My boyfriend [30M] of three years has a problem with video games and I [27F] need guidance

A woman is concerned about her boyfriend’s excessive video game usage, which has begun affecting their relationship and his responsibilities. While he has a history of overcoming other addictions, she’s questioning whether his gaming habits have become a new form of addiction.

Despite her efforts to address her concerns and set boundaries, he continues to prioritize gaming over their time together, house upkeep, and sufficient rest. She’s seeking guidance on whether this behavior qualifies as an addiction and how to approach the situation effectively. Read the full story below for details.

‘ My boyfriend [30M] of three years has a problem with video games and I [27F] need guidance’

So my SO and I have been together for three years. Our relationship thus far has been decent, no major downs, any arguments we have are absolutely managable. My boyfriend has a history of addiction; drugs, alcohol, and gambling. He has been clean of all these activities for eight years.

I’m well aware that cross addiction exists as he has to drink coffee every morning and can’t shake cigarettes… But one bad habit at a time right? I on the other hand, have not experienced addiction. When I looked at my budget and saw I smoked too much weed, I cut it out immediately.

I’ve done the same with other activities that are either a strain time wise or financially (like getting a daily coffee, or watching tv for more than three hours at a time). So I’m trying very hard to not be an armchair Doctor or therapist but right now I’m really annoyed. My SO has to play video games at least once or twice every hour or so.

He has mobile games downloaded onto his phone and iPad that he can play for hours on end. When he gets home from work our time together has slowly shifted from talking, doing activities together, to me pulling him away from his iPad to just talk to me while I cook dinner.

He grew up in a very strict Asian household where he had to sneak his video game use until age 16, while I grew up in white Catholic heaven where if we wanted to play GTA we had to write an essay about the moral shortcomings of the characters and agree to not play more than two hours at a time and no violent games on Sunday. So it’s not like I hate video games..

I just feel like after a couple hours or so that I need to do other things with my day. I don’t expect the same for him, but I can’t handle video games all the time. It started with him telling me that he was exhausted from work and needed to decompress. He works in a high stress environment and I didn’t see anything wrong with decompressing.

It then turned into him constantly begging me to play video games. We started playing a certain game three weeks ago, I was out of town this weekend and when I came back I was really disappointed with the state or home was in. Bed not made, dishes not done, trash not taken out, but dammit he managed to play over fourteen hours a day on our Xbox.

I wake up early (6am) and roll over to him playing video games already. I fell asleep last night before he did and woke up around midnight to him playing video games again. Hes in a carpool and plays video games the hour drive to and from work, then comes home plays video games at least a minimum of four hours, apparently now is sneaking video game time during the night as well.

I’ve been trying to determine whether or not this is video game addiction or not. He’s not spending all our money on them…just all his time. I’ve told him that I don’t like playing video games for very long and that his constant use bothers me; he seems to understand what I’m saying and then go right back to it or become a little more sneaky. So I guess to sum?

Does this sound like video game addiction? I’m sorry because I just kind of word vommitted everything in hopes to better illustrate my situation. I know that if this is an addiction I can’t help completely and that he needs to want to change, but is there anything I can do to remove any enabling or help?

To be frank I’ve worked hard to not enable, I’ve told him his usage bothers me and that there are appropriate times to play, but it seems to go in and out. It doesn’t help that a lot of his friends also encourage constant video game use as they too can spend *days* gaming. Like have weekend sleepovers to all play league over and over and over.

I’m looking for outsider perspective because I don’t use video games that often. I like them, have some of my own favorites, but I don’t understand playing so long every night that you only sleep three hours before going into work.

See what others had to share with OP:

GenericDreadHead −  Yes he’s addicted. I’m a hardcore gamer (30+ hours a week) and he’s got a strong reek of the behavioural addiction symptoms (games, like gambling etc is a behaviour addiction, not a physical one).. You need to do a few things. Firstly, You need to properly sit him down and talk to him properly about this.. You’ve said this in your OP:

‘I’ve told him his usage bothers me and that there are appropriate times to play, but it seems to go in and out.”But this, this is not direct, strong and clear enough. It’s time to address to the fallout it’s having on your relationship, how it’s making you really feel and what the consequences of his actions are.

