My (49-f) husband (54-m) has been neglecting our daughters ever since our son was born
A mother of six reveals a heartbreaking family issue: her husband, once a loving father to their daughters, has been neglecting them ever since their youngest child — a son — was born. The emotional toll on their daughters, especially their 17-year-old, has become too obvious to ignore. Despite raising her concerns, her husband dismisses them as teenage emotions. Now, she’s seeking advice on how to handle this growing divide in their family. Read the full story below.
‘ My (49-f) husband (54-m) has been neglecting our daughters ever since our son was born’
When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying “if our first child is a boy, we’re done having children because that’s all I need”. My husband was a very good basketball player in high school and college and so I understood why he would have preferred a son.
We now have 5 daughters and 1 son (I know) and the only reason I had more than 3 kids was because he could very easily financially afford it just by his income alone, and during the time that we were starting our new family it seemed like he made an active effort to be the most supportive, perfect and loving husband.
Our daughters are between the ages of 20 and 9 with our son being the youngest at 6. I noticed pretty much immediately after our son was born that my husband started to almost act like our daughters barely existed. His effort of being the supportive, engaged and active father/husband shifted from our daughters and went 100% to our son, and now I know for a fact that our daughters also noticed it.
Our 17-year-old daughter had a conversation with me in private in which she got emotional and told me how my husband has “treated her like a stranger” ever since our son was born, “never asks about her”, and she feels “abandoned”. Apparently our other daughters feel the same way have been talking about it with each other.
I guess I might have been in denial because a part of me honestly thought my husband had just become very engaged for our son especially (early child basketball etc) but now I realize it’s affecting all of our daughters in a very negative way.
I mentioned what our daughter had told me to my husband and he blew it off as her being an “emotional teenager”. This is a situation I don’t even know how to begin to get a handle on, does anyone know where I should even start?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Jen5872 − Well you also noticed his favoritism. Is he going to call you an emotional teenager as well? Ask him a series of general questions about your daughters that he should know. If he comes up blank then he should realize that there is merit to their observations. Unless he is in complete denial he should agree that family therapy should be in order.
Huntress145 − You need to sit down and have an actual, serious conversation about this, not “just mentioning” it. And don’t sugar coat the hard truths. If he refuses to change his behaviour with the girls then it’s time to reconsider your marriage. The emotional damage he is inflicting on all the kids, including your son is unacceptable.. Stand up for your kids.
[Reddit User] − When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying “if our first child is a boy, we’re done having children because that’s all I need”. I don’t know how this didn’t set off alarm sirens in your head. We now have 5 daughters and 1 son (I know). My eyes rolled into the back of my head.
Seems like you should just be honest that their dad was only wanting a male kid to relive his “glory days” vicariously through and doesn’t actually love any of them, but that’s not a statement on their own worth, they don’t need such a pathetic man’s love in order to be validated.
Forsaken-Bag-8780 − So your husband is a classic misogynist that thinks women have no value beyond breeding and you’re showing your daughters that this is acceptable treatment by staying. Do whats right for your kids, not him.
ConfusedAt63 − When your daughters get married and don’t ask him to walk them down the aisle, you will be able to remind him why. My guess would be that you too have suffered some loss of your husband’s time. Maybe you will get lucky and your son won’t excel at, or enjoy, sports and is more of an academic!
cynical-puppy26 − Watch your son end up being a ballerina or some s**t. Girls can play basketball too? I genuinely hate your husband.
[Reddit User] − Way to be an a**hole to your daughters. You knew exactly who he was when you married him and decided to have a small brood with him anyways. I feel bad for the girls.
pastorCharliemaigne − Um…girls play basketball, too??? This was just misogyny the whole time. He could have been just as involved in their lives through their hobbies, including introducing them to basketball. But he can’t identify with anyone who doesn’t have the same genitals, and you considered that normal and fine.
It’s time to decide. Do you empower your girls? Do you rescue all of your children from his patriarchal b**lshit? Or do you wait for them to have to heal from their childhood when they’re adults? You can’t change your husband. You can leave him. You can change yourself. You may be able to change yourself enough to protect them a bit, even if you stay with him? Maybe?
I’m not sure where you start when you’ve let something like this go on for 20 years. When you’re first understanding at 49 years old that patriarchal ideas are hurting you and your children. Maybe reading Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle? Maybe a licensed family therapist or social worker can help?
But…don’t expect your husband to come along on this journey. He is highly unlikely to come around and see either you or your daughters as fully-realized humans who deserve his attention and love. Your best shot is to start making changes yourself.
trilliumsummer − Well unfortunately you should have started with not having a child with a misogynistic a**hole. And failing that you shouldn’t have agreed to keep having kids until he had his boy. You KNEW he was going to not give a s**t about his daughters.
The first place to start is to own your part in this. You knew all he wanted was a boy. You continued to bring girls into the world knowing he didn’t want them. Then you offer your girls therapy. Make sure to acknowledge not dismiss their feelings. Don’t try to downplay what their s**tty excuse for a father is doing.
Also make sure that they’re being financially supported including things like college. Don’t let s**tty father fail them in that aspect. Hell if you must get a job and funnel all that money to them.
Don’t forget to make sure you’re there for them. Show up for their events. Even if it means skipping some of your sons things. Make sure at least one of their parents is there for them.
In your shoes I would be putting my ducks in a row for leaving my s**tty misogynist husband too. Your daughters will more than likely pull away from you hard when they become adults if you’re still with their sperm donor. Especially the more they see you enabling his n**lect.
Your husband told you who he was and you chose to have kids with him anyways. Own your s**tty choice in a father for your kids. Own your denial over years. He was a bad dad before you had a son – you just dismissed it because you stupidly thought that’s the best he could do even though he told you he only wanted boys. Seriously get those poor girls in therapy. They need it.
lanky_worm − Oh boy. I was your eldest daughter once and I was 17. Same thing happened almost verbatim to me… Dad doesn’t know my 2 kids now either and I’m looking at 40 soon. My youngest is 8 too. I grew up and away
When a parent’s love and attention aren’t equally shared, the emotional scars can last a lifetime. How would you handle this situation? Is this a case of misguided priorities, or something deeper? Share your thoughts below — your advice could make a difference.