My [41M] family [71F, 42F, 40F] are trying to shame me into giving them money, after years of alienation

A 41-year-old man, estranged from his family due to years of mistreatment, now faces a moral dilemma. His family, who alienated him for decades and never accepted his wife, is pleading for financial help after losing money on a failed business venture. Despite their history of cruelty and neglect, they expect him to save their home. He’s torn between extending mercy and standing his ground. Read the full story below for all the details.

‘ My [41M] family [71F, 42F, 40F] are trying to shame me into giving them money, after years of alienation’

Thanks up front users for reading my long-winded background. I’ve always been kind of the goat with my family, and by that I don’t mean “greatest of all time.” I mean my family always kind of looked down on me and held me to unreasonable expectations. I think it’s because other than my dad, I was the only male in the house. I didn’t get any special consideration for being the youngest (not that I’d want any), and anyway that was rendered irrelevant once my youngest sister was born.

She was sort of the golden child throughout our childhoods, but my oldest sister also had special pride of place for being the oldest kid. I was the middle kid and even though I’m male I got hand-me-downs from my sister as long as the clothes weren’t too effemimate. As an adult I can see how that’s practical and moneysaving, but as a child it was embarrassing and also hurtful to see your sisters constantly get new clothes and new bikes, while I had to wear girls’ clothes and ride hand-me-down girl bikes. Interestingly my younger sister never had to wear hand-me-downs from my older sister.

My mom and sisters pretty much had an easy life while my dad was alive because they just rode him all day long and henpecked him until he died fifteen years ago from a heart attack. He was only 58. Growing up sometimes my dad tried to do special guy things with me but my mom shamed him into stopping it.

I just don’t get it, why my mom was always so cynical and negative toward me. My hair was always too long or ugly, I was too skinny, then when I started working out in high school suddenly I was too muscular, then I was too tanned, then too pale, my grades weren’t good enough, then once I got into a good school for college, it wasn’t “that good.” When I earned my degree in business, I was a “wannabe businessman fast food employee,” when I got into graduate school for an MBA, it was a “stupid idea,” (not like I asked anyone to help me pay for it), etc. Why do you dress like that? You look dumb. Why don’t you own a house? Your car is old. No one will respect you.. You know how that goes.

I worked and earned my own pocket money starting at age fifteen with a job at a fast food restaurant, so that’s why they all picked on me for working fast food. Eventually I became assistant manager of the restaurant at age twenty one, when I was almost done with college.
My sisters would often mock me for working in fast food, and my mom would too. It wasn’t gentle ribbing or teasing, in a loving way. No. It was spiteful insults, trying to hurt my feelings and make me feel small. Speaking of feel small, I’m really tall (6’5″) and they also made fun of me for never trying out or being good at basketball or caring about any other sports.

When my dad died he left everything to my mom, which is to be expected, including the house. He left me and each of my siblings ten thousand dollars just as some extra money, on the assumption that my mom would leave the kids everything equally upon her own death many years later. I already knew back then that my mom wouldn’t leave me much, if anything, compared to my sisters. My sisters continued to live at home, but once I graduated college I moved across town to my own apartment. They weren’t sad to see me go. I’ve been living on my own ever since. It’s been going on almost twenty years now.

I grew up in a rather large house (this was Kansas, where it was possible for a normal dude like my father to own a big home), so when my sisters got married, their husbands moved in, too. Their husbands are both college educated guys but I could tell they enjoyed the idea of not having to pay for their own house or any rent.

My dad had built a small guest house behind the home which he always told me would be mine when I grew up, but after he died I could tell my mom had the place earmarked for her daughter and future son in law. My older sister and husband stayed in my former room in the big house.

Well, whatever, right. I had my own thing going. These days I’m regional manager of a mid-sized restaurant chain (not fast food, but close haha) and although I’m not rich, I live quite comfortably. I could afford to put a downpayment on a house but I like the easy freedom of having an apartment. At thirty, I married my long-time girlfriend, who my mother and sisters always hated because she was Jewish and also eight years older than me. “Your girlfriend is too old! She will never have a baby!”

Well, none of them came to my wedding even though they were invited. We actually conceived a baby but my wife miscarried. My mom and sisters found out about it and rather than express any condolences at a woman who just lost a child, my mom and sisters treated me to unsolicted “I told you so” and didn’t send my wife so much as a card.

