My (39f) partner (45m) keeps mentioning things about my appearance but when confronted claims to not care….am I taking this the wrong way?
A Reddit user (39F) shared concerns about her partner (45M) making negative remarks about her appearance over the years. He often comments on her clothing, hairstyle, and even her glasses, which has started to affect her confidence.
While he claims not to care about her looks and insists he finds her fine as she is, she feels hurt and dismissed. She’s unsure if she’s being overly sensitive or if this is an issue she should address more seriously.
‘ My (39f) partner (45m) keeps mentioning things about my appearance but when confronted claims to not care….am I taking this the wrong way?’
My partner (45M) and I (39F) have been together for 7 years, and over time, I’ve noticed some things that have started to bother me. One of the biggest issues is his tendency to make remarks about my appearance.
Now, I know I can be a bit insecure, but I’ve never been the type to expect constant praise or compliments. What bothers me is that he’s never really been my “hype man.” He’s never been overly supportive or encouraging about how I look, and while that’s fine to an extent, what gets to me are the negative comments he often makes.
He’s someone who notices looks—both positive and negative—and it’s not just limited to me. He’ll comment on the appearance of both men and women around us, often in an observational way. But it feels different when he’s making comments about me.
I’ve heard him say things like “I see you’re wearing those comfortable shoes” or make fun of my jeans by calling them “mom jeans,” even though they aren’t. He’s mentioned that my ponytail doesn’t suit me and made several jokes about my glasses. One time, he even referred to my previous pair as “grandma glasses.”
At first, I’d argue with him, defending my choices like “these are not mom jeans, what are you talking about?” or I’d just get rid of whatever he didn’t like and try to find something else that would appeal to him more. Recently, I decided to take a different approach.
I asked him to show me some pictures of glasses he likes because I genuinely want to look good for him, and I’m not sure what styles he prefers. His response was flat-out refusal. He said it doesn’t matter what he likes, he thinks I look “fine” the way I am, and if I really want new glasses, we can go shopping together, but he doesn’t care.
While I’m sure he’s trying to be nice, I can’t help but feel like his indifference actually means he doesn’t think I’ll ever be truly attractive to him, so my appearance doesn’t matter. When I shared these feelings with him, he didn’t argue or protest. He just stayed quiet.
Am I overreacting? Maybe I’m being too sensitive, but I can’t shake the feeling that his dismissive attitude toward my appearance is starting to hurt my confidence. I want to know if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should be, or if this is something I should address more seriously.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
thedarkestbeer − He doesn’t want you to look different. He wants you to feel bad about how you look. He’s not telling you what he’ll like because the point is for you to feel off-balance, wondering if he’ll like how you look. He’s getting something out of this. If this didn’t change, would you want another seven years of this?
Froggiebuns − He’s negging you and getting a kick out of doing it. He is doing something very objectively wrong, and if he won’t listen when you complain about this behavior well..😬. You deserve to be with someone who finds you beautiful and you deserve to feel beautiful. As a partner he is failing and depriving you of something necessary!
floridorito − He criticizes the things he doesn’t like about you (of which there are dozens evidently), but has nothing good to say. Why are you with this person? It doesn’t sound like he likes you, and you deserve to be with someone who genuinely likes you.
JennieGee − This man is actively chipping away at your self-esteem; this is why you’re feeling insecure.
spicewoman − or I’ll just get rid of the item and try to figure out something else that he’ll like better. Look at yourself and what you’re doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and he won’t tell you what he “likes” because then that would become something he can’t put you down about.
Reminds me of a story I read on here about someone whose husband would always find something to nitpick about her house cleaning every night when he got home from work. There’s a dish in the sink, a wrinkle in the rug, I don’t like how you did X or Y.
So one day she went *wild* with making everything spotless, adjusting everything to be *just* the way he’d said he wanted. She thought he would be *so* happy. At last, he would *finally* be happy.
He got home, and went from room to room, but strangely, he didn’t seem to be getting happier at seeing all the cleaning she did… instead, he seemed to be getting angrier and *angrier* as he couldn’t find a single thing to criticize. And then, he finally just… made something up. And yelled at her anyway.
And that was the moment she realized: it was never about the house at all. It was about him *enjoying* being mad and yelling at her. Your boyfriend knows it makes you feel bad when he criticizes you. It’s not an unfortunate side-effect, it’s the whole *point.*
ProtozoaPatriot − It isn’t about the specific glasses or shoes. It’s about him making you feel bad and less confident. A less confident partner may not leave him as easily. A less confident partner won’t stand to him. Google “negging” because it’s similar to what he’s doing.
It’s a power play: he feels a little better about himself because he knows how to control how you feel about yourself. When confronted, he can’t admit to what he’s actually doing so he uses different crazy-making claims. It’s a “joke” (that isn’t funny). It’s “no big deal’.
Or even that you’re the one who is wrong for getting all upset over “nothing”. You’re “too sensitive”. Meanwhile, he won’t give you compliments about what he does like. He will not change. This is toxic to be around.
You’re already going out of your way to try to guess what he does like & change your appearance accordingly. He’s programming you to think you’re not good enough. Considering that it’s been 7 years of this, I’m guessing you’re not open to leaving him.
If you’re going to stay, you must learn to enforce your boundaries regarding these underhanded insults. One good book on boundaries with difficult men; “What to Do When He Won’t Change: Saving Your Marriage When He Is Angry, Selfish, Unhappy, Or Avoids You” by Jack Ito. You might also try going to therapy with the goal being relationship coaching.
incognitothrowaway1A − Your partner is an ass. This is just gonna get worse. Like what happens when you’re 50? 60? He’s rude and mean and insensitive. Does HE think he’s gods gift? Maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine.. He needs to be put in his place.
OrwellianIconoclast − I really didn’t need to read beyond “he’s never been my ‘hype’ man.” You could get a better partnership out of the average drunk girl at the bar. You need to do right by yourself and get rid of this dude so you can get your confidence back.
urrrrtn00b − Sounds like a classic case of negging to me. Go find someone who lifts you up, not puts you down.
ConcertinaTerpsichor − He’s trying to make you feel bad on purpose, OP. He enjoys doing it; it will never get better. He wants you to feel like s**t so he can control you and you’ll never think you can leave him. Run.
Do you think the partner’s indifference to her appearance is harmful, or is she overreacting to small comments? How would you approach a situation like this in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!