My (42F) partner (47M) is really trying to better themselves with hygiene and cleanliness and I feel really guilty about being frustrated

A 42-year-old woman is navigating a relationship with her 47-year-old partner, who struggles with hygiene and cleanliness. Although he’s made significant improvements since they began dating, she still finds herself frustrated with his habits.

She’s conflicted between wanting to support his self-improvement and feeling like she’s becoming a “hygiene police.” After a heartfelt conversation, her partner acknowledged her concerns but became visibly upset, worried she might leave him. Now, she’s questioning how long she should remain patient and whether their differing standards are ultimately compatible. Read the full story below.

‘ My (42F) partner (47M) is really trying to better themselves with hygiene and cleanliness and I feel really guilty about being frustrated’

I (42F) really like my partner 47(M). They are so sweet and romantic, completely madly in love with me and treat me like a princess. They are a bit of an oddball (maybe on the spectrum) which I like about them. They are very creative and nerdy about their passions (movies and music).

For example, one way they express their feelings is by creating compilations for me of songs that have words or evoke feelings they want to share, but also are stylistically things they think I would enjoy (and they are very often right).

I love being with this partner, they are a unique and amazing human being and I’m so lucky I get to share my love with them. At the start of our relationship, I noticed some issues with their level of hygiene and cleanliness at home. They were very receptive and made efforts to work on those things.

Now, this weekend I went over to their place (which I’ve been doing since we started dating this summer) and stayed there 4 days (usually I stay 2 days). Their place is tidy (things are put away), but it is dirty (layers of dust, grimy floors, crumbs or rings of drinks on the table).

This weekend they walked in the house with their boots on and got snow, mud and salt all over the floors and didn’t clean it up. I think they don’t mind walking around and getting their socks wet and dirty, but I don’t like that.

In terms of hygiene, they have made big improvements since we started dating (showering before we meet, putting on clean clothes, wiping their moustache, cutting hand and toe nails, washing their hands and nails) but they still struggle with brushing their teeth.

They will stick their tooth brush in their mouth for 10 seconds tops and leave their soapy tooth brush on the counter without rinsing it properly making white stains everywhere, and the toothpaste dries and cakes onto their toothbrush.

We had instances when we started dating where they were not so clean in their genital area. After the moment, we did talk about how important it is to be clean for each other and since then it has been better. But it’s still a bit of an issue, and I feel like I have to be vigilant or “on top of it” and I don’t like that feeling, or being put in that position.

This weekend, referring to their teeth brushing, I told them I didn’t feel like I should have to say this to a 47 y.o. man. I want them to know why I’m frustrated, that’s why I communicated about this with them and they really are good at listening and taking constructive criticism.

They really try their best to make improvements and really care about making me feel comfortable and safe. I just don’t like that I feel like I’m trying to change them. I want to accept them as they are, but I told them that, as they are now, is not compatible with my level of comfort and expectations of cleanliness with a partner. Also, that they shouldn’t be doing these things “for me” but for themselves.

I think they have issues with self love and self respect and that’s why have neglected themselves and their space for so long. I also think they might not have learned to do these things properly when they were younger.

And possibly that being on the spectrum makes them oblivious to things that some would find physically uncomfortable (like having dirty wet socks on), or details they would find off-putting (like not seeing layers of grime and dirt accumulated on doors and shelves) (is that a thing for people on the spectrum??).

When we talked, I tried to be non judgmental, but I feel I could have done a better job of it. I feel so bad. I told them I felt conflicted, because it shouldn’t be my job to have to tell them these things. Anyone else, and I would have broken up with them or stopped coming to their place. That it makes me question and doubt whether it is safe/clean enough for me to be intimate with them.

They listened but were really upset, tearing up. I think they are just really scared I will leave them. They said my points were valid and they want to work on these things. But also that they haven’t “done nothing” and have been trying really hard, and things are way better than before.

Although they are right about that, these excuses kind of irked me. I’m just worried that things will slip back towards a level of cleanliness I’m not comfortable with and that I have to keep reminding them of the importance of this. Or that it’s just not good enough.

For example, they brushed their teeth after our conversation, and rinsed off the brush part of their tooth brush but still left foam all over the handle. It just still feels not sanitary. And I don’t want to have to police the level of cleanliness of everything they do! It feels like I’m being nit-picky. Which I don’t want to do. I don’t want to have to deal with this at all, with anyone I’m dating. It just feels like too much.

