My (38M) SAHW (40F) has been treating our Son (12M) poorly and favoring our Daughter (9F) ever since I complimented his cooking. How should I handle this?

A Redditor (38M) is grappling with his wife’s (40F) sudden and harsh treatment of their son (12M) after he praised the boy’s cooking. The once-loving mother-son bond turned sour when she felt overshadowed by her son’s efforts.

Leading her to unfairly favor their younger daughter (9F) and emotionally neglect their son. As tensions escalate, the husband feels caught between defending his son and salvaging his marriage. Read the full story below:

‘ My (38M) SAHW (40F) has been treating our Son (12M) poorly and favoring our Daughter (9F) ever since I complimented his cooking. How should I handle this?’

My wife has always been the one to cook around the house, and as an Italian, it’s one of the reasons I fell so hard for her. I’ve offered to help out in the kitchen or even cook for her sometimes, but she’s always firmly, yet politely, told me no and I can’t really blame her because I did NOT get either of my parents’ good cooking genes.

Because of this I’ve always been sure to thank her for every meal and I’ve taught my children to do the same. For the past year or so my son has been watching a ton of cooking videos on youtube and tiktok and he’s really been wanting to try his hand at cooking.

My wife was happy to teach him and at least twice a week the two of them will go out to the store, buy ingredients for a meal he found on tiktok and come home and make it. It’s been awesome seeing them bonding more, since they haven’t really had much overlap in interests before this.

About a month ago after dinner, my son asked his mom if he could try making us all a meal on his own. I said it sounded like a great idea, and she hemmed and hawed for a little while before agreeing. So that Saturday she took him to the store to get his ingredients and then he got to work.

She supervised here and there, but he insisted that she didn’t need to so eventually she came to the living room and sat with my daughter and I looking a little bit dejected, so I reassured her that I was sure he’ll still wanna cook with her, he just wanted to try it out on his own. That seemed to help out a little but she still seemed a little off.

When he finished and we all sat down to eat, I was honestly surprised at just how good he managed to do on his own. I feel bad saying it but even after a year or so of cooking with his mother, I expected him to mess up more than he did.

I wanted to encourage this interest of his so I was sure to let him know while I was eating how good he did, and gently bring up the few mistakes he had made. I did it a lot more than I usually would with my wife’s cooking, and in hindsight I can see that that’s what started all of this.

His sister, being his little sister, was not as supportive as I was, and quite rudely insulted his cooking. I was going to tell her to mind her manners and be thankful that he cooked for us when my wife made a sound and pushed her plate away, before agreeing and saying that it was too salty and overcooked.

This took me aback, and I could tell my son took it hard too, as his mood visibly dropped. I didn’t say anything at the time, since my wife and I never argue in front of the kids, and I just kept up the praise of my son’s cooking as his mother picked at the plate for a little while longer before she took her and our daughter’s plates to the kitchen.

A little while later, I had went to check on my son, and I could tell that he had been crying, so I comforted him, told him I was sure his mother loved the food and that she was probably just having a bad day, not to take it personally.

Then later, once the kids were asleep, I confronted her about it, and she tried to just brush it off, but I pushed and she got mad and said that I complimented his cooking far more than I ever complimented hers. This caught me off guard, since I didn’t expect my wife to be jealous of our son, and I unfortunately let out an involuntary scoff at this.

She blew up at me for laughing, and we ended up arguing for a while before eventually I managed to explain that I was complimenting him so much because I wanted to encourage him to keep cooking, and she even admitted that she shouldn’t have been so harsh about it. She said she would apologize to him and I figured that everything was settled.

That Monday, when I was driving my son to school, I noticed he wasn’t acting normal, and looking out the window, trying to hide his face from me. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he was fine, but I could tell he was fighting back tears so I asked him again and he broke and told me that after I had left to get the car started,

she told him that she was going to be cooking alone again from now on. I was furious about this, but kept my cool and told him I would talk to her about it, bought him a snack from the store before dropping him off at school. I left work early so I could get home before the kids and talk to my wife.

I’ll admit I didn’t handle it as well as I could have and we ended up in a shouting match where I was calling her childish for being so vindictive towards our son because she was upset with me, and she called him a baby and said he shouldn’t be so sad about not being allowed to cook since it wasn’t a man’s job to do so anyway.

We ended up leaving each other alone to cool down, and when our kids got home, my wife took our daughter out, and came back later with a load of toys and clothes for her. I knew immediately what she was trying to do, and that night I told her that I would not let her use the money I make for our family to punish my son.

She didn’t take this well and we ended up arguing again. I slept in the guestroom, and have been up to this point. For this past month my wife has kept up this vindictive showering of our daughter with attention and gifts, while almost entirely ignoring my son.

I’ve been talking to my parents and brother about this, and while they agree that she’s wrong, they also don’t see it as that big of a problem and think it’ll sort itself out. At this point, with how she’s been treating our son, I’m starting to fall out of love with her, but I also don’t want to just jump to divorce if there’s something that I can do to fix this whole situation.

I can honestly say that we’ve never had a fight this big. Sure, we bicker every now and then, but she’s never taken that out on my son in the past. I feel responsible and guilty about what happened, and I’ve been trying to do nice things for my son, when I can,

but I also don’t want to mirror my wife’s behavior so I’ve also been taking my daughter with us about half the time we go places, but whenever we do, she’s been very rude and always talks about all the stuff her mother does for her lately, because she knows it bothers her brother.

Seeing the way my wife has been treating our son has made me second guess our marriage, but I don’t want to just jump straight to divorce either. Any advice on what I should do, or how to best bring up the topic of therapy would be appreciated.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Aloreiusdanen −  I think everyone has the wrong idea. They keep telling you to get your kid out of there, NO… Get your wife out of the house. Tell her she needs to go stay with her mom/sister/someone else.

