My (36M) wife (34F) gave up a high paying, high stress job for a lower paying job that she enjoys. Now she feels like she doesn’t “contribute” enough in our relationship. How can I help her get past this?

A Reddit user seeks advice on helping his wife feel valued after she left a high-stress attorney job for a part-time position she loves but earns significantly less. While their finances remain stable and their quality of life has improved, the wife feels she no longer contributes equally, particularly in income.

She struggles with guilt about her decreased workload and financial dependence, despite her husband’s reassurance that her role in managing the household and their enhanced time together are invaluable. The user hopes to find ways to support her self-worth and ease her concerns. Read the full story below…

‘ My (36M) wife (34F) gave up a high paying, high stress job for a lower paying job that she enjoys. Now she feels like she doesn’t “contribute” enough in our relationship. How can I help her get past this?’

My wife (34F) and I (36M) have been together for 5 years, married for 3, and have no children. For our first few years together, she was a full time attorney working 50-60 hours per week. At that time, her income was approximately 40% higher than mine.

The income disparity did not bother me at all (I mean, who doesn’t like more money… hah!), but neither of us was happy about the amount of hours she had to spend at work. When we met, she was already pretty burnt out and unhappy with the stressful job. I tried my best to be supportive and encourage her to look for other jobs that would be less stressful.

She was open to it, but knew it would be a big pay cut. She said she would rather stick it out for a while longer so we could pay off her student loans and save money for a new house. Once the loans were gone and we had moved into our new home, she found a part-time (\~15 hrs/wk) job working from home doing something more in line with her interests.

Her stress level went way down, and so did her income. She still makes very good money, but her income is about a third of her previous job. This is absolutely not a problem financially. My income has steadily increased and she’s still bringing in plenty. We are doing great and have no money problems. I have no regrets about any of it.

The thing is, every once in a while, she’ll mention that she feels sad that she doesn’t “contribute” because her income is so much lower than mine. I tell her this is absolutely not true. Not only does she still have great income, but she contributes in so many other ways.

Since she has a very flexible work schedule, she is able to do most of the household chores, takes care of errands during the day, does a lot of the shopping, etc. She basically keeps our household running. But I think in her mind, the work she does for our household does not make up for the loss in income.

She recently found out we are eligible for health insurance through one of her attorney organization memberships. She sent me the details, but it turned out that our current plan we have through my job is still a better deal. I texted her and said I looked into it but we should stick with what we have.

When I got home from work, I could tell she was feeling down. She told me she had gotten excited at the possibility that we could use something through her work and that she would be providing something major. She was crushed when I told her we shouldn’t use it. I felt terrible…

I’m sure part of the problem is that when we met, she was independent and doing very well on her own. I think she now feels like she has become dependent on my income, and that makes her feel bad. Also, she went from working 60 hours/week to around 15. So she has much more extra time to enjoy life, but I think she feels guilty about it.

I’ve told her many times that the money is not important to me, she contributes so much more than a paycheck, and I’m much happier now that we can spend more time together. I think she understands that, but she is still hard on herself about it.

She’s not a money-grubbing person, but she has said she often thinks about all the money she has given up by quitting her high paying job and how much better off we would be financially if she stayed there. But, luckily, she remembers how awful the work was and knows she does not want to go back to such a stressful job.

I was wondering if anyone might have some advice on how I can make her feel better about her contributions to our relationship. She knows that I’m so much happier with our current situation, but she still has issues with it internally. I don’t know what else to do other than to keep telling her how much better things are now, even with less income. If anyone has experienced this (on either side), I’d love to hear how you dealt with it.. Thank you!

TLDR: My wife’s income decreased quite a bit. While we are doing fine financially, she said she often feels sad that she doesn’t contribute as much anymore and feels that she has become dependent on me. I’m looking for advice on how to convince her that she contributes more than her fair share.. ​

Edit: I wanted to say thank you so much for all of the replies! Also, there are a couple of questions I figured I’d try to explain here: Why did she cut her hours down so drastically (60/wk to 15/wk)?

While she was working at her old job, we decided we wanted to start a family. The ideal situation was for her to get a low-hour, flexible, work-from-home job so she could be a stay at home mom with a little bit of income on the side.

This job popped up and it seemed almost perfect for us. Unfortunately, the baby has not come as quickly as we had hoped (which we knew was a possibility). So we are kind of in l**bo where she doesn’t want to quit her current job or start a new full-time job because she could get pregnant at any time. Can she increase her hours from 15 to XX?

Without going into much detail, her job essentially gives her “tasks” each week. They vary in difficulty, but usually take her about 6-7 hours each. She normally gets two a week, but occasionally they have an extra for her. Unfortunately, her employer does not have enough tasks to steadily give her 3+ each week. So she’s kind of maxed out where she’s at. They are flexible in that she can request to only get one (or even zero for a short time) task a week.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

DotComCTO −  I’d also remind her that there’s more to “contributing” to the relationship than just money. I had a job some time back where I earned a great living, but the stress levels were so high that I literally had panic attacks some days! I eventually left that situation for my own sanity, and now I’m in a place where I earn less, but I’m so much happier.

