My (37M) wife (34F) wants to back out of the divorce she filed. Not sure what to do?

A man (37M) shares the dilemma of his wife (34F) wanting to reconcile after filing for divorce earlier this year. After months of separation, legal battles, and personal growth, he’s unsure whether to give the marriage a second chance or move on for good. Read his story below.

‘ My (37M) wife (34F) wants to back out of the divorce she filed. Not sure what to do?’

My wife of 12 years decided to divorce me earlier this year. We did marriage counseling and just about everything else you can do to save the marriage. I love my wife, but she apparently fell out of love 3 years ago according to her. We separated in March of this year.

The separation was recommended by the marriage counselor after everything else failed. It was supposed to I guess show us our marriage from different angle by being separated. I ended up moving out of the house, and quite honestly I was much happier living by myself.

I told my wife that I wouldn’t file for divorce, and if she wanted to go down that route she can file. In May she finally filed for divorce. Honestly I completely expected it coming after the separation experiment. I was hoping for a simple divorce like we talked about before we separated.

We don’t have a prenup in place since we basically both didn’t have that much when we got married. They always say it doesn’t matter how much you love or have mutual respect for your spouse, because during a divorce there are no limits. She initially wanted the house, her car, full custody of our daughters, 4000 a month in cs, and a 6 figure alimony.

My wife doesn’t work since she’s a full time stay at home mom. I was never going to leave her without anything, but it sort of hurt me that she would try to get all those things knowing well that I would have barely anything left afterwards.

Anyways the lawyers have been negotiating for some time and I haven’t had much contact with my wife unless it’s about the girls.
Last night my wife called me asking me if I would go to dinner, because she wanted to talk. I accepted and we met for dinner at a restaurant.

She expressed that she wanted to give our marriage another try. Her reasoning was that she was in a dark place before, and now she understands that she was the problem. She took 100 percent responsibility for our problems which is very out of character for her. Ever since I’ve known her she doesn’t apologize like ever.

She also said that our daughters missed us living together which I guess is true. After dinner she wanted to come back to my place, but I told her it wasn’t a good idea. I told her that I would have to think about it. She started crying and begging me to come back, eventually she calmed down and we went our separate ways.

A few months ago I would’ve agreed to trying again without hesitation, but after the divorce process I’m not so sure anymore. The other thing is I know she’s been on dates since our separation. She told one of our mutual friends who told her husband who told me.

I personally haven’t dated anyone because our divorce hasn’t been finalized. Also I’m enjoying living single with just my daughters. Ideally I would like to save this marriage for the sake of my daughters and the love for my wife, but at the same time I don’t want to try again just to waste time ending up in our current situation again.

My daughters prefer staying with me over their mom. I’ve never said anything negative about their mom to my daughters, and I try to leave them out of it completely. If you’ve had any experiences in trying to make your marriage work again for round 2 was it positive or negative? Is it worth revisiting, or do I just cut my losses and move on?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

cassowary32 −  Talk to your lawyer before making any decisions. What are the standards for child support and alimony in your state? Does pausing the divorce reset any clocks? Does your state have a set time that you have to be separated before you can divorced?

You’ve already been married 10 years so she’s all set on social security. Are there any business interests she’ll be entitled to if you are married longer? Any big paydays on the horizon?

Can you go for 50/50 custody? Is your ex planning on getting a job? If you earn enough for $4k in child support and 6 figure alimony, shouldn’t you be talking to professionals (your lawyer, your therapist, your accountant) not Reddit?

JJQuantum −  It honestly sounds like she wants to get back together because the divorce isn’t going her way. She wants all of that crap from you because she wants to remain a stay at home mom even after the divorce. I’m betting she’s been talking with her lawyer and realizes that she’s not going to be able to do that.

I’m also betting that she knows that your daughters prefer your custody to hers. All of that adds up to her losing the life she loves. It has nothing to do with you. You can test this by telling her that if the marriage fails again you don’t want to go through this again so as a result you will only get back together if she signs a postnuptial agreement.

You can still be generous in that she is a SAHM but you can also make it so you won’t be fleeced if she changes her mind again. If she balks at the agreement then you know it’s about the money and not you and you can leave knowing you made the right decision.

Super_Chicken22 −  The branch she was swinging to broke. She needs to find time to look for another branch. S**ew that. Get rid of her. Now.

NYChockey14 −  If you’re not seeing a therapist then I highly recommend it now. They can help guide you through your thoughts. But honestly from a strangers perspective, I’d go through with the divorce. You sound happier single from what you described.

And from what you also noted about your wife, you may always doubt whether she came back for you or whether she came back because she realized she couldn’t find anyone else dating wise.

Other than that I’d keep communications strictly through lawyers. And don’t stay just for the kids, they know when people aren’t happy. Don’t show them they should stay in unhappy relationships

throwralp640 −  I’m going to be honest before posting this I was seriously considering to make things work with her again, but after reading all the comments I’m leaning towards walking away and continuing with the divorce proceedings. I just don’t see it working especially after what she wanted initially.

I can look past wanting the house, money, or both of our cars but wanting full custody of my daughter is what still messes with me. The last 3 years she’s checked out of our marriage and being a parent. I drop my daughters off at school, pick them up and take them to their sports and extracurricular activities.

I know she sees a therapist, but she’s changed a lot. The woman from the past 3 years is not the woman I married. I’m not sure what’s caused all this, and if she’s sick I wouldn’t mind helping her get better. A lot of people want to know what she said last night.

