My (36M) family is upset I’m ‘prioritizing’ my BIL over my niece after my sister (27F) cheated.

A 36-year-old man is caught in a family conflict after his sister’s affair resulted in her daughter’s paternity being questioned. His brother-in-law, Tom, is devastated after discovering he is not the biological father of his daughter Jane, and he is struggling to stay involved in her life.

The OP has been supporting Tom through this difficult time, allowing him to stay at his place and helping him navigate communication with Jane’s biological father, Bill. The family is upset with the OP, accusing him of prioritizing Tom and Bill over his niece. The OP seeks advice on whether his stance is wrong or if he should back off to avoid further conflict.

‘ My (36M) family is upset I’m ‘prioritizing’ my BIL over my niece after my sister (27F) cheated.’

My sister ‘Mary’ (27F) met her husband ‘Tom’ (29M) when she was attending college out of state and he was stationed near her campus with the Army. After he got out she dropped out of school so they could move to our homestate at her request so we’ve been the only family he’s had here. They have a 3 year old daughter ‘Jane’.

Not long ago a guy, call him Bill, reached out to Tom on FB and told him that he saw my sister has a 3 year old kid and that there’s a possibility my niece may be his child. He and my sister had been having an affair from the time they moved home until shortly after she found out she was pregnant.

He had to move away for work and my sister never mentioned the pregnancy to him, or that she was married. Tom confronted Mary and eventually she admitted to the affair. Two paternity tests later, it was confirmed my niece is not Tom’s child. He has been devastated. Bill wants to be in Jane’s life, but my sister and family are staunchly against this.

They say Jane already has a dad, Tom. Tom has been going to counseling since biodad first reached out to him, and he just cannot see Jane the way he used to or be around her, or talk about her, without breaking down. He says it hurts too much and he feels like his life has been based on a lie, nor can he really imagine staying in her life with Bill around.

Since they separated, I have been letting Tom stay at my place since he has no family here. My sister thinks I’m out of line letting Tom stay and that I’m depriving my niece of her uncle. She doesn’t want Jane here so long as I’m supporting Tom, fair I guess..and Tom has offered that he would go to friends’ or out if I wanted to babysit or spend time with my niece. Also fair.

Personally, I sympathize with Tom. I’m not an affair baby, but my mother was pregnant with me when she met my siblings’ father. He made the stipulation that he’d stick around but my bio-dad and biofamily could not be around, and my mother agreed. He treated me differently once my sister and brothers were born, and even more so after he and my mother divorced.

My paternal family reached out eventually and I learned the truth, and I got to know them. This pissed off my ‘adopted’ dad to no end, and his family as well. Said it was a slap in the face that I would even want to know my other family. They were my family and it was ungrateful of me to forsake all of that.

I don’t want my niece to possibly go through that…getting stuck between families is the worst. So I’ve been helping Tom find out more about Bill and mediating between them when they talk. Bill seems like a real stand up guy with positive people around him, and wants to take my sister to court for custody, and BIL as well to get taken off the birth certificate.

I support both of them in these decisions and have offered to help if they need it. My sister is mad at me but I have told her and our family that she should only be mad at herself, none of this would even be happening even she hadn’t played Eenie Meenie Miney Mo with her kids’ dad.

My family thinks I am prioritizing Tom and Bill over my own niece, that I should be shaming him for abandoning his daughter, and that I am turning my back on her, but, I don’t think I am. I also think that Tom deserves some kind of support through all of this. I could really use some outside perspective, is this really an wrong stance for me to take? Or should I back off because my family is right about Tom needing to stick around and shun Bill?

See what others had to share with OP:

RazMoon −  Stand firm OP. You are a good person. Keep standing tall. This whole situation is on your sister’s head but she’s trying to blame you for supporting two of the three victims of her shenanigans. It sounds like you are the s**pegoat of the family. You are not putting the two men above your niece. Your sister is weaponizing her. She is the one not allowing you to see her.

