My boyfriend [30M] of 16 years won’t commit to me [29F] even in small ways.

A Reddit user shares their frustrations about their long-term boyfriend of 16 years who refuses to fully commit, despite owning a home together and recently getting engaged. Although the user feels ready for a deeper commitment, their boyfriend’s actions, such as keeping separate bank accounts, not allowing personal touches in their home,

and avoiding wedding planning, are causing doubts. Despite being engaged, the boyfriend seems to have no interest in actually making concrete steps toward their future together. Read the full story to understand how this relationship is struggling with commitment.

‘ My boyfriend [30M] of 16 years won’t commit to me [29F] even in small ways.’

I love my boyfriend. We’ve been together since high school and when I picture my future, it always includes him. I’m not sure he feels the same way. My boyfriend Rick (name changed) and I live together. In fact, we own a home together. Even though we own a home together and have been together for 16 years, I still feel like just a roommate to him,

like he can’t really commit to me. Here are some things he does that kind of make me question whether he’s really “in this” or not with me:

Though we live together and own a home together, we keep our bank accounts separate. He also insists on paying the mortgage by himself, with his own account, every month. I pay some utilities and buy groceries, almost as though I’m paying “rent” to live in his home.

Rick has not allowed me to put any personal touches on our home. Though we’ve lived in it for a while, it looks the same as when we moved in, with the exception of the room his computer is in, which is decorated to his liking. Every time I mention something we could do (like paint) or show him something I like, he either tells me it’s dumb or says he doesn’t like it. I don’t push him because I don’t want to start an argument.

Rick and I recently got engaged. Now, I know that doesn’t scream commitment issues, but hear me out. A few years ago a couple of close friends of ours got engaged. I was upset because I’ve had to watch all of my friends get married after being with their boyfriends for much shorter periods of time.

He caught on to the bad mood I was in during their engagement and wedding, and I told him why I was upset. So a week after their wedding he agreed to get me a ring. I went with him to buy it. I thought I was finally getting somewhere, but he told me it wasn’t an engagement, and that I could wear it, but he’d ask when he was ready. It’s like he bought the ring to shut me up about marriage.

After months of his friends cracking jokes about our “non engagement”, he finally just decided one night while we were at home that it could be official. He said he had a huge plan to surprise me to propose, but I never heard anything else about it. It wasn’t my dream proposal, but it was finally happening so I said yes.

He insisted on a long engagement (at least a year), and didn’t want to set a date at first. I began planning and looking at wedding stuff because I figured it would eventually happen, but he never seemed interested. It’s been about 6 months and we’ve picked a date (with much pushing on my part),

but he wants nothing to do with any wedding planning unless it’s to voice his dislike of something I’ve done. He spends most of his days on his computer when he’s not at work, and if he does happen to come out to see me, he goes right back shortly after if I so much as bring up the wedding. He has very strong opinions about what our wedding shouldn’t be, but doesn’t want to talk about the wedding at all to give me an idea of what he does want.

Every idea I have for the wedding gets shot down. It’s almost as though he’s trying to stop the wedding from ever happening by making sure I can’t plan it. He told my close friend’s husband (they’re friends) that he regrets proposing because I’ve been “going crazy” about the wedding, and that he wouldn’t have proposed had he known what I was going to act like.

Like what, he’s surprised that wedding planning takes place after you get engaged!? I don’t think I’m going overboard about any of it, but it’s a huge deal to me. I’ve spent over half of my life with this man and I’ve always dreamed of a huge wedding.

I just don’t know what to do. It’s like he agrees to commit to me in certain ways, but when it comes to actually doing anything concrete he can’t do it. It’s hard to talk to friend’s about it because the ones who do know the whole situation think he proposed just to get everyone (including me) off of his back about it. What do you guys think?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

jabberdoggy −  He doesn’t want to marry you. Maybe you feel like you’ve sunk too much time in this relationship to walk away. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? It doesn’t sound like he has ever treated you as someone he is making a home with. I think he just wants a roommate he can have s** with sometimes.

You deserve to have a fiance who is excited about marrying you. It is not too late to walk away, and find someone who really cares about you.

Dolomite808 −  I feel more like a roommate than his future wife. That’s what it sounds like from this end too. I didn’t see anything in your post about why you even like this guy. Are you just staying with him because you’ve been with him for so long? Or does this relationship actually work for you aside from the commitment dodging? He’s throwing up red flags left and right, and I just wonder what you are getting out of the relationship.

Akavinceblack −  From this post it doesn’t even look like you’re a couple of any kind, at all. It’s like he’s doing the very bare minimum required to keep you around and begrudgingly at that.

Ryocchi −  Girl, don’t. Had I heard the same thing, I would straight up sit him down that night and asked him “Without any b**lshit, do you really want to marry me?” if the answer is no, abort the mission asap, break up move out, don’t feel that because you have been with him for so long that you should stick around.

Seriously, I wouldn’t have accepted either the ring or that proposal to be honest I bet you 100 dollars that he didn’t even explain the “huge plan to surprise you”, because that was b**lshit.
Don’t beg for for the leftovers of his attention, care or respect.

terrabadnZ −  You’re too afraid of being alone to see the incredibly obvious truth here.

throwmethrowww −  OP, why are you still with this guy?

Redmacleod −  You’ve been together since you were 13! Take a break. Get some perspective. This is not how people are supposed to treat people. Accept, apparently, a lot of Redditors are treated this way. Do you actually like this person? You don’t do things around the house because you are afraid of an argument? Paint the f’ing living room.

PS – it doesn’t matter who pays the mortgage. You’re both on title. You get half when you leave. I would expect that you’ve been together so long you’ve satisfied most state laws for a common law marriage, but check to make sure with an attorney if you have any questions about your other rights. I hope there are no children involved.

Pregnantwhale −  Your story is much like my older sisters. She finally got her boyfriend of 11 years to propose after his family kept nagging and questioning him. She was the queen of ‘always a bridesmaid, never a bride’.. Tons of Italian weddings they went to. So when he proposed, She went wedding crazy. They had a two year engagement saving for their wedding.

It was a grand 50,000$ Italian wedding. Gorgeous venue. Best caterers. Just beautiful. Anyways, 6 months into marriage she sees he hasn’t changed any. He’s even less committed now that they are married. He thinks boys nights are every night and she can stay at home alone all the time.

She packs up and goes to our Grandmothers across the country to get away for two weeks to think. He doesn’t call her or text her. She gets back and he didn’t even notice her arrival nor did he care. That day she got back she got him to sit down and talk to her. She asked him, do you really want to be married and doing this? He said no. She said neither do I.

She packed her clothes and belongings in garbage bags and left that night and never looked back. She met an amazing man who is 100% about her. This man adores her and she adores him. They are so perfect for each other it’s sickening and they are the envy of everyone who sees them together. It’s amazing within a year of dating he proposed to her.

So it goes to show. If a man truly wants to commit he will. I don’t know your story reminded me of my sister and I just thought I’d share. I say don’t waste your time. My sister wasted her time and money. You don’t have to.