How do I balance being patient and supportive as someone works on themselves to develop healthy routines and care for themselves, and standing up for my needs in a relationship? At what point is it ok to say to myself, well, they just have a different standard than me, and that’s ok?

Tl;dr! I voiced my needs about hygiene and cleanliness to my partner but I feel really guilty about it cause they are trying really hard. I just doesn’t seem to be good enough. I don’t know how long to be patient and supportive.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Ethereal_Moon91 −  Girl get a grip. He’s 47. Big age to not be able to brush your teeth or wipe your ass. There are 6 years old that do it. Why can’t someone at 47 do it?!?

AnguaVU −  He’s 47 he’s not going to change. I can’t imagine being s**ually or emotionally attracted to someone I had to monitor and remind to clean both their teeth and their generals.

UnquantifiableLife −  This is the third post in 3 days about a man who can’t wipe his damn ass.. The bar for men is in hell. You’re not his mother. I’m shocked you have stuck it out this long.

inductiononN −  Where are these men coming from? How is this a recurring topic?! Ma’am, no. You shouldn’t feel guilty. You should be incredulous at how bad his hygiene is. You will have to keep having this conversation. You’re going to keep being surprised by dirty balls, foamy toothbrushes, and salty wet floors. You will think that he finally gets it after the last conversation and then you’ll get a whiff of unwashed genitals at the worst time.

If he had a rough upbringing and struggles with self love to the extent that he is unhygienic, the man is not ready to date. He’s not a suitable partner. He may never be a suitable partner.

Imagine your partner brings up a hygiene concern to you. I’ll bet you would take it seriously and be hyper vigilant about it. Mr. Toothbrush foam is not hyper vigilant about anything it seems. Honestly, it seems better to not date a man who is filthy but that’s just my opinion.

DiveCat −  You are right: you should not have to say this to a 47-year old man. Which is why you don’t. By not dating someone like this. I am only slightly older than you and just cannot comprehend why you are doing this to yourself. You are old enough to know better. And old enough to not give a damn about men who can’t f**king brush their teeth and wipe their ass.

How can you even be intimate with someone like this, and I don’t even mean just physically. I’d also have a hard time being emotionally intimate with a man who has this level of hygiene and needs to be *mothered* to take care of himself. Gross. Seriously some of these posts at times. If they are real, I am horrified at what crumbs too many women are settling for, while thinking they can make a cake out of it.

elvenrevolutionary −  Jesus i am so happy I’m single. What the f**k.

flame_princess_diana −  How about we go into 2025 not having to teach grown adults how to keep their body and house semi-hygienic.

chromatoes −  You shouldn’t have to raise an adult who is close to the age of having grandchildren. I’d be drier than D**th Valley if I had to *baby* a partner like this. This is mom work, he’s not 8 years old, and you can’t fix an almost 50 year old man. He’s not incapable, he’s just *f**king lazy*, darlin.

Real talk, do you think this man is the best you can do? I think being single with having a good vibrator and great friends would be time much better spent than this. Or just keeping him as a friend and not a romantic partner. If you live with this man, you’ll become a housekeeper bangmaid. It’s not going to get better at his age.

ruta_skadi −  I don’t understand how you could possibly be s**ually and romantically interested in a man who has made it to 47 without the barest minimum of adult life skills. There is no reason to be worrying about trying to change him or making him feel bad when he’s they one not meeting the absolute minimum expectations. He should have learned basic personal hygiene decades ago.

MossValley −  “It feels like too much”. Trust your feelings. Imo it is too much and it’s unlikely a 47 year old will change that much. I stayed in a relationship with someone with untreated ADHD for 4 years. I tried so desperately to help (I’m a therapist). I didn’t help and it very literally impacted my physical and mental health.

You cannot fix your partner. You can have a slight influence but this issue seems really big and I think parent/child dynamic will eventually destroy the relationship. You need to hold out for an equal partner and not a project. If he wanted to get a coach or life skills support person or something then maybe I would reconsider but you can’t be reparenting him..

Supporting a partner’s growth can be a delicate balance, especially when personal standards clash. How do you set healthy boundaries without making them feel inadequate? Have you ever struggled with differing hygiene or cleanliness expectations in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!