My (37f) husband (39m) went to a work dinner with a woman and was gone five hours, wasn’t where he said he’d be, and wouldn’t respond to my calls and texts. I kicked him out, and he says I’m overreacting. Can anyone help me make sense of what happened here?

A Reddit user shared a troubling experience with their husband, who went out for a one-on-one work dinner with a female sales rep, was gone for five hours, didn’t respond to calls or texts, and wasn’t where he said he’d be. When confronted, he dismissed their concerns, leading to a major conflict and separation. Read the full story below to weigh in on whether their reaction was justified or an overreaction.

‘ My (37f) husband (39m) went to a work dinner with a woman and was gone five hours, wasn’t where he said he’d be, and wouldn’t respond to my calls and texts. I kicked him out, and he says I’m overreacting. Can anyone help me make sense of what happened here?’

My husband of six years works in a field where sales reps are constantly vying to get him to use their products. One of the ways they do this is by putting on dinners at upscale restaurants (think expensive steakhouses) and inviting groups to come listen to a presentation about the product in exchange for a free steak dinner.

So far this year, my husband has attended upwards of 40 of these dinners. I find this a little excessive, especially considering we have a three year old and a five month old at home, and I rarely get a reciprocal night out (for context, we’ve been out together without the kid(s) four times in the past year).

I have asked him to cut back on these dinners, but he refuses, saying he hopes to leverage these relationships into brand-sponsored speaking opportunities that could become a temporary source of secondary income. To his credit, this has happened before and he made some good money before his stint as a speaker ended.

Any time I complain about the number of dinners he attends, he accuses me of not caring about our financial situation, or even outright trying to sabotage it. It is my understanding that he attends far more of these dinners than most people in his field. Ok, onto the dinner in question: last week he forwarded me a screenshot of a text from a sales rep who said she would be in town for two nights and wanted to have dinner with just him while she was there.

This is fairly unusual, as most dinners are group affairs with friends and colleagues. On one other occasion he has met with a sales rep one-on-one, but it was an older man. On this occasion, it was an attractive woman around our age (I looked her up on the socials).

They agreed to meet on Monday at 6:30 at a nice tapas restaurant in an expensive part of town because, according to my husband, “it was close to her hotel.” Made sense, though I raised an eyebrow at his phrasing. He got annoyed, but I pointed out that it was a dumb thing to say to your wife when you’re meeting a woman for dinner at a nice restaurant.

He left the house at 6:04. For context, I am extremely sleep-deprived. I’m up with the new baby several times a night, and my husband has refused to participate in night feedings. So, by 9:00 I was tired and really wanted to sleep, but the baby was colicky and crying, and it was keeping my toddler awake.

I texted my husband to find out when he thought he’d be home so I could have a sense how long it’d be before I could sleep. In the text I said it was NBD, just give me a ballpark idea of when you’ll be home. He didn’t respond. He wears an Apple watch and is constantly responding to texts on his phone, so it was annoying to me that he couldn’t give me an ETA after three hours at dinner.

I called him at 9:15 and he sent me straight to voicemail. I called again at 9:30 with the same result. At this point I texted and told him I was calling the restaurant. When I did, the host told me there was no one in the restaurant, and he could confidently say that no one matching my husband’s description had been into the restaurant at all that night.

I texted that I was calling his parents to see if they had heard from him (they hadn’t). Finally, at almost 10:00, I texted and told him not to come home. Fifteen minutes after my last text, he sent me an automated text from his GPS app telling me he’d be home by 10:20 pm.

I texted again and told him to go to his parents’ house. He showed up anyway and I wouldn’t let him in. He didn’t have keys. He said I was acting crazy. He said the tapas restaurant was more like a sports bar so they went to a nicer place across the street.

He said his phone was in his pocket on silent (except he had to have declined the calls in order to send me straight to voicemail). He said he was trying to generate revenue for our family. He said my self esteem was not his problem. He said my behavior had better be a symptom of PMDD. He said I was “creating events in my mind.”