Don’t buy into their m**ipulative BS. Your sister could very easily set up times where you can visit your niece, go on an outing to the park for example, etc. She is the one putting the kabosh on this. I find it admirable that you are ultimately benefiting your niece by clearing up her paternity situation and allowing her bio-Dad to claim his rights to her.

I especially find it admirable that you are supporting your BIL after the massive betrayal that he has endured via your sister’s hand. Keep walking tall and don’t lower yourself to your ‘family’s’ non existent ethics.

jazscam −  Sorry, your sister needs to (figuratively) be set on fire, she is the reason this happened. Paternity fraud, cheating, lying… just scum. There are 3 victims here, Jane, Tom and Bill. I understand Tom’s position, I don’t think I could raise another man’s child. I honestly believe it would be my worst nightmare if my son wasn’t mine.

It doesn’t matter what your family thinks, Bill has rights, he is going to be involved, they need to deal with this. It seems everything he has done is honorable, reaching out must have been hard. This has got to be awful for Jane, my heart breaks for her, luckily there are still a large number of people fighting to be involved.

I think she is going to be okay, fortunately she is really young too. What a piece of s**t Mary is. I hope you are doing okay, you sound like a fantastic uncle.

[Reddit User] −  All of this is literally her fault. She does not get to decide what you do.

gobsmacked247 −  Your family is supporting the woman who cheated on her husband, had a baby with another man, and never told anyone. They don’t get a say. I find it just disgusting that their argument is that you don’t get to see your niece if Tom is living with you.

They don’t seem to have a problem with your niece not seeing Tom, the only dad she’s known, or FFS, her newly revealed bio dad. Your want to support Tom and mediate with Bill is admirable OP!!! You are a good person.

dexter1437 −  Your sister doesn’t get to decide who she wants on her side. It’s your choice to support who you want too. Your family showed true colours after your half siblings were born and now they are acting as if you were their family when you are supporting your BIL and your niece’s bio dad. What you did is right your family is full of narrccissistic assholes.

Fun_Tax2283 −  You’re a good man, OP. Stand your ground. Don’t let Tom fall to a sad state. Be there for him. Disregard what your sister and family have to say.

EggplantIll4927 −  SO the family wants to pretend Tom is the father although he’s the victim. They want Bill to go away although he is the father. That’s pretty f’d up and no one is considering the child. She deserves to know her true bio dad and he absolutely deserves to have custody over the lying cheater sister. Lovely how they want to blame you vs the sister that cheated than spent 3 years covering up her deceit

sqitten −  Your position actually seems best for the child. Someone who wants to be the child’s father is a much better father for your niece than someone who is going to be bitter and resentful. You can’t shame somebody into loving someone and you can’t shame somebody into not being in pain.

I don’t see how shaming Tom helps anything, and he’s a victim of this situation, not the cause. Admittedly, it is deeply, deeply unfortunate the timing of the situation. This is a very bad age for your niece to have a transition of a primary caregiver. But there isn’t really anything that can be done about that now.

BirdWise2851 −  Honestly your family is full of assholes and you’re the only reasonable one. Keep helping out Tom and Bill because it will ultimately mean an easier future for your niece.

[Reddit User] −  Ideally, Tom would still want to be in Jane’s life because 3 years of raising and bonding with a child isn’t nothing. Though I understand if he ultimately couldn’t with your family acting the way they are. But ultimately, there’s a big mess that will need worked out here. Tom is likely on the birth certificate, which means that legally he’s on the hook for custody/child support.

However, with the paternity tests, Bill has a legal standing to be allowed into his daughter’s life, which I’m guessing is going to take your family by surprise if he decide to pursue that. I am sorry for the way your family has and is treating you. It’s so sad that these people think having more family and support is somehow lesser thing.

As for whether you should back off – that has to be your decision because you’re the one who has to face whatever consequences. The consequence could be that you get entirely cut off from this family including your niece. Is that a decision you’re willing to make? It would certainly be understandable if it is, but cutting off family is a big decision, and only you can decide if you’re ready for something like that right now.