I love my wife, and since we don’t have kids, we have French bulldogs. We live in a big bungalow apartment with a yard for them, so whatever. My family mocks me for that, too. Like I’m not a man, because I don’t have kids. It’s not like I accuse my sisters’ husbands of not being men because they live in their mother in law’s house. Everyone does their own thing.

My wife’s family is somewhat successful in the furniture business and they’re a lot nicer to me than my own family. My mother and father in law offered to buy me a new car (I drive a 2000 Honda Accord which is still in mint shape) just this year but I said no thanks, and they seemed to be impressed that I didn’t accept gifts. Well, after all that background, finally my point.

It seems my sisters and their husbands have had all sorts of business schemes and tried to open their own yoga studio, because I guess my sisters are into that stuff. Sort of the whole “Gee, I like coming to yoga class, so naturally I understand business economics and should open my own yoga studio!”

Personally I thought that the kind of boutique, expensive yoga studio they had in mind was more of a Manhattan or Beverly Hills thing and not a small town thing, but whatever it was none of my business, they never asked my advice, so I never said anything. Plus my sisters’ husbands both fancied themselves business savvy (one of them sells insurance, the other works as a new accounts person at a bank) so it’s not like my counsel was ever needed.

Of course they failed, and spectacularly so, and my mom foolishly put her house up as collatoral for the business. I’ll admit that in a petty way I felt a bit of schadenfreude but overall I was upset especially because both of my sisters have small children (there are nine people living in my old house now). Now the bank is threatening to take over their house if they don’t come up with a certain sum of money. It’s a lot of money, but money that I happen to have, and they know it.

They all approached me with appeals (by phone message and TEXT–they’ve always known where I live but have NEVER once come to visit me) to how I should be a good brother and son and how “this is what my father would have wanted” and all that. Neither of my sisters’ husbands have said a word to me about it and I doubt I’ll see one penny of my money back if I “loaned” it to them.

My mom especially has been laying it on thick about how she’s an old woman and will be cast out of her “familial home” and all that. She’s even gone so far as to hint that my “rich Jewish wife’s family” can pony up the dough. I haven’t yet returned any of their calls or texts yet.

I’m still thinking about how they all always have a big Christmas party every year and never invite me or my wife, partly because they don’t like me, and partly because they don’t like the “Jew.” I know that if I confronted them about it they’d say “you’re family, you don’t need to be invited, just show up,” but I know DAMN WELL they don’t want me there. My wife says it’s up to me whether I want to help or not, but she also says that there is power in mercy.

I don’t know, though. I think she’s bigger than me in that way. I’m looking for some outside perspectives on what to do here.. Thanks for any advice TL;DR: my family has always been mean to me. Now they need money and want mine. What to do?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  don’t help them. whatever you do, just don’t. imagine actually helping them? they’re going to continue using you because they know you’d be easy to fool. don’t let them guilt trip you. the fact that they’re using your fathers death saying “he would’ve wanted this” is SO messed up.

the things your mother and sister have said are horrible and the fact that they didn’t come to your wedding or said much about your wife losing a child, shows how awful they are. they don’t deserve your kindness or money. I honestly think you should text them, “hey try working at a fast food place” and ignore them.

jennszu −  You and your wife are kind, decent people. To even be considering this bail-out is a kindness that your “family” does not deserve. Please don’t give them a dime. There are 5 grown adults living in that house. They are the ones who blew a secure future on a whim. They’ve done nothing but treat you with disrespect and contempt for your entire life. Giving them your money will not stop that. Coming to their rescue won’t make them see you in a different light. They’re horrible people.

GreekGoddessII −  Ignore their pleas for money. They have no use for you except as a means to continue the life they have always led…without you. Your wife is a goodhearted person but all your would get would be insults and more begging.

[Reddit User] −  Nope. Not even comforting you/your wife after a miscarriage? Never inviting you to family gatherings? Making antisemitic comments about your wife? That’s not family, and you don’t need to give them a dime.

