My (51F) husband (forever 50M) died three years ago. How do I convince our children I do not want to ever move on?

A Reddit user shared a heartfelt post about her unwavering love for her late husband and her children’s encouragement to move on after his passing. Despite her children’s well-meaning intentions, she struggles to express that she has no desire to pursue another relationship and wants to honor her late husband’s memory. Read the original story below.

‘ My (51F) husband (forever 50M) died three years ago. How do I convince our children I do not want to ever move on?’

Shortly after my late husband celebrated his 50th birthday, he succumbed to his heart defect and passed away. He was born with a missing valve and we always knew there was a risk of an early d**th, but it hit me like a train regardless. He was and always will be my soulmate, and I wanted to grow old and senile together with him.

We have two wonderful children together, 20F and 18M. The kids were hit especially hard by my husband’s passing, especially our son who was very close with him. I have been there for them to the best of my ability, but it has been difficult when I spend each moment feeling like I have a hole in my being, as if I am missing the biggest and brightest part of me.

Our kids are my world. They have been my beacon of hope throughout this ordeal and I don’t know where I would be without them. They have noticed how utterly lost I have been since my husband’s passing, and have started to encourage me to rejoin the dating process.

I understand this comes from a place of care and worry, but they continue pushing even when I say I am not interested. My husband was truly my other half, I simply can’t imagine moving on and replacing him. He will live forever in my heart and I sincerely hope to see him again when I pass on. It is one of the only dreams I have left for the future.

When our children tell me it’s okay to move on, I can’t help but feel I would be disrespecting his memory and the thought of being with anyone else fills me with disgust. I truly have no desire to move on. I think I’ll spend the remainder of my life waiting to be reunited with my love. How do I convince our children I have no wishes to move on without being disrespectful to their concerns?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

WankSpanksoff −  Have you laid it out fully to them, simply and honestly, that you aren’t holding back from dating for any reason but simply feel no desire to? And aside from your children, do you have a network of fellow adults that you are connected to, and able to rely on for support and friendship? Their pushing it might just be out of concern of you becoming isolated

poolcue19 −  I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s beautiful that you and your husband had that kind and depth of relationship. I come from a different place. I have been separated for 8 years, have no need to get divorced and no desire to date again. ( if I did I’d get divorced.) my youngest would like me to start dating again. I have no interest.

However I have gone back to school (one class at a time) to take up a new interest and have been focusing more on getting things done that have slipped to the wayside in the last 25 years. I’m trying to pay more attention to friendships. Maybe look at taking up some interests. You are not disrespecting your kids concerns, you see a different way forward then they do.

Plus-Implement −  As an adult child that saw my mom go through a divorce (not a d**th). The concept I think remains the same. I was seeing my mom be alone, watching TV, just alone…….I also knew that I would be moving out in a few years and the thought of leaving her alone like that was horrible.

That’s what your kids are really addressing I suspect. It’s more about seeing you have friends, hobbies, travel, have fun plans with your friends, they want to see you happy. It will give them peace and freedom to start on their own life journeys to know that you are okay when they leave.

Go ahead mourn, 100% agree that you should not find a partner if you don’t want one but are you making efforts to live your life LARGE and happy while you are still able to? Or are you in a deep depression? That impacts your kids. It did me. I was so glad when mom finally started living again and being happy, it set me free and it made me so happy to see her like that again.

Jen5872 −  If you don’t want to date, you don’t have to. You can fill your time to prevent yourself from feeling so alone. Hobbies, volunteering, friends can all help and If your kids see you living a busy life, they might back off on you dating. If you haven’t had any grief counseling, you can still benefit from it.

ExactPhilosopher2666 −  Your kids don’t want you to “replace” their father. But at 18 and 20, they are thinking about their futures. They need to know you will be OK as they move on and become independent. It upsets them to think you will be lonely and depressed.

I would suggest you make an effort to create an active social life without dating. Seek out activities where you can meet people and connect. Try to make new friends and keep busy. If your kids can see that you can find happiness out there, they won’t be so focused on you dating.

SaionjisGrowthSpurt −  Hey, daughter of a man with an untimely passing at 56, two years ago, and a woman deeply struck by grief on his passing here. I’m as deeply sorry for your loss as I am for my mother’s. I know grief is different for everyone, and it never leaves you, but moving on is not the same as getting over grief.

I feel sad when I read you say dying and reuniting with him is **one of the only things you dream of**. It doesn’t sound like you’re in a good place with your grief. This is a very hard moment for a person, it’s being forcibly broken up with your other half, abruptly and with no hope of ever going back.

But just like this, you’re left to find yourself alone, and as beautifully as you’ve put it, you’re not seeing yourself as anything else beside a widow. Love like that is irreplaceable but you have always been much more than your husband’s wife. You were a whole woman with likes and opinions he fell in love with.

And you’re still all that, and still have life to make experiences out of. Counseling is not about discussing your past with him, it’s about discussing your present and future with yourself,

and it will help you find someone you’ll spend your whole life with, someone you’ll be giving love to every day: you.
Forgive me if I’ve misinterpeted, this is Reddit after all and your post is but the tiniest window for us commenters to look into your situation.

SnowEnvironmental861 −  I think I’ll spend the remainder of my life waiting to be reunited with my love. OP, this is the part that concerns me. I think your kids are terribly anxious that you are not having a life anymore, just waiting until you can be reunited with your husband.

They’ve lost their dad, and they are worried about you drifting away. They are also probably terrified of moving on with their own lives if you are sitting at home, isolated. For your kids’sake, you need to get out and get involved with other people, so they can feel you are safe and busy without them.

You DO NOT need to date. But, for example, you could join a walking group, or a quilting circle, or take a class … something to get you out and meeting people. It will really relieve your kids’ anxiety.

SnooWords4839 −  Don’t start the dating process but join some groups for activities. Please get some therapy, your kids are worried about you.
It’s acceptable to choose not to marry or date again. However, it’s important to recognize that your husband would have wanted you to live a fulfilling life without him, discovering your own path to happiness.

camlaw63 −  I’m sorry for your loss. I think you can choose not to date, however I think the real issue is “Our kids are my world” that’s an awful large burden for them to carry. They may be thinking that you need to start living a life apart from them.

(So dating makes sense) Tell them you’re not interested in dating, but that you’ll explore hobbies, school, activities—just something to take your focus off them. I also highly recommend grief counseling, it seems you may benefit from it

[Reddit User] −  Terri Irwin said the same thing about her husband Steve, when he died. She simply was uninterested in any other man because Steve was the love of her life. Maybe your children will understand if you frame it with The Crocodile Hunter.

Having said that, if you choose to life the rest of your life solo-in-waiting, you need to show your children that you are content living your life solo. Our responsibilities as mothers change as our children mature. Yours need to see you continuing to LIVE.