Secondly, I’ve given others on here advice on how to reduce the amount of time he spends gaming with both of you coming up with a kind of “Online/Offline” day/times system, you can read about that stuff

OptimusPrimeTime21 −  why does it bother you that he plays when you go to sleep? Not trying to be a j**k but my fiancée has similar issues to my gaming time so I reserved my time to playing when she’s at work or the store or sleeping as she goes to sleep earlier than I do

thesilentforest −  Consider this: there is a possibility that your bf is using video games as a stop gap to prevent himself from falling back into his other, much more dangerous vices.
I’d have a talk with him if that is the case, and if there’s anything you can do to help him destress in a way where his stopgap vice doesn’t overtake him completely–else you’re gonna have a failed relationship soon.

Arcades −  I’m going to give you some slightly different advice than most of the commentors in this thread. Don’t give him an ultimatum. Don’t restrict his gaming time. Instead, tell him that you’re unhappy, clearly express what YOU want from this relationship and what YOU need to feel fulfilled and happy.

A person “addicted” to gaming or someone who plays more than may be healthy will only ever change by personal choice. If you set boundaries, he may comply for awhile, but he will likely be thinking about his game or wishing he was doing something else. You get the shell, but not the man. You should make clear that you want this to work, but it has to be mutual.

It’s not a choice between “woman or machine”. It’s a choice to live a more diversified lifestyle, which includes relationships with people outside of the gaming world, taking care of himself physically and mentally, advancing in his career, and then having some time for games as a fun leisure activity too.

It’s all about balance, but you cannot force it with artificial means. All you can do is let him know this is a problem and give him a reasonable amount of time to change. Obviously, if he doesn’t choose balance or change, you leave him.

noruh −  It is sometimes tough to say what is and isn’t an addiction. I would consider the following things: 1) Is his video game playing negatively affecting other aspects of his life? 2) Is he mentally/emotionally/physically unable to stop playing?

Spiffymooge −  He’s addicted and no it definitely doesn’t help that his friends all play. It is just League of Legends though? Or are there other games? LoL is addictive till its not. But I remember the beginning was terrible, especially with friends it’s even more addictive. I think the fastest way to deal with it is to swap addictions.

Personally, I went from gaming to working out and that lasted till I started living alone but it took the edge off gaming. Definitely no a lot of all night gaming or too much if I need to work the next day. I think getting him hooked on something else to take the edge off is a fast fix then you can help him ease into more healthy addictions.

Because once you’ve had an addiction it’s super easy to have another. But if they’re healthy addictions or healthier than it’s better.

tasulife −  Because you said he’s been addicted to a bunch of stuff I think he might fit the “addictive personality” type. Please note that the medical community doesn’t have consensus on the existence of addictive personalities…. but in my personal experience I fulfill the characteristics, so I believe in it.

I’ve been fighting video-game addiction and I’ve been successful with the concept that “I can’t control myself, so I give the control to someone else”. For smartphones…. I don’t carry one. I carry a dumb old flip-phone that doesn’t do games at all. I have a desktop gaming computer and I asked my wife to put a bios password on it.

So I have to ask her to log me into my computer before I can use it. Frankly, I ask her about every day to use it, so Its good I don’t have control over when to use it. I’ve found that my life has been getting a lot better without perpetual gaming.

I’m more willing to do chores and I’m more rested because I don’t stay up all night every night. I also have been seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depressants, and really I saw the most signification change in my behavior (for the better) when I started to curb the things I was hopelessly addicted to.

Naleid −  I’m looking for outsider perspective because I don’t use video games that often. You make this sound like d**g use. It’s a hobby. Video games are only a dangerous hobby because they are always available. If fishing was his hobby he couldn’t do it in the living room right after work for example, those hobbies take planning and setting aside time.

Hanging out at the pub is kind-of a hobby that is more accessible but still not as accessible as video games. If you treat it like a d**g addiction, of course you won’t like it and want him to stop. That’s on you though. If you try to tell him he’s addicted or that they are bad for him you’ll just confuse him and start an argument because he likely won’t agree.

Additionally, if he is using video games to cope with life’s stressors, then that means you probably aren’t as much help as the video games or you could be one of the causes of his stress. So keep that in mind before you confront him about his “problem” because it might be his one and only escape from both work and *you*

Good_Advice_Service −  He has a strong addiction, you are right, and he may be using games to deal with depression or anxiety too. I dont think you should tolerate this indefinitely. Give him an ultimatum to seek therapy and cut down his gaming to an agreed level or leave him.