My best friend (30m) is asking me (32m) if I can get tested to donate my kidney to his sister (21f) and I don’t want to. How do I tell him?

A man is grappling with how to tell his best friend of 15 years that he doesn’t want to get tested as a kidney donor for the friend’s sister, despite being asked alongside others in a group text. While he deeply values his friendship, he has doubts about donating due to the sister’s history of being dismissive and disrespectful toward him.

He wants to decline respectfully without causing hurt or appearing unsupportive.

‘ My best friend (30m) is asking me (32m) if I can get tested to donate my kidney to his sister (21f) and I don’t want to. How do I tell him? ‘

I’ve known my best friend for 15 years now, and his sister just as long, but her kidneys have stopped properly functioning due to something she’s been dealing with since childhood. Not entirely sure what.

She is currently on dialysis, and has been for years, but now they are absolutely certain they need a donor, and my friend sent a group text to 4 of us saying they have 2 spots open for testing. Idk what to say. I love him, but I don’t really know his sister. She’s always been rude and off putting to me since I met her as child.

I’ve always assumed it was harmless, and just her being a kid, but it’s been 15 years, she’s in college now, and she still won’t greet me or acknowledge me when I randomly see her once a year. Ive never interacted with her or said anything rude to her in all these years, and have always been polite and respectful to everyone in her family,

so Ive attributed it to her possibly being a shy kid, but committing to being “shy kid” for so long, maybe she feels obligated to stick to it? Idk though, as she can still be sort of mean; I saw her last year as I was picking up her brother for an out of town trip, the last thing she said to me was “goodbye [to her brother]!

And goodbye, whatever-your-name-is!” but I’m still giving her the benefit of the doubt. My friend doesn’t know any of this, so I’m guessing she’s never spoken poorly of me to him. I love my friend, and I love his sister despite all that—the rest of his family has been nothing short of amazing to me—but I don’t want to give up a kidney for her.

In all honesty (shy or not) I feel like I’d be giving up my organ for a young kid that has intentionally disrespected, ignored, and avoided me for the last decade, and I know nothing about. It wouldn’t surprise me if she actually hated that it was me who donated, as she’s an adult now, and still chooses to treat me like a stranger.

I’ll always care deeply for her because she is my best friends sister, and I absolutely hold zero animosity toward a kid being a kid, but it’s a huge commitment to be giving my organ away when I have this many doubts that I am not completely comfortable with. How do I let him know while being sensitive to his situation?.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

trilliumsummer −  In the US you always have the option of going to get tested and when they take you back say something like “I don’t want to get tested nor donate, but I was getting pestered to get tested.” and all that will be said is that you’re not a match. It’s probably like this in many other places too.

W1ldy0uth −  Even if she wasn’t’ rude and you loved her just the same, no one has the right or agency to your organs. And it is completely fine for you to not want to. My friend needs a kidney and she never once asked any of her friends to get tested. Those that wanted to, did so on their own volition.

Icy-Doctor23 −  You don’t have to. You can go to get tested and tell them confidentially that you don’t wish to donate and the staff will not advise them of this

Ok_Bet2898 −  As someone who needs a kidney and is on dialysis, just say “ I’m sorry your sister is going through this but having an operation and giving my kidney is not something I want to do” be honest!

Also when you go through the tests the doctor will ask you if it’s what you really want to do and are you doing it willing, and if you even hesitate, they will reject you! It has to be done by a person who really wants to do it not just out of guilt or pressure.

Beneficial-Remove693 −  I’m sorry but this is a kidney, not blood or bone marrow or even cutting and donating long hair for a wig for a cancer patient. This is a MAJOR organ donation that involves a risky surgery, recovery time, and a lifetime of monitoring your health to keep your remaining kidney functioning.

This is not something you do for just anyone. If you were super close with his sister, that would be one thing. But you’re not. And you have family going through it right now. A person can live on dialysis for awhile. It sucks, but she’ll have to wait for the right donor.

Emotional_Wedge −  Tell them ok and when you go to the hospital…explain to them you DONT want to do this but there’s pressure and you don’t want to upset anyone. They will give you a negative match no questions asked.. No one can force you.

Secret_Double_9239 −  Say you will get tested then explain the situation to the doctors and they will say you weren’t a match.

Economy_Rutabaga9450 −  Life with one kidney can be really hard, especially as you get older. Kidney function reduces with age. And many meds/ family diseases such as diabetes, cancer, impact kidney function. Check out family medical history before you even consider testing.

ubottles65 −  “No.”

Ohmigoshness −  Just let them know, “I’m sorry but I cannot do this, incase my parents or siblings need one, but I can post things for you or help you find people” offer a solution at least like a small gesture of help and I’m sure you posting it online or sharing isn’t bad, it’ll help a lot.