My [36M] wife [34F] keeps tying my boots after I’ve told her to keep her hands off of them. I tried to teach her a lesson and really hurt her feelings.

The user (34M) is struggling with his wife (34F), who is a neat freak and keeps tying his boots, despite his repeated requests not to. As a volunteer EMT, he needs the boots to be left untied for quick access during emergencies.

After a stressful incident, he yelled at her, which hurt her feelings. In an attempt to get her to understand his frustration, he retaliated by messing with her shoes, which only made things worse. Now, the tension is high, and he’s unsure how to resolve the issue while maintaining respect for his own boundaries.

‘ My [36M] wife [34F] keeps tying my boots after I’ve told her to keep her hands off of them. I tried to teach her a lesson and really hurt her feelings.’

My wife (34F) is a neat freak, and while I’ve mostly accepted her habits, one thing has been bothering me for a while now: she keeps tying my boots, even though I’ve repeatedly asked her not to. I’m a volunteer EMT,

and I keep my boots unlaced next to my clothes hamper so that I can quickly throw them on during an emergency call in the middle of the night. The problem is, whenever she sees them, she ties the laces, tightens them, and double-knots them, which means I have to spend extra time undoing it to get my boots on properly when every second counts.

I’ve tried calmly explaining that it’s a matter of urgency, that when a call comes in, I don’t have time to mess around with my boots. I even told her that people’s lives could be at risk, and I need everything prepared and ready to go.

But she just brushes me off, saying things like, “You know how I am!” and continues to tie the boots anyway. The other night, it came to a head. I got a call for a CPR in progress, and when I went to put on my boots, they were once again tied so tightly that it took me several minutes just to get them loose enough to wear.

I was stressed out, cursing, trying to get them open, and I ended up yelling at her, saying something along the lines of, “Some stupid person messed with my boots again!” She was hurt by my outburst and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door.

I ended up going on the call, but I felt guilty the entire time, worried that the delay could have cost someone their life. When I got home, my wife wouldn’t speak to me, and we had a long discussion where she told me I had scared her.

She said she thought I might hit her, and that she didn’t know I was capable of getting that angry. I’ve never been violent with her, and I apologized for yelling, acknowledging that I was frustrated with the situation, but I still pleaded with her not to touch my boots.

After that conversation, she said that if my anger was going to scare her, she wouldn’t touch my boots again. But last night, I checked, and once again, the boots were tightened. At that point, I decided to retaliate. I went to her closet and unraveled the laces of her running shoes, coiling them up and putting them inside the shoes.

I thought it would be a small inconvenience, but when she woke up and saw what I’d done, she was devastated. She couldn’t believe I’d purposely ruined her plans, and she was in tears. I felt awful because I didn’t want to ruin her whole morning, just show her how it feels to have something important delayed.

Now, she’s alternating between crying and ignoring me. She said that I apologized for my anger, but then I turned around and hurt her in a different way, and she’s right. I realize what I did was childish and unhelpful.

I haven’t yet apologized for messing with her shoes because I’m afraid she’ll see it as me admitting she was right to keep touching my boots. We’ve tried discussing this, but it’s clear that neither of us is fully understanding the other’s point of view.

We’ve had a good relationship otherwise, but this issue has become a recurring argument, and I don’t want it to keep causing tension between us. How can I fix things with my wife while still making it clear that I won’t tolerate her disrespecting my property?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

I_Thot_So −  Your wife’s behavior sounds compulsive. She likely has a major anxiety disorder that manifests in this way. Which explains her “inability” to stop herself from the rearranging and the lacing and whatnot. She needs therapy and medication pronto.

BUT that doesn’t explain her minimizing the importance and urgency of your job. EVEN IF you weren’t *literally saving lives*, I’d be pissed as f**k if my partner trivialized my work and dismissed my need to be organized and prepared for my job.

I’m skeptical that your marriage is truly as great as you say it is, and I’m concerned that you’re just in the habit of subjugating your own needs to keep the peace due to your wife’s “quirks”.

el__duderino__ −  You don’t need to do anything to make things right with your wife. You need to find a therapist for her so that she can get the professional help and medication that she needs.

At this point you giving in to her insanity only enables her behavior, which is either batshit crazy, or arrogant and selfish beyond belief. After she begins treatment, then you guys should see a couple counselor to work out the rest of your issues.

wtfthecanuck −  Tell your wife that this interference with your gear could crash your marriage and facilitate a d**th. And is she good with that or will she work on herself.

etheltoffelmier −  I’m actually stunned to finally hear someone describe OCD symptoms this similar to what I’ve observed from my father. He’s exhibited these exact same behaviors as long as I’ve been alive – I mean, identical, right down to tying/zipping people’s shoes and responding with anger and defensiveness when asked to stop.

I’m well into adulthood and he STILL goes in my room every time I visit and rearranges my stuff. It doesn’t matter how neat I am; it’s not about that. It’s about control of his environment. If he’s touched everything in the room, if he’s arranged it as he thinks it should be arranged, his anxiety is quelled.

For the longest time, I thought he was just a d**k who didn’t respect my boundaries. And yes, the boundary issue is part of it, and mental illness is not an excuse to be s**tty to people. But when you’re suffering with this kind of compulsion, it overwhelms any sense of boundaries a healthy person would have.

OP’s wife may understand on some level that this is a violation; she just doesn’t, or can’t, care, because the need to compulse is far stronger. My dad is 80 years old and all I can feel is sadness that he never got the help he needed and now it’s too late.

I regret assuming that he was in complete control of himself and was just being an a**hole. Only recently, in the throes of the onset of Alzheimer’s, did he finally admit to my mom that he has always struggled with this and felt like he couldn’t stop himself.

With a great deal of shame, he confessed that, when left unattended, he would even rearrange things on his boss’s desk but would barely remember doing it afterward. OP, please try to get your wife to accept help.

She will be very resistant – it is terrifying for someone with this disorder to contemplate losing that sense of control. That’s why she’s being such a d**k about it. She will make excuses, she will blame you, she will not admit that she has a problem. Don’t listen. Push as hard as you can.

If she still won’t seek help, it is perfectly acceptable to say that you won’t stay in a relationship where you have to tolerate this. But if your wife means as much to you as you’ve described, please don’t listen to all these comments calling her a selfish a**hole and at least try to help her free herself of this.

tashaaaaaaaaaa −  Ask your wife if she got hit on her morning run how would she like it if her doctor was late cause his wife tied his shoes.

GVM3SnakeBeater −  This person is insane and m**ipulative. This is not funny. One day she will kill a person by proxy if you let her. I would seriously consider at least sleeping or keeping your things in a room where she can not reach them but I am being honest this does not sound like a stable collected person to build your life with.

She will cost you dearly one day and will absolutely never stop her shenanigans. She does not respect you and she is slightly mentally ill on top of that.

57471571C5 −  I don’t think you have to do anything to make her feel better. Throwing away your stuff without asking already is a red flag, willingly risking lifes because your shoes don’t look right is really really unhealthy behaviour. She should see a therapist and you don’t have to excuse for anything.

ohhoneynoooo −  Wow your wife sucks. After reading some of your replies I’d say the bigger problem here is that she has no appreciation for how vital your job is. She needs a reality check.

lilwolf9905 −  Hide ya shoes, or if she’s on the smaller side of the height scale put them up in a higher place.