We had a normal conversation over dinner. She asked me how I’d been, and how work was going. She just made regular small talk in the restaurant. I asked what the actual purpose of this dinner was, and she said that she missed me. That’s when she started to get really emotional.

We went outside to her car and that’s when the apology came about how she was sorry for ruining our marriage. She said she had been in a dark place, but she didn’t elaborate on that. I felt like she wanted to say a lot more, but the tears got in the way. We sat in that car for at least 1 hour.

I’ll be honest I did hold her to comfort her, and there still was love there. I don’t know what it was that kept me from spending the night with her. I thought about all night, and the feeling was that my wife/ mother of my children needed me but instead I abandoned her.

I have no proof or signs she cheated before the separation. I could also just be clueless, because I don’t really have the personality to question her and be suspicious. I don’t know who she’s been with since the separation, or how far their relationship even went.

A lot of ya’ll said she might be pregnant which is interesting, because my close friend who I’m staying with also said that. I don’t know and don’t want to jump to any conclusions.

The last 3 years of our marriage we had s** 4 times. I don’t know what her true intentions were last night, but I learned today from my daughter that my wife arranged for her sister to watch them for the night. I don’t know what all that was about. I truly do love this woman even after all of this.

15 years together and being married for 12 is a long time. We were together when we were both broke college kids. We suffered two miscarriages, but somehow stayed strong and made it past that.

Even if this is the end of our marriage I don’t regret any of it. I got 2 beautiful daughters out of this marriage. My thoughts are all over the place.. Thanks everyone

SonataNightshade −  Honestly I think you’d need to try a second round of counseling before you gave marriage another shot. It sounds an awful lot like she wanted to be separated and still taken care of financially by you.

not only that, but she wanted full custody of the girls???? She probably got a call from her lawyer telling her there was no way in hell that all that was happening.

I would go back to a counselor and figure out exactly what ‘her being the problem’ meant and figure out if you want to risk it happening again. If you want to give it another shot then that’s up to you, but if you’re happier where you’re at, I wouldn’t.

crashdel −  If it feels off, it’s off! Don’t trust her. Don’t go back unless it feels good. But if you are going back because you feel bad then no!

Bean-Penis −  So she had her fun and/or her lawyer told her she ain’t getting all that and she doesn’t like the idea of having to work. That’s how this reads to me.

Kichijouten14 −  Pop Quiz: Why the sudden change in heart? 1. She realized she wasn’t going to get everything that she wanted from you in the divorce. 2. She was sleeping with another guy, who broke it off and told her to kick bricks, so she’s seeing if she can get back with you.

3. She honestly had an amazing epiphany, brought on by your kids’ comments and realized she really does love you and wants to try and work it out.. Answer: #2 It’s always #2, which is what she thinks you are.

Fun_Scene_3392 −  It’s odd that she put a date stamp on when she “fell out of love” with you, and then told you she was just in a dark place when she asked to reconcile. The reason I say that’s odd, is because my wife did the same to me, only she said she hadn’t loved me for 8 years and wanted me to move out.

I thought to myself at the time that it was strange she had a timeframe for that and what a bomb to drop suddenly after 8 years. My brother recommended a P.I. because something wasn’t right. The bedroom had basically dried up to only a few times a year and I was definitely depressed over it all.

Then, another bomb dropped when I found out the reason for it all. She had been having an emotional and physical affair with her married boss for 8 years. The P.I. Caught them 7 times in only 2 weeks going in to motels and having s** in their cars in out of the way parking lots.

I was completely floored! I took the evidence to an attorney and we went full scorched earth. I subpoenaed everyone, her AP, her AP’s boss, her AP’s bosses boss, and her AP’s wife. The AP was fired, as was my wife.

Turns out their plan was to both divorce, he would give his house to his wife, and my wife would take our house in the divorce, giving both a soft place to land. Well, I won the house in the divorce and custody of our kids. She got her car and half of the value of the home over what we owed.

Her AP dumped her and then desperately tried to fix his marriage. She begged me to take her back. I didn’t. Now she lives in an economy apartment and I live in our nice home with a wrap around porch, and me and the kids are happy. She’s miserable and poor, and I’m ok with that.

Her AP moved out of state to start over and blames her for everything. I also sued her AP and won. When she was trying to get back with me she agreed to testify against him for alienation of affection.

She testified to having s** with him 4-6 times every WEEK while only having s** with me 3-5 times per YEAR over the 8 year period, and only when she would feel sorry for me. She told me when begging to reconcile that she was in a very dark place.

She thought this guy was the answer to everything and she believed he loved her and that she loved him. She was addicted to the forbidden fruit aspect of it all and she admitted to doing anything and everything he wanted s**ually in order to keep him.

That part disgusted me. It took me years to get over what she did. Now I only speak to her if it’s something about our kids. I still cannot believe that she was capable of treating me and our kids the way she did for almost a decade. I loved her, and her AP just wanted a submissive s** partner.

All I’m saying OP is look in to it. This man she went on dates with might just have been her AP. And maybe, just maybe, once the forbidden fruit aspect (limerance) disappeared due to your separation, she woke up and realized that she fucked up.

That her AP wasn’t the dreamboat she once believed him to be. Or the AP broke things off because now with you out of the way she could be more c**ngy, and maybe he just wanted more of a side piece and not a GF.

Of course that may not be the case, but women don’t go to “a dark place” all on their own. There are usually extenuating circumstances that lead them there.. Updateme

Rekindling a marriage after divorce proceedings is a challenging decision, especially when trust and emotional wounds linger. Should this husband give his wife a second chance for the sake of their daughters and past love, or prioritize the new stability he’s found? Share your thoughts and advice below!