My boyfriend (24) puts no effort into gift giving for me (25)

A 25-year-old woman has been dating her 24-year-old boyfriend for 4 years. Despite her clear communication about her preferences, he repeatedly gives her gifts she doesn’t want or need, especially clothes, despite her telling him not to.

She works in social media, has an abundance of clothes, and works from home, making business casual attire unnecessary. After asking for jewelry or household items for her cats, he still gave her clothes and shoes, which led her to feel frustrated and unappreciated. She’s unsure how to approach this recurring issue. read the original story below…

‘ My boyfriend (24) puts no effort into gift giving for me (25)’

We have been together for 4 years and there hasn’t been a single time he’s gotten me a gift I’ve liked, used, asked for, or wanted. We are very close, we spend so much time together, and it’s a constant disappointment every time and now I’m starting to feel as if it’s intentional or that he genuinely just doesn’t care to try.

I work in social media and I have an over abundance of clothes, shoes, makeup, etc in those categories. I tell him constantly “please don’t get me anything clothing related I seriously don’t have the room anymore” and almost without fail, he gets me clothes every time.

And the funniest part is, he gets me business casual clothes. I work from home as an independent contractor and have zero need for business casual (even thought I do have a handful of BC options if I need them).

This year I suggested not doing gifts because it’s really disappointing to put so much effort into someone else’s gift knowing that I’m going to receive a half @ssed gift. he wanted to do them anyways and as nicely as I could, I asked him to please not get me clothes.

I asked for a piece of jewelry or some household items for my cats. He got me clothes and shoes. A blouse and some flats. I’m so irritated and angry and at this point, it feels like weaponized incompetence and I hate to sound ungrateful but I’m genuinely at a loss for words now.

How do I approach this? TL;DR my partner puts no effort into gifts and repeatedly buys me items i specifically ask him not to buy and it’s upsetting me that he doesn’t care to try.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

MossValley −  You’ve been with this guy 4 years. Just be honest with him. It seems like his mom is picking out your gifts or something. So weird.

iorilondon −  Have you asked him directly why he keeps getting you clothes when you specifically ask him to get you anything else from the other options you suggest? If so, what did he say? Also, when you asked him not to get you clothes, you said you did it nicely and politely. How did you phrase it?

Because if it was at all indirect, you may just need to be more direct and forceful: “I really don’t want clothing as presents. I appreciate receiving the gifts, but I do not want or need more clothes.

Do not get me anymore clothes. I tried to be nice and polite about this, but either you misunderstood or I wasn’t clear enough, so just to underline it: no more clothing presents.”

heatherkan −  “You have bought me things I specifically asked you not to buy me. Since we’ve had this discussion several times, I don’t think it could be a simple mistake- so I feel like you’re trying to specifically be hurtful to me- but I can’t imagine why you’d do that. So what’s going on? Why did you buy me something I asked you not to buy?”

einsteinGO −  You say he’s short fused, but is he so short fused that you can’t tell him what you do/don’t want directly? Because that is a problem you’re minimizing if that’s the case.

Bigger than getting clothes you don’t want. He should be able to cope with direct feedback without you feeling like the negative consequence is so bad you can’t speak up for yourself.

spacey_a −  This is so weird of him. It’s definitely time to confront him and ask him to explain why he got you those specific gifts. Wait for his explanation, and then remind him that you asked specifically for NO clothes, and he still chose to do this. Ask him why he chose not to listen to you.

Ask him why he chose not to put thought or effort into finding something you would enjoy, like you do for his gifts. He didn’t forget or not hear you – this is a pattern that has played out several times, so he needs to give a full explanation of why he keeps doing this,

and why HE insisted on a gift exchange when you’d be happier not doing gifts at all at this point, and he still didn’t put any thoughts about YOU into the gift he chose for YOU. To me it sounds like he just likes getting well thought out gifts for himself, but doesn’t bother putting any effort in himself for your gift.

So he gets all the benefits of the gift exchange and you get all the mental labor of actually considering him, but only disappointment for yourself. If this is the case, he is not only selfish, but rude, uncaring, inconsiderate, and m**ipulative for pushing to do the gift exchange after you expressed that you’d rather not.

gdognoseit −  This feels like he’s training you.. Please read the book,. Why does he do that. By Lundy Bancroft. It’s free online.

SheiB123 −  He doesn’t care enough about you to listen and buy you something that you like. He is doing this on purpose. The fact that you are scared to tell him because of his short fuse is a red flag. Get out and find someone who really listens to you and cares about you

CarrotofInsanity −  You do sound afraid of him. That’s not good. I’m speculating that he’s not thoughtful about your whole relationship; not just gifts 🎁. He can’t just compartmentalize Christmas gifts. This must be relationship wide.

Lunoko −  Don’t date men with anger issues. It will eat at you and you will become a different person, too scared to even communicate about simple issues because you don’t want to poke the bear.

And that’s ignoring the likelihood of his anger issues escalating into something even more dangerous. He doesn’t seem to give you much care or thought.

ShelfLifeInc −  Buying clothes isn’t like buying a candle or a pot plant; it takes *effort*. You need to memorise your recipient’s sizes across very inconsistent metrics, plus ideally what colours and styles they like. I don’t think the issue is he’s half-assing your gift, he’s going to a LOT of effort to buy you clothes against your will.

He’s actually going out of his way to buy you things you don’t like and have specifically told him not to get.  And you say you can’t be honest with him because he has a temper. Hmm. Is he trying to turn you into a trad-wife or something?

When you say he’s buying you business casual/a blouse and flats, it sounds like he’s trying to make you over into some you’re not. No wonder his presents feel hurtful: they’re not about you, they’re about him trying to force you to be someone else. 

It’s tough when you feel like your needs aren’t being heard, especially in a long-term relationship. How would you handle a situation where your partner constantly ignores your requests and preferences? Share your thoughts below!