Long story short, I didn’t let him in. He slept at his parents and came over to the house in the morning to get his stuff. He’s there again tonight (after going to yet another dinner), and likely will be for the foreseeable future.

I think his behavior was shady and disrespectful to me, but he thinks I’ve blown the whole thing out of proportion. I’m so tired that I can’t make sense of it, and I need to ask Reddit if I’m justified in my anger, or if he’s right and I’m blowing this out of proportion. What do you think? Thanks in advance.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

WANTSIAAM −  The best case scenario here is your husband just doesn’t give a s**t about you or your family. That’s best case scenario. Worst is what’s more likely, that he cheating. I’m a doctor and have been to these dinners. Your husband is the big fish here, not the rep. They’re trying to impress him, not the other way around.

There’s absolutely no reason he can’t step away and take your calls, or end it early. And most importantly, no reason he can’t say no to dinners in favor of being a father and husband. Also, on what planet does this 35 year old rep hold the keys to him becoming a lucrative speaker? All of it is b**lshit. Tell him if he’s so concerned about financials he should consider the cost of a divorce, alimony and child support.

abelle99 −  He said a lot of things, but he didn’t seem to say “I’m sorry”.

PanickedPoodle −  Set aside the cheating thing and just look at your post:

– He is spending many evenings out of the house. You have asked him to cut back and he’s refused.

– He spent FIVE hours at this latest one while you had a newborn.

– You are looking up social media for his contacts, recording how long he’s out and when exactly he left, and checking up on him. When you do this, you find out he has lied.

– He is g**lighting and insulting you. “This had better be PMDD” feels like the rest of the sentence is *or I’m going to leave you.* Even assuming he’s doing what he says he is, you guys have some serious issues with communication and negotiation. 

BrokenAshcraft −  I’m not sure what field he is in, but I am in the medical field and in my area we do NOT have that many people vying for us to give their products. I’d assume he’s in a specific specialty if he is medical. If so, he’s gotta be going to any and every specialty dinner to be having that many.

I think he’s using dinners to cover up infidelity. I’d step into p**cho and be putting a throw away prepaid phone in his car with life 360 installed so I can track his ass.

LadyKlepsydra −  I don’t think you overreacted. The “does not answer his wife calls” does it for me – my first thought is that he couldn’t pick up, bc it was a date. but even if it wasn’t and this was 100% professional -still kicking him out is appropriate, because that man made you a single mother, pretty much.

He goes out, explains it all with “business” but the reality is, you are a single mom. What if something happened to one of the kids, and you had to go to the hospital or something? He wouldn’t even know, bc parenting is your job. Not picking up was not acceptable when you have two kids.

throwawaybydubious −  He said I was “creating events in my mind.”. Yep cheating

Tylorw09 −  I just have to wonder, is this money needed? Can he not just cut back on “attempting” to make extra income for a few years until the kids are easier to handle? With 40 dinners a year he is going approximately every 9 days. that’s damn near every week!

So if you’ve asked him to cut back on these dinner ands he’s said no, then the only question is whether he’s justified in trying to earn this extra income because it’s needed.

If not, then he’s prioritizing his nights out (which I imagine are just his breaks away from you and the kids where he can party and get spoiled by people trying to sell him s**t) over your family. Might as well just divorce him and get his child support. It’s not like he’s there to take care of the kids anyways.

Mmoct −  He is probably cheating. But his behaviour in general, and his g**lighting you, and comments like “it better be a symptom of PMDD” WTF what if you were calling about one of your kids? You did the right thing

XxLogitech98xX −  You’re not overreacting, he’s basically underplaying or disrespecting you if he didn’t tell you the whole truth or pick up your calls.

lemmful −  Even if a possible affair weren’t the issue here (and that IS a big issue), he’s definitely neglecting his parental duty by attending these upscale events unnecessarily without giving you equal time off. For that alone, I’d be pissed.

Do you think the user’s reaction was reasonable given the circumstances, or was it an overreaction? How would you address a partner’s lack of communication and transparency in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!