My [39 M] wife [30 F] of 6 years is upset I lost weight and wants me back to before?

A 25-year-old man shares the challenges in his marriage as his fitness journey leads to tension between him and his wife. After his father’s death, he made significant changes to his health, losing weight, and building muscle. However, his wife, who has struggled with her own health and fitness after having their child, has been feeling insecure and unsupported.

The husband, while wanting to encourage her to take better care of herself, doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or create more tension in their relationship. He seeks advice on how to navigate this sensitive issue with love and understanding.

‘ My [39 M] wife [30 F] of 6 years is upset I lost weight and wants me back to before?’

I married my wife six years ago when she got pregnant. We had a relatively short dating period of just nine months, but we adjusted well to married life. We were happy, and life was good. Then, when I was 35, my father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. This hit me hard, especially because my dad was just 59. It was a huge wake-up call for me.

I realized that if I wanted to be around for my son when he grew older, I needed to focus on my health and make sure I didn’t suffer the same fate. So, I took action. I went to the doctor, got a physical, and had blood work done. I found out that I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure, so I started working on improving my health.

I started following a healthier diet and exercising regularly. I even got involved in fitness communities like r/loseit and r/keto, which helped me stay motivated. Within a year, I was back to my normal weight, and within two years, I had gained more muscle and even had a six-pack, which I had never had before.

My doctor was really impressed with the improvement in my health, but I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to look even better, so I set a new goal of building my body to look like the guy on the cover of 300 for Halloween. During this time, I noticed my wife and I seemed to be drifting apart. When we first started dating, she was very fit, and we would work out together.

But after having our son, she stopped prioritizing her health and fitness. I tried to encourage her to join me in my fitness routine, even building a home gym in our garage, but she often refused. She’d say she was too tired, or that she was happy the way she was. I’d go jogging with our son in the stroller, and sometimes she would join us, but she’d insist on walking instead of jogging.

When I suggested she try jogging, she would snap back and ask if I didn’t find her attractive anymore. I assured her that I loved her just as she was, that I appreciated her for being the mother of our child and for all she did for our family. But as time passed, I found myself becoming more focused on my fitness goals.

I’d be meal prepping, cooking healthy food like chicken breast and broccoli, and she would suggest I go back to eating the lasagna and fried chicken I used to enjoy. I told her I didn’t want to go back to being overweight, as I used to be obese with a BMI of 32, and now I had a BMI of 25 and was at 10% body fat.

She got upset, asking if I thought she was fat, and I tried to reassure her, telling her that I thought she looked good, but that it was something the doctor had suggested she take care of. Despite her doctor’s advice to consider a diet plan and exercise, nothing really changed in her behavior. The tension started to grow, especially as the summer came and our son, full of energy, wanted to go to the pool.

I’d take him to the community pool to play with other kids in the neighborhood, and my wife would occasionally join us. But at a recent neighborhood pool party, she became upset when she saw me talking and laughing with some of the women there. She accused me of being attracted to them and showed me pictures from her phone of me interacting with them.

I was taken aback and tried to reassure her that I had no interest in these women, but she insisted that I must be attracted to them because they were wearing bikinis and had good bodies, while she felt she didn’t measure up. At this point, my wife started shifting the focus to me, saying that since I’d gotten in shape, I was now getting attention from other women,

and that it would make me question my loyalty. She said she didn’t feel comfortable with the new dynamic and wanted me to go back to being the old version of myself, when she didn’t have to worry about other women because I was overweight and less fit.

She also said she felt an immense amount of pressure to get fit herself, but it was overwhelming for her, and she didn’t know if she could keep up with the lifestyle I had now adopted. She wanted us to be comfortable again, and she wished I would stop pushing her to change.

I love my wife deeply, and I want to support her in any way I can. But, if I’m being honest, I think she would feel more confident and attractive if she tried to get back in shape—just like I did. However, I don’t know how to tell her this without hurting her feelings or making her feel more insecure about herself.

I want her to feel good about herself, and I want to encourage her to prioritize her health without making her feel like I’m criticizing her. I’m at a loss for how to approach this conversation, and I don’t want to cause more tension in our relationship. I know that being honest is important, but I need help on how to navigate this sensitive situation with care and love. What can I do to help her feel supported without making her feel like I’m comparing her to anyone else?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Ingrathis −  That’s f**king disgusting for her to ask that of you. Tell her that what she’s doing is unreasonable and you’ve given her no reason to actually believe you’re cheating. Being overweight is what it is, and you are so incredibly strong-willed and I, random internet stranger, am very proud of you for improving your lifestyle. Don’t let your wife throw all of that away for you.