That her mental abuse towards your son is unacceptable, and the fact that she fails to see this as an issue is even more reason to leave. Tell her she needs to pack a bag and leave for a week or so, until she realizes the harm she has done to your son with her a**sive behavior.

rmeatyou −  Why does your wife resent your son so much? Such an odd thing for her to get upset about. Does she think your son is going to pick up all the cooking and she’ll be out of a job? Bizarre response to a 12 year old not perfecting a recipe on the first try….she seems mean.

I’ve had my little cousins bake stuff for me and even when it’s not spectacular or barely edible, I would never put them down like this. Your wife is cruel, and your daughter is shaping up to be just like her. Great example she’s setting there.

Neat-Pen6522 −  Maybe ask your wife why she isn’t proud of what she taught your son. He was able to cook that meal because of what SHE taught him. Praise for him was praise for her. Does she think your kids’ teachers are miffed when you compliment your kids on their good grades?

Furthermore, you could put an analogy to her of learning to ride a bike. When a child first learns they are boosted with compliments and congratulations but do we also give adults who have been riding bikes for years the same? No, because they shouldn’t need it, their skill is already established.

Finally, ask her which future she wants: the one where her son is complimented on his cooking skills and he says, “Thank you, I learned it all from my mom. She’s the best cook and taught me so much” OR where he says, “Thank you, my mom really discouraged me from learning and it took me years to teach myself.”

Parents often forget that they only have the first 18 years to establish a lifelong relationship with their kids. Soon, they are adults and look back at their childhood with adult eyes and that determines how much of a relationship they want with their parents.

Inksplotter −  It seems like the trigger for your wife was you seeming to favor your son over her. She isn’t seeing your son as HER son. She’s seeing him as competition for your affection, which means everything you are doing to try to protect him or get her to be nicer to him will just reinforce her belief that you are ‘on his side’.

(The favoritism toward your daughter is to make sure your daughter is ‘on her side’.) Your wife is DEEPLY insecure, possibly diagnosably so. Your best chance at getting back to a loving family unit is professional help.

Ancient_Bicycles −  Get into counseling immediately. Your wife is abusing your child. This is a very severe issue. I would consider taking your son and removing him from your marital home to protect him while you seek the assistance of mental health professionals.

mangosorbet420 −  Wow… she’s emotionally abusing her own son. All because you were an encouraging and good father. She needs therapy

Extreme_Chemistry515 −  “If you can’t treat my son with respect and love, you need to leave the house”. Why have you not said that to her?

Opening_Track_1227 −  First and foremost, you need to protect your son. It’s time to have a “come to Jesus” moment with your wife and tell her she needs to apologize to your son, make it right with him, stop being vindictive towards him, allow him to cook with her or you will divorce her. Give her a time frame and if you don’t see any improvement between her and your son, it’s time to leave.

GameboyPATH −  It sounds like you already recognize that: * Your wife has unacceptably sexist attitudes about your son cooking that not only conflict with your values, but also result in unfair behavior towards your son that conflict with your goal of encouraging him to pursue his personal interests and build useful life skills.

* Your approach to explaining how you feel about your wife’s behavior hasn’t been effective in encouraging understanding and prompting positive change, and has only resulted in fighting.

The only non-divorce solution here is one where you and your wife can have a constructive conversation about your respective views on your son cooking. I can offer a few pieces of advice on how YOU can approach this:

* Find a period of time where you two can have each other’s undivided attention, separated from any recent fights, arguments, or emotional events. You could tell her that you want to talk about your son’s cooking, including learning more about her perspective, and sharing your own.

* Start by explaining how the situation makes you feel. It helps to use “I statements” here: statements that outline what you’ve noticed and how these things make you feel, using I, me, and my as the subject, while minimizing use of you, your, and yours.

For example: “It made me sad to hear [son]’s efforts be discouraged and put down. I think it would be healthy for [son] to pursue his interests and learn important life skills, and I worry that he won’t do that if his family doesn’t support him.”

* Ask her how she feels about this situation. If there’s an explanation that she provides that doesn’t add up, or leaves you with other questions, ask her. The goal here is understanding her perspective and where she’s coming from, nonjudgmentally, even if you disagree.

For instance, if her background and experience is one where she’s used to only women cooking and not men, you could tell her how you recognize how she’s come to the views she holds now. * As needed, further explain your own perspective, and ask her to recognize where YOU’RE coming from.

* If you two can get to a point of mutual understanding, work together on identifying expectations for the future that you two can BOTH agree to. For instance, if she’s motivated by maintaining traditional family values, how could you two agree that she can do this without it discouraging your son from pursuing his interests?

Alternatively, if she absolutely refuses to accept her son’s cooking at all, can she remove herself from this in a way that’s not disparaging to your son, while you support him? These aren’t questions with trick “correct” answers, just ideas I came up with.

Again, the best solution that keeps your marriage intact is whatever one you two can BOTH agree and commit to. If this is too complex or difficult of a scenario for you two to navigate on your own, then by all means, getting outside help from a family counselor could help.

This topic could be posed by explaining to your wife that this is an important subject to you, but that you two appear to be having difficulty in communicating, so you want to bring in outside support to help you BOTH better express yourselves.

Patsy5bellies-1 −  Ffs protect your child she’s emotionally harming him you should be removing her from the family home until she gets psychiatric help

This situation raises questions about emotional maturity, parenting dynamics, and the potential impact of favoritism on children. How should the husband approach resolving this conflict to protect his son and repair his marriage? Is therapy the key, or has the damage gone too far? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/aAKuq