to learn the language, he hasn’t made any efforts. At a New Year’s Eve party, his boyfriend felt excluded and lashed out, leading to a heated argument where harsh words were exchanged. Now, he’s questioning if he was too harsh or if his boyfriend needs to take responsibility. Read the full story below.

‘ My boyfriend (M/29) and I (M/27) have been living Montréal for 6 months, he refuses to study French and yet he constantly complains about how lonely and left out he feels, we had a fight about it and I don’t know what to do’

I’m a native English speaking bilingual from Montréal, I moved to Vancouver after university and lived there for 6 years, he and I met soon after I arrived but for various reasons didn’t get together until January. At this point I was working remotely, in French, for a Québec based company and traveling to Montréal every couple of weeks so this summer I asked him if he wanted to just move there, he had been several times and loved the city and said yes.

He grew up in BC and only ever spoke English, I explained to him before we moved that although he would be able to get around in English he’s going to have a difficult time connecting with people or feeling at home without any French, he told me that he’d try to learn.

He got a job here that only requires him to speak English but all his colleagues speak to one another in French so he has trouble connecting with them, it’s the same with the bars, restaurants, dép near our house, he can get a drink or cigarettes but he’s not striking up any random conversations and the result is that he’s very lonely, with the only friends he really has here being one neighbour who is much older a few of the people I grew up with who come over sometimes.

I understand why he’s sad, and I should add that he has bipolar disorder and is on medication, but all he does is complain about it and when I tell him to take a class he says that he doesn’t have the time or the energy, he had hoped to learn French by immersion but I have explained to him that doesn’t work in a bilingual city, the reason you can learn French just by living in Paris is because you have no other option, you’re forced to constantly practice to communicate.

Tonight we went to a party for the New Year hosted by my childhood best friend, it was a very bilingual party but my boyfriend was drinking and obviously quite upset. We left a little after midnight and he exploded on me about how I don’t support him, how he was humiliated and left out, even though most of my conversations were done in English tonight and I always tried to turn the conversation back to English if it was in French.

I exploded and told him that he’s acting like an entitled b**t and stereotypical “angryphone”, that he wants to have a community and friends and be included but isn’t willing to even make the smallest effort to learn the language of the people that he wants to be friends with.

He accused me of being cruel, not considering him and thinking that I’m better than him and started crying. I feel really guilty now, like I really hurt him and may have induced a depressive episode, not that I think what I said was wrong but I wonder if I was too harsh and insensitive either in my delivery or by saying it at all.

**TLDR:** My boyfriend and I moved back to my hometown Montréal, which is a bilingual city where most peoples’ first language is French, he is very lonely and yet refuses to even try to learn. He got very mad tonight about how he felt left out at a party for the new year.

Check out how the community responded:

JustAsICanBeSoCruel −  Look, I’m sorry he is feeling left out, but he’s an adult. He has the ability to solve why he is so upset by putting in a little effort everyday to learn a new language, but instead he would just rather complain and bring his frustrations out on you.

There are SO many resources to learn French and…Québécois French. You know how I found out that was the specific type of French they speak in Québec? I took the initiative and looked it up. If he has a smart phone or access to the internet, he can learn to be conversational in the language of the locals, and I’m sure you’d be willing to talk to him at home in it as well to help him practice.

But instead he wants to be miserable. He wants the world to change to suit his own laziness. Trust me, I understand how hard learning a new language is, I really, really do, but it’s absolutely possible for him.

ALL THAT SAID, I am aware of how isolating places like Québec can be…they can be very excluding to those they don’t see as one of their own, especially in some work circles. Even if they are a little excluding, that can exacerbate his feelings of isolation…but if he doesn’t make *any* effort, then I really don’t see there be ANY chance of him feeling included in this new community.

OP, you can’t fix him. You can’t make him learn a new language. All you can do is decide of you want to be with someone that is choosing at this point to be miserable and bring that misery out on you. I don’t think that’s a healthy way to cope with his feelings and I personally wouldn’t stay with someone like that. He doesn’t seem fit to be in a relationship right now if he lashes out at his partner for his own s**t.

SmileAndLaughrica −  Are there not English speaking communities in Montreal? Even in Berlin, Amsterdam, etc, you can find them. Usually called “expat communities” but you can sometimes find expat cinema or games clubs.

The reality is that it will take him at least 6 months to gain any functional level of French proficiency and he needs friends and community now. Once the language issue becomes less contentious – and right now both of you are having a lot of emotions around this which is not helping things – he may be more inclined to once the pressure is off.

Mariner-and-Marinate −  He’s lonely and homesick. Maybe he just needs to move back to his home city for a while and figure things out for himself. Sometimes, the social situations you describe are not the easiest way to learn a language, especially after a long work day in which he only spoke his native language.

Initial_Donut_6098 −  Agree with the other commenter that he needs to find an “expat” community rather than focusing on learning French. That way, his only social connections aren’t his co-workers and you, and he won’t feel like he has to acquire a whole language before he can find a place in the city where he feels comfortable.

And if you called him names (“entitled b**t”), then yes, you were too harsh. That’s not really acceptable behavior in a healthy relationship. I understand your frustration with his complaining and perceived lack of effort, but have you fully put yourself in his shoes? He thought this would all be a lot easier than it has turned out to be.

You “knew better,” but it’s your home and your culture. He left his home to follow you, he has no other real community, and he is experiencing culture shock.  This relationship doesn’t have much of a future if it depends on you policing his acquisition of French — your constantly “explaining to him” how things work, although well meant, puts you in a position of authority over him — that’s why he accused you of thinking you’re better than he is.