The lower stress made it so I could be a better husband and father. That was (and is) worth so much more than money! Health (and mental health) money.

flythisforme_ −  Communication is key, so in your shoes, I’d try reminding her of the things you said here. There are many more ways to contribute outside of financially and it sounds like she’s awesome at it. My advice would be to make sure you’re verbally appreciative and hopefully this will help her feel better.

asusc −  Can she volunteer her legal skills to a charity and a cause that she cares about? It might not bring in more income but it could provide her with a sense of fulfillment to get her through this career change.

nicskoll −  Perhaps she would benefit from seeing a therapist for a little while. Such a major change in income and working hours (especially if it was very important to her /felt like part of her identity) could feel a bit like a loss of self.

Xxeel −  You say she keeps the household running by doing all the errands – how about increasing verbal affirmation of these things so she feels like she is contributing? Saying things like “wow, did you clean? The house looks amazing” or if she cooks “wow this meal is great, I really love coming home to a hot meal” might help her realize she is truly contributing.

It isn’t your fault at all that she feels this way, but maybe it could help if you went out of your way to help her realize that that is not true. I also read that you plan on having a child soon – she may feel differently once she is busy raising a baby. It sounds like you two really love each other and you sound like you care a lot about her happiness, which is very sweet! I hope in time your wife will realize that money is not the only contribution you can make to a household.

HotDickens −  feeling guilty about productivity is a capitalist mindset that needs to be challenged every time it comes up. Individual therapy will help her separate her value as an employee and help her value herself as a human being without having to be a type a income provider.

my partner is disabled, chronically ill, cant find work and he definitely struggles with the productivity myth. I just remind him i value him as a person, as long as hes doing something hes ambitious about something, i dont care if it makes money. Some days are better than others, but i think if she goes to therapy and starts filling her free time with her interests, she’ll feel less guilty 🙂 maybe suggest volunteering?

nanon_2 −  Going from a 50-60 hour lawyer job to 15 hrs/week is a huge change in life style and also mental stimulation/challenge that housework can’t replace. This maybe unpopular opinion but your wife needs to find a job that challenges her more and leaves her feeling validated and honestly that keeps her more occupied.

If her current job was truly keeping making her feel validated and like she has a purpose, she wouldn’t feel the way she does, regardless of the money. An idle mind finds a way to cut itself to shreds fixating on things. House hold chores cannot be purpose enough for people with active minds, especially with no kids.

I’m not going to tell you to tell her to find a hobby because that’s super patronizing and a waste of potential. Tell her she needs to work more hours in this thing that she says she likes. Or else, search for a full time job that gives her balance and allows her to meet her professional /life goals. She obviously needed a break to recover from her demanding job, it’s now time to figure out the next step. Good luck.

molson5972 −  Did she not like the job of being an attorney itself or the place/ type of law that she practiced? What I’m getting at is I think there are options where she could utilize her degrees while working less. Otherwise seeing a therapist may help

terracottatilefish −  My husband gave up his soul-destroying but high-paid attorney job when I started making enough money to support us and after going solo for a while, is now a full time SAHD. I can tell he has some of the same feelings even though I totally support him staying home.

I suspect there are a lot of things tied up in this beyond just wanting to feel “productive”. She’s probably gotten a lot of validation along the way for being smart and hardworking and “doing something” challenging like law. If you have a lot of your self-image tied up in your work, as a lot of people in prestigious careers do, it can be hard to lose that external validation, especially if she’s got friends who are still in law or medicine or whatever.

Similarly, giving up career/income is a high-risk choice for people, especially women. It certainly can be the right choice, as it has been for us, and it sounds like you have a strong marriage, but every woman has heard stories about someone who was home with the kids for 20+ years and whose marriage broke down unexpectedly leaving her 15 years from retirement with no real prospects for making more than a bare-bones income.

She’s still working, but would she be able to support herself and your kids if you died, or if you guys divorced? It can be hard for people to articulate those thoughts to a spouse they love and are happy with. In any case, I think teasing out the real reasons may be helpful for her to strategize solutions.

Like, it won’t help for her to keep a time sheet of how much time she spends on doing the dishes or taking the kids to activities if the underlying issue is “I don’t feel that I’m using my brain” or “I feel like my friends look down on me” or “I’m worried that I’ve fallen off a ‘career’ trajectory and can’t get back on.”

ConsistentCheesecake −  Is there anyway she could find a 40 hours/week job, rather than careening wildly from 60 hours down to 15? She might be happier if she worked a more “normal” amount of time. My only other suggestion is therapy for her.

Have you ever struggled with feelings of inadequacy in a relationship or had to reassure a partner in a similar situation? How would you navigate this delicate balance? Share your thoughts below!