BlackRogue9 −  Ask yourself: “If i was in trouble with money, would they help me?” If the answer is no then you know what to do.

kait_1291 −  Give them NOTHING, OP. They have neither earned it, like you have, nor have they been the best family members to you. I am (also) the s**pegoat in my family, and was treated almost identical to how you were growing up. I’m getting a degree in Engineering and my Gold Child brother works in a casino dealing cards, but my mom has made it VERY clear that she loves my brother more than she ever could love me.

They disrespected you your whole life, ridiculed all of your amazing achievements, never accepted your wife and had you started a family (I am so sorry for your loss, OP) they probably would have shunned that child too. Is this really “what your father would have wanted”? His only son made to feel horrible about himself, and his personal choices (from what college he went to, to who he chose to love), and at the mercy of 3 vindictive women?

From what I know about your dad (who seemed to love you, even if your mom pushed him around) from what you put here, the answer would be NO. They did this to themselves, you are already not part of the family(they’ve made that VERY CLEAR), and thus, this is not your problem. Tell them to kick rocks. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Good luck, OP, stay strong. You are an valuable, amazing human being, who did amazingly well for yourself and your adorable little family unit, despite your rotten Family Of Origin’s bad influence and discouragement.

Nearly_Pointless −  It would seem that there are 5 income earners in that house sharing the expenses. If they cannot come up with a plan to keep the house with 5 incomes, they certainly will be unable to reimburse you. If they are expecting a gift, that is patently ridiculous as they have 5 income earners in that house. I understand your egg donor is 71 but I also know that almost every McDonalds restaurant is looking for daytime help.

imtchogirl −  Their treatment of you is awful. I hope you see that. I hope you’re able to get counseling to grieve the loss of your dad, and of being so ignored as a child. You deserve time and space to get support for your family rejecting you. Your resentment is clouding this issue. You’re looking at this like you finally have power over them to either give or withhold love- in the form of money- that you didn’t receive. You are imagining that they need you and you can save them.

Perhaps that they will even be grateful and invite you in to the Christmas party and to the love they share between themselves and to the family home. Well, no. No amount of money will buy affection. These family patterns are too deep. You resent their closeness and they in turn resent your success and independence.

So try to separate. Would you give the money to support your mother in retirement? Would you gift it with no reciprocation? Would you buy the house outright and ask for rent? Would you evict if they never paid? Would you have invested in the yoga business? Why invest now, when they’ve put everything in what you knew to be a losing investment?

Consider why they’re in this situation. Why is a household with 5 earners and no mortgage in dire straits? Haven’t the husbands been saving for years? If they love the living situation so much, why don’t they pitch in? What other options are available?

Keep in mind that begging to you via text and calls costs nothing. They got everything they wanted from your dad with similar tactics. Begging, if you have no pride, costs nothing. It is cheaper and easier than taking out a HELOC, pooling all resources, getting a job, or dipping into savings. So to you, it seems like the last thing before the bank repos the house. But maybe not! You don’t know. And you’re considering giving your money emotionally without being in a position to explore all other options. That’s their work. But don’t let guilt drive the decision without knowing all the facts.

bananapeel82 −  This would be a no from me. Firstly because they are horrible and have thrown away every chance to have a relationship with you ran your wife. Secondly because it is almost always a bad idea to lend family/ friends money. It will not end with a happy family and regular holiday get togethers. Finally because there are four adults who could have been out there working (possibly even for a fast food company…) to pay for the home they enjoy the benefit of. If they can’t work, they can’t have nice things.

spiffsome −  Dude, your family HATES you. I’m sorry, but they do. They’ve been showing you this all your life. Even now, when they’re staring disaster in the face, they can’t even pretend to be nice to you long enough to get the money. “Rich Jew family” – that’s horrible. Really horrible, and they’re saying it to the people who have the money that’s meant to save them? No. Unless you want to reward them for a lifetime of h**red, and guarantee that they’ll keep hating you forever, DON’T DO IT.

ETA: Sorry, I’ve just read the bit where your wife lost a child and they’re still horrible. DO NOT give money to these people. How would your wife feel, if you gave cash to the people who’ve been shitting on her your entire marriage? She’d decide that their opinion was obviously more important than hers, and she’d have cold hard evidence to support that. You’re in a marriage. You’re meant to be on a team with your wife, not with the people who have tried to destroy you for your entire life. If not for yourself, stay strong for her sake.