My BF (24M) spoke about me (23F) to a friend in a language he thought I couldn’t understand. He then lost it at my “rudeness”.

A woman (23F) shares her distressing experiences with her boyfriend (24M), who has become increasingly critical and dismissive of her. In one incident, he complained about her in his native language, assuming she wouldn’t understand, and then berated her for being “rude” during the same gathering.

His behavior has left her feeling trapped and constantly at fault, with her emotional well-being deteriorating. Now, she’s questioning whether she can salvage the relationship or if it’s time to leave.

‘ My BF (24M) spoke about me (23F) to a friend in a language he thought I couldn’t understand. He then lost it at my “rudeness”.’

We’ve been together for 3 years. Lately he gets annoyed with me a lot, and doesn’t hide it at all. He can get downright unfriendly, and it makes me feel worse than it probably should. I come from a family that is very civil, we never yell or swear at each other. He has a tendency to swear a lot in general, and has now taken to swearing when angry or upset at me.

Anyway, quite frequently he’ll just be in a huff about something I did wrong and display his annoyance at how useless I am openly. It has happened multiple times that it was something I had nothing to do with at all in the first place, and when that happened he did not even apologize, but acted as though he was justified in talking to me in this way because it “usually” is my fault anyway.

Anyway, we live in his home country and I’ve been slow to learn the language, as I find myself surrounded by foreign students most of the day anyway (all our common friends are foreigners). An old friend of his came to visit, and stayed with us. I had never met said friend before, so I introduced myself.

Pretty much as soon as I had finished my BF switched to his native language and started complaining about me right in front of me. He was absolutely unaware that I understand more than enough of the language to know he was talking about how “useless I am” (his words). I was floored at how he could do such a thing right in my face, to someone I was meeting for the first time.

We were going to grill and have a couple of beers, and I was pretty quiet because I was hurt. I didn’t want to bring it up because we had a guest, and I thought I’d bring it up when we were alone. They were speaking in their language and I got bored, so I picked up my phone and checked my email.

When I went to the kitchen to grab another beer, the boyfriend followed me and confronted me with why on earth I would behave so badly and sit on my phone while we had a guest, that I was acting as though someone had died and how I was acting like a rude B-word. (also his words) He was very angry, and started shouting while I just felt trapped,

I couldn’t go anywhere, his friend was sitting one room over and here I was being berated while I was still hurting from the way he had acted. He pulled me to the bedroom and said that we were going to bed, that he didn’t want to be around me like this and that if I couldn’t behave there was no point in socializing. I did not want to go to bed at all, I was too upset.

Nor did I want to go out into the living room and be with his friend, but I couldn’t leave either. I can’t remember clearly how I got out of the situation, I was too stressed, I just remember that finally I managed to convince him to go back to his friend because there was absolutely NO way I was going to lie next to him in bed while he was in such a mood.

He was acting extremely cold, leaning away from touch and only talking to me to berate him. He went back to his friend once I said I’d come back later and I’d act “okay”. I took ten minutes to compose myself and went out and acted like everything was fine and smiled and basically pretended the whole evening.

This shook me, and I started to notice that a lot of the time he is quick to act like I’ve committed a deadly sin when I do something that I feel isn’t bad at all. Two days after this incident, he was smoking weed and I got tired (at 5 am), so I went to sleep while he didn’t want to.

The next day he did not talk to me in the morning, and then sometime in the afternoon when I asked why the f**k he wasn’t talking to me he said it was because I was selfish and only ever did what I wanted (because I went to bed). I guess my question is, how do I get out of this situation? How do I stand up for myself when I feel like he is being unfair? How do I change this dynamic, or should I just give up?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

teresajs −  Your relationship is abusive. Get out. Grab your essentials and get the hell out.

deilan −  Sounds like he should be an ex boyfriend. Why isn’t he?

gardeniagray −  He’s an a**hole. Break up with him. Do you have friends/family you could stay with and help you get out?

[Reddit User] −  First of all, you are being abused. Domestic abuse is not all about physical violence. If, as you say, this is common behavior from him, you need to get out. I interpret from your posts that he used to swear when he got angry, but not at you, and over time that gradually moved onto you. He called you a rude b**ch,

and talks s**t about you in front of his friends in a language you can’t understand. I understand from what you wrote, that this is an average day for you – not a once in a lifetime thing. He gets angry quickly, and your feelings are not valid so long as he is happy and getting what he wants. He thinks you are useless. Is that lazy useless, or stupid useless? Or both?

Neither is a good thing to call someone you love, unless you apologize later at least. This is pretty much class 101 for abuse tactics. You tear a person down by making them feel worthless. You trap them with you by teaching them that they can’t do any better and they deserve your wrath. It’s all downhill from there.

Don’t try to fix him. Don’t stand up for yourself. Get out. You said yourself that his behavior is getting worse, and it will continue to get worse. Someone who treats you with that much disrespect does not love you. He doesn’t care how you feel, he wants you to smile and put on a face for his company. You’re not a person, you are a decoration. A fashionable piece of clothing for him. And you need to get the hell out.

easypeasy9 −  If you are in Mexico, Hungary, Canada, Chile, Germany or Sweden, I have good friends and family who will help you in any possible way. If you need help in any of the languages spoken in these places, let me know and I can research resources for you. Take care, please keep us updated so we know you’re okay.

poffin −  He was very angry, and started shouting while I just felt trapped, I couldn’t go anywhere, his friend was sitting one room over and here I was being berated while I was still hurting from the way he had acted. I can’t remember clearly how I got out of the situation, I was too stressed,

I just remember that finally I managed to convince him to go back to his friend because there was absolutely NO way I was going to lie next to him in bed while he was in such a mood
This sounds like a scary situation, and it sounds like you didn’t feel safe. It sounds like the beginnings of an abusive relationship.

He openly insults you, and then gets upset with you for objecting. He isolates you, and gets irrationally angry when you assert your needs. When you argue with him, he tries to assert control physically (by cornering you in a room) and by telling you what to do (demanding you go to bed).

Many relationships are worth fixing. This one is unfixable. Move on. After 3 years, you may have forgotten what it’s like to be able to be yourself, and not have to walk on eggshells all the time.

[Reddit User] −  He’s controlling and manipulating you. Leave him now.

amsterdam_BTS −  What country are you in? If it’s NL, Lebanon, France, Yemen, or Syria (though God knows who you’d be in those last two places) I have friends/family there. They might be able to help.

Ethelfleda −  Get out…get out…get out. Seriously, get out before you get hurt physically.

ananomalie −  You’re being emotionally abused. I know becuause I was once in a very similar situation. Leave him. leave him leave him leave him. You deserve better.

What would you do if your partner repeatedly dismissed your feelings and criticized you unfairly? Is it possible to repair this dynamic, or is it time to prioritize your own well-being? Share your thoughts and advice below!