My boyfriend (25M) cannot handle being alone when I (24F) am busy

A Reddit user shared her struggle with her boyfriend’s inability to handle being alone on weekends. While she enjoys their time together, she’s noticed that he becomes extremely anxious and distraught when left without plans, citing feelings of wasting time and fear of isolation.

Despite her encouragement to develop hobbies or find fulfilling solo activities, he insists nothing makes him happy unless he’s around others. The user is seeking ways to support him while encouraging him to find independence. Read the original story below to explore her dilemma.

‘ My boyfriend (25M) cannot handle being alone when I (24F) am busy?’

We’ve been together about five months. This is a problem he’s always had, way before he met me. He cannot be alone on a weekend. Weekdays are okay because he is tired from work and just wants to chill and play playstation or watch a show if he’s alone. But on a weekend, he has to be with his friends or me or he implodes.

I attempted to get him to articulate his feelings today and this is what he gave me: he feels like he is wasting a weekend day (again, even if we are just sitting at home eating and watching something, he’s okay),

he feels extremely anxious and wants to hide from everyone and run away (also again, none of his friends are going out so it’s not like he’s missing something important), and he doesn’t feel good about me going out without him and possibly getting hit on (but he says he trusts me and he has no reason not to).

It doesn’t feel like he is quilting me into spending time with him, but I hate to see him like this. He was distraught when I last saw him this morning. I explained that he needs to solve this because we’re getting older:

eventually all his friends will be married and I might be busy or he might be single and he can’t implode every time no one will hang out with him on a weekend. Also this mentality cannot be healthy. I also tried to encourage him to find something that makes him happy when he’s alone.

When I’m alone and he’s out with his friends for example, I have assignments, I read, I might bake something, etc. He has nothing. No hobbies like that. And he says that nothing like that makes him happy. In fairness, I am more introverted and he is an extreme extrovert.

He feels his best when he is around other people while I feel my best when I am alone or with him. I’m trying to be a loving and supporting partner. What can I do to help him?

I love spending time with him and we usually do spend weekends together, but I don’t think me dropping my plans is a solution here. I want him to find something that will fulfil him that doesn’t involve other people. What can I do?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  You can encourage him to get a hobby and a therapist. Him being unable to make plans for himself and occupy his own time at 25 is not really normal.

Also the line about him not liking you going out because you’re getting hit on is super concerning. You’ve only been dating five months and he’s also showing signs of jealousy and paranoia.

teresajs −  This is huge red flag behavior for only dating 5 months. He’s using his fears and anxieties to control your behavior. My advice: Do what you want. Don’t cater to him on these issues. Don’t take responsibility for his feelings.

If he says, “I don’t want you going out with friends because you might meet other guys,” tell him, “I’m not interested in other guys. I’m going out to hang with my friends,” and you go. If he says, “I’m lonely without you,” tell him, “I’m busy. I’ll let you know when I’m available.

I’m sure you’ll think of something to do until then,” and then turn off your phone or ignore any contact from him until you’re available. If he can’t handle you setting reasonable boundaries like this, then you’re better off ending things early instead of putting more time into this relationship.

helendestroy −  he doesn’t feel good about me going out without him and possibly getting hit on (but he says he trusts me and he has no reason not to). Ok, up to here I was like dude is too old to need other people like this, but here is the crux.

He is controlling and he does want to keep you with him so he can control your time too. Not trusting other men is a b**lshit way of saying “I Don’t Trust You.” Secretly he thinks you’re a slapper.

Wubbalubbadubbitydo −  5 months and he’s this codependent. Yikes. This is a glaring red flag. What this guy honestly needs is therapy and to be single for awhile. He’s behavior is not healthy or normal.

utterlyunhinged −  You can’t help someone else enjoy his own company. That’s gotta come from him internally. You can’t help someone else become okay with the fact that you’ve got your own thing going on. That’s gotta come from within him.

He doesn’t seem to want to change. Are you sure this is where you want to be in life right now, coaching a grown man on how not to become distraught over every day things?

MathHatter −  OP, I have the exact same problem as your boyfriend. Everyone else seems to love waking up on Saturday morning with no plans and no obligations. I find it excruciating, and get super-anxious about wasting the weekend. It’s especially bad if I’d be alone (I’m also a strong extrovert) and/or it’s really nice outside.

You know what I’ve never, EVER done? Tell an SO they can’t go off and do something otherwise totally reasonable, that they want to do, because of my anxiety. Or try to take up their whole weekend every weekend. Or even remotely suggest that in any form. That would be controlling and unhealthy.

He needs a therapist. And you should either d**p him (and tell him why, if you want to help him), or tell him in completely clear terms that if he ever makes this your problem again, you’re walking. And then stick to it.

mittenista −  Tl;dr: boyfriend can’t stand being alone. How can I help him? Unfortunately, you can’t. He’s going to have to go the work to help himself. You can point him towards therapy, hobbies, friends, but then you have to leave him to it. It’s like working out – you can take a person to a gym, but you can’t make them work out.

Also, the fact that he’s guilting you into not going out with friends is concerning. It’s a red flag for increasing possessiveness and future controlling behavior. If you want to stay with him, I suggest not giving in to try and soothe him. When we go along with insecure behavior, we actually reinforce it.

I can’t post links here, but quick googling will show you that comforting someone with insecurities only feeds it, instead of helping it. That’s because they get dependent on the comforting, and need more and more of it.

I think instead of reassuring him, you should change your response to “I love you but we’ve already discussed about this and my reassurances clearly aren’t enough. Until you start getting therapy I’m not talking about this.”

Floweringpooops −  It’s been 5 months. This relationship has no chance of being a healthy relationship if it’s starting off that way. Please consider finding someone to date who is more mentally stable

goatsnboots −  Thank you for all the comments thus far. I found them to be a bit harsh at first, but now I appreciate the dose of reality. A couple things: 1. He never tells me not to go out exactly. He just tells me how agonizing it is for him. 2. He acknowledges that this is unhealthy. He’s brought up therapy before casually.

I agree the codependency thing is bad. It sucks for him but it also sucks for me to have to deal with a guy who cannot be happy with himself and his own thoughts.

Fop1990 −  I think you should encourage him to see a therapist. Even if solitary hobbies are the obvious solution, it seems like his anxiety about being alone is the bigger, underlying issue. As others have said, the key thing is whether he himself admits that his fear of being alone is a problem.