My (36M) husband (31F) wants me to be ok with inviting exwife to Christmas. How do I navigate this?

A 36-year-old man is struggling with his new marriage, as his wife (31) feels overshadowed by his ex-wife, especially during holidays. His family has started inviting the ex to gatherings, making her feel uncomfortable and excluded.

Despite expressing her concerns, he refuses to set boundaries with his ex-wife, leading to feelings of betrayal and questioning their future. Read the full story below.

‘ My (36M) husband (31F) wants me to be ok with inviting exwife to Christmas. How do I navigate this?’

I got married a few months ago to a man with three sons. I am struggling with finding where I fit in his life and family. We have been having problems because i feel as though he has no boundaries with his ex. I so badly want to have a family of my own that is not overshadowed by the life he created with his ex.

She is involved in the kids life in a great way. I am struggling due to the fact that his family has begun inviting her to the holidays. The first year we were dating, she was not invited to any of the holidays (easter, thanksgiving, christmas, etc). But this year she was invited to thanksgiving and now christmas that we are having with his family.

At thanksgiving, I felt very overshadowed and I feel as though I cannot integrate into his family due to her constantly trying to be the center of attention. She is best friend’s with husbands sister in law and they very much leave me out. Sister in law has always been cold towards me.

At the beginning of our relationship, I thought it was due to her just being quiet natured, so I took no offense. I thought it was her personality, but now as I have watched things unfold, I think it is due to her not wanting me to be part of the family vs wishing ex was still with my husband.

At thanksgiving, it was very hard watching the two set up for the festivities and cook together. I told my husband before the holiday that I did not want to celebrate our holidays with her if we have the children. I see no point.

I told him I was fine with her being invited if she had the kids because I would never want to deny him of seeing his kids on the holidays. He said that he cannot tell his family members (sister in law and mom) not to invite her to things.

I told him that I do not feel as though he is standing up for our relationship and for the decision that we made to be husband and wife. She makes me uncomfortable because she tried her hardest to sabotage our relationship in the beginning and said very upsetting things to me.

I tried to move past that, but an event happened where she invited me to dinner and I agreed because I wanted to be friends, but when I was walking out of the door to meet her, she texted me and uninvited me and said she was going with friends instead.

This really hurt my feelings on a deep level, mainly because I was truly looking for a friendship with her and I felt rejected. I also think that I feel uncomfortable around her because my husband never stood up for me. Every time I had an issue, he would say that I can either accept the situation or he would leave me.

So combined with the feelings that my husband won’t stand up to her, won’t tell his family to stop inviting her to holidays, and his sister in law and ex leaving me out, I really do not want to spend holidays with her when we have the kids.

His mom has invited her to celebrate christmas day with us (we already have custody of kids this christmas so regardless whether she comes or not, we will see the kids).

I told my husband many times before she was invited that I wanted him to have a conversation with his family that he and I needed to celebrate holidays without her for a bit (not even saying forever) so that I can integrate into their family and build relationships with them because right now I feel like an outsider to a family.

We were recently married, and I just want to be in the newlywed phase and carefree and not uncomfortable at every holiday. I am sure i will feel more comfortable once I establish my own relationships with his family.

Husband said that he would absolutely not ask any of his family members to put a hold on inviting ex wife for a little while until i can bond with his family. There was another instance where his mom planned a “family dinner” with all his siblings invited along with his ex wife.

I was invited, but she knew that I had to work. The fact that he had a “family dinner” with his ex and family while I was away working disgusts me. This is making me question our future. For some reason it feels like a huge betrayal. I do not want to spend my life in the shadow of another woman.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Aggressive_Cup8452 −  Read this and your previous responses about this. She cheated but seems like he and his family forgave and are willing to take her back. He’s not standing up for you or your relationship and is even willing to leave you over this. “Every time I had an issue, he would say that I can either accept the situation or he would leave me.”

You are financially capable of taking care of yourself. 31.. so have enough time to meet and love someone that loves values and prioritize you back. Cause.. thus ain’t it.. Leave him to his cheating ex. Dont live in regret like he’s doing.

chace_thibodeaux −   I am struggling with finding where I fit in his life and family. This is something you both should have worked out *before* you got married. They share children, so she is part of his family and will always be so.

This is making me question our future. For some reason it feels like a huge betrayal. I do not want to spend my life in the shadow of another woman.. Then it’s time to get this brief marriage annulled.

ChloeBee95 −  I mean you shouldn’t have married him in the first place tbh. This won’t get better even if he speaks to his family because he clearly doesn’t care and neither do they.

Mindless-Yellow634 −  Why on earth did you marry this man? Neither him or his family give a damn about you. When he said accept it or leave, that is the point you should have left !

Champion_Flight −  Stop playing the victim while your marriage crumbles in slow motion. Your husband isn’t failing to “stand up” to anyone – he’s CHOOSING to prioritize his ex-wife and his family’s comfort over your legitmate need to build your own place in this family.

When he says “accept it or I’ll leave you,” that’s not just a threat, it’s a preview of your entire future (and spoiler alert: it looks preeetty miserable). You’re not being oversensitive about the “family dinner” situation.

Your mother-in-law deliberately planned it when you couldn’t attend, and your husband went along with it like an obedient puppy. Wake tf up! They’re sending you a crystal clear message about where you rank in the family hierarchy.

Listen sis, blended families are complicated af, but this goes wayyy beyond healthy co-parenting. Your husband is letting his ex live rent-free in your marriage while you’re paying the emotional mortgage. You tried being friends with her (which was mature af btw), and she literally uninvited you to dinner just to flex her power.

Now she’s playing happy families with your in-laws while you’re pushed to the sidelines? Time to stop asking nicely and start setting some hard boundaries. Either your husband starts treating you like his WIFE, or you need to seriously consider whether this marriage is worth saving. You didn’t sign up to be an understudy in your own life.

Razszberry −  I hate to say this but: the only reason you are there is so he can show her he can pull someone else. He isn’t standing up for you because your presence isn’t there for making him happy, it is to rub her nose in it.

I’m sorry op, pick up your dignity and leave this man. He isn’t worth it. You deserve to be more than a temporary place holder until the scorned man decides to drop you for his ex.

Greyeyedqueen7 −  You’re the side chick. He doesn’t have to give in to her or refuse to stand up for you with his family (who are okay with her cheating?!?). He chooses to. You aren’t important to him, so you’re the side chick despite being his wife. Time to leave.

Quiet_Village_1425 −  So your husband doesn’t have your back. Well you only wasted two years of marriage on him. It’s not going to change if you want to be married long term. Rethink your relationship and is it worth keeping if you have to endure his ex forever. I would bail now before you have kids and are trapped.

dart1126 −  You don’t want to hear this, but, it won’t get better. He’s telling you that. He won’t change what’s going on because he doesn’t want to, simple as that, and he doesn’t care that you don’t like it.

Do you want that for the rest of your life? No. You deserve better. Don’t think this is normal, how all blended families work, have to navigate. This is another level, and they are all determined to keep you in the basement.

FrostingDefiant7510 −  What I don’t understand is what are you doing there? Clearly everyone, including your husband, is telling you that you are not needed there 🙁

It’s clear that maintaining a balance between family dynamics and protecting your relationship is difficult. How would you navigate this? Should one partner make compromises to maintain harmony, or should boundaries be firmly set? Share your thoughts below!