[Reddit User] −  Your wife probably needs some therapy. This isn’t about you, it’s about her. She has low/no self esteem and is insecure. Why don’t you offer to cook all the meals for 5 days, some good healthy food and if she enjoys it you can say “See, now that wasn’t so bad.” Once she starts getting good food to fuel her body, she may have more energy to feel like starting to work out with you.

[Reddit User] −  She wants you to be overweight so you won’t be attractive to other girls? That makes no sense. Overweight people can cheat too. Have you watched Jerry Springer?

Purplecheesecakes −  Based on some of your comments further down it seems like a few things are happening. I think you already know this but getting healthy is not the only issue. If you want to get past the “wall” then you need to get under the surface here. Obviously that’s what therapy is for but there’s a couple of things you can do as the husband (especially if you want to take the merciful route).

It’s time to stop talking about health and fitness. Just stop. Give her a breather. Begin to move in a different direction with her. She feels bad. She feels bad about herself. She feels bad about you. She feels bad about your marriage. She just plain seems like she feels bad. Ask her how she feels. Tell her you want to know what it’s been like to sit on the sidelines while you get fit.

What was it like for her to be pregnant and give birth? How does she feel about her body post birth? (Hint: I’m post birth of two kids and I’m at a great weight and dang it still looks pretty saggy and n**ty. ) Is it scary? Is it stressful? Has she felt ignored? Pressured? What does that pressure feel like for her? Just start asking her questions.

And then don’t interrupt with how you think she should feel. Don’t tell her that thinking you will cheat is stupid or silly. Just try to get the dam of her emotions to let loose in a really safe and loving emotional environment. You can create this kind of environment instead of daring her to prove she can run a mile. Just stop all that and start being emotionally safe.

Don’t provide her with any reasons to feel like it’s “you vs. her.” Instead shift the focus toward “it’s us against the problem.” Of course she is behaving immaturely here and you don’t have to offer this. But when you love someone you can give mercy. This is what mercy would look like in your situation: you intentionally seeking out emotional connection with her and creating emotional safety. It’s just a starting place.

[Reddit User] −  So she wants you to literally kill yourself just because she’s lazy and crazy? Don’t do it.

throwawayseino −  Let me start by saying that the accusations your wife laid against you were over the line, and your response was level-headed. My sympathies to you. That being said, your wife probably has body issues stemming from her pregnancy. Watching yourself get steadily rounder for 9 months,

then dealing with all of the excess flab and skin (and maybe incontinence) after childbirth, combined with the subsequent lack of sleep and constant looking-after for a newborn does a depressing number on your body especially if you were previously fit. If you were starting to make your health improvements around this time,

then it probably made her feel worse about her state of fitness. I admire you for the ways you tried to get involved in your wife’s fitness. Most likely your actions, rather than convincing her to step up her game, only made her feel worse; like picking at a scab for a wound which hasn’t fully healed yet.

If you can’t have the conversation between the two of you, consider getting a couple’s counselor to discuss why she feels so threatened by your physical fitness. If it does end up pertaining to her own body image issues (which I think it is), see if you can find a body-image focused therapist for her.

pennieblack −  “My wife used to always be fit when we dated, but after having our son, she must have been busy to go exercise.” You mention in the comments that she was diagnosed with PPD, so this line comes across as really passive-aggressive.

[Reddit User] −  she would snap back asking if I don’t find her attractive. Of course, I love my wife. I love her as the mother of my child, I love her as the daughter-in-law she is when helping my mother, and most of all I love her as my wife and how she is forever my companion. BTW this says “No you’re not attractive but you’re good enough” to me.

It’s wrong of your wife to ask you to get fat again and risk your health. This is her insecurity issue and she has to deal with it, internally, herself. My SO and I are both pretty fit, but honestly I started working out and watching my diet better when he did because he was looking fine af and I was feeling insecure about my “cigarettes & netflix couch body.”

He never wavered in saying I looked good or he loved me, but as I’ve gotten more in shape…his attentions have increased noticeably.. We’re human, we can’t help it. Insecurity is a thing, but my partner isn’t responsible for my feelings. Perhaps couples counseling is in order if she really won’t let this go. It is unacceptable for her to harass you and accuse you of sleeping with other people.

Can you try something like, “beloved woman, this is about health, not s**! We are not spring chickens, we need life insurance for little dude, and we want to see him graduate from college. I do not want to pay quadruple rates for life and health insurance, nor do I want to spend retirement in and out of doctors offices for entirely preventable health issues.

I am not cheating on you and it is unfair of you to accuse me of that and very m**ipulative. I am getting healthy and I want you to be healthy too, so that we can live long and happy lives together”