Instead, maybe approach the issue with more compassion. Have you said, “I love you, I’m so glad you’re here, I’m grateful for all that you’ve given up to be with me, and it hurts me to see you unhappy here. Can we work together to find some activities/outlets/opportunities/communities that might help you feel more at home?” If he simply will not engage, will not take any initiative or do any work to make Quebec work for him, then life in a bilingual city will not work for y’all. 

Freshiiiiii −  I want to give some practical resources in case your boyfriend decides he does want to learn French. There’s always Duolingo, and that’s a great start, but Duolingo and most other resources are geared toward teaching you a kind of official/proper/classroom-style French from France, Parisian/Metropolitian French.

If he wants to learn to understand casually and rapidly spoken Quebec French in a casual friendly environment, there are some resources that might help him, as the Quebecois speak very fast and really contract words together a lot. Like, Quebec people almost never actually say ‘Je suis…’ like you’d learn in a class, they say ‘shu’ or ‘shwee’ even though they still write it as ‘je suis’. These sorts of things can throw off learners.

There’s a set of workbooks and grammars called “Pour ici” that’s targeted at realistic, practical, conversational Quebecois French. There’s a small book called Learn Canadian French by Pierre Lévesque, and two free apps called Mauril and UTalk which are helpful for understanding rapid casually-spoken Canadian French (Mauril especially).

Also, I haven’t watched it yet, but apparently there’s a great French dub of the Simpsons where everyone has strong working-class Montreal accents, so if he wants immersion, there’s like 40 seasons of that he could check out. I’m sure there’s other French immersion content he could watch too, whether Canadian or otherwise, it’ll still help regardless.

doittomejulia −  Your frustration is understandable, but you’re kind of glossing over the fact that he is struggling with a mental illness. Treatment of bipolar disorder relies heavily on set routines and outside support. I know it might seem to you that he isn’t trying, but he seems to be doing his best by taking meds and communicating his feelings.

Unfortunately this is a lifelong struggle that you as his partner will also have to face. He’s made a huge commitment by moving to be with you. Your relationship is fairly young and it seems like neither of you really considered the gravity of this move and it’s possible consequences.

Like many have said already, your best bet is to try and connect him with an English speaking community. It’s difficult to motivate yourself to do things when you’re feeling depressed and lonely. It’s going to take time for him to feel at home, but finding connection with people he can speak and relate to will make the transition much easier.

I know this puts a lot of pressure on you, but if you want to stay with this person long term, you’re going to have to learn to accept that he will sometimes require extra support. It might not feel fair to you, but it’s the reality of partnering with someone who is living with a mental illness.

IllFox2719 −  Verdun has lots of english ppl. Also west island. Tell him to go on r/montreal and make a post about meeting up with ppl he’ll have a group in no time!! Lots of us english ppl in montreal just need to know where to look or where to ask. I think there are groups on meetup also. 🙂

Kiloyankee-jelly46 −  He sounds like a bit of a nob. But also, with BPD, it kind of doesn’t matter at times what the trigger is. His brain is going to throw its tantrum anyway. Effectively, he has two choices – learn French and see if it makes some difference, or move back to somewhere “angryphone”.

In your shoes, I would be more than a little tempted to get him to make that decision as a single man. The lack of effort on his part does not speak well to his character, even taking into account that it is very tiring dealing with a mental illness and living in a country where you don’t speak the language.

rannieb −  The situation sucks but you are not alone. I am a Montrealer and have known many couples who came to establish themselves here and had issues over the language.

Maybe try and figure out why he refuses to learn French to start with? Do you think he would have the same issue if you had let say gone to Italy to live? Would he have refused to learn Italian?

If the answer is no then he needs some education as to why French is important to Quebecers and why Quebec is a distinct society. Also, unfortunately, Quebecers (European background natives) despite being quick to make acquaintances, don’t make new friends easily. As a newcomer you do have to make a lot of effort to establish friendships here.

Finally, he does have to make constant effort to fit into a culture that is not his own and that may take a toll on him. Showing him some empathy and asking him to reassess his decision to move here may be helpful to your relationship.. Good luck!

Wondercat87 −  Wait, does he expect you to translate for him? That’s a lot of labor to expect from someone when he made a conscious choice to move to Montreal. It’s not like he’s from another country and was unaware that Montreal is a French speaking city. He’s Canadian and it’s widely known that Quebec is a French speaking province.

You are already doing so much to turn conversations to English and provide him with opportunities to meet people. HE needs to put in some effort if he wants to meet people and make connections.

He has ample opportunity to practice his French. I’m sure if he actually made some friends he could practice and get really good! There are apps like Duolingo also that can help. The CBC also has an app called Mauril that uses their French content to help people learn French. He also likely has access to libraries with texts in French that he could learn from too!

Learning a language is something a person has to work to do. He can’t expect to learn it through osmosis. Like you said Montreal is a fairly bilingual city. So he’ll need to do some ground work to build up a foundation to learn. Plus he may have learned some French in school growing up, but that’s probably long forgotten by now. He’ll need to revisit the fundamentals and then go from there.

The fact that he puts the blame onto you for not having a social life is ridiculous. It’s not your fault. He’s choosing not to do the work needed to have one. My advice is to not own this or take on the responsibility. You are already doing plenty to support him. This is a situation where he has plenty of resources around him, yet he’s choosing to not do anything and blame everyone else.

Moving to a new city and adapting to a different culture can be challenging, especially when language barriers come into play. Is it fair to expect someone to learn a new language for their partner, or should they be free to set their own pace? How would you navigate the balance between empathy and setting expectations? Share your thoughts below!