My (35F) husband’s (34M) dedication to Freemasonry is destroying our marriage and his life. How do I get this across to him?

A woman (35F) is concerned about her husband’s (34M) overwhelming dedication to Freemasonry, which has started to negatively impact their marriage, his health, and his career.

Despite being supportive of his interest in the Masons, she feels that it’s taking over his life, leaving little room for their relationship or his well-being. She’s seeking advice on how to approach him without seeming jealous or accusatory. Read the full story below.

‘ My (35F) husband’s (34M) dedication to Freemasonry is destroying our marriage and his life. How do I get this across to him?’

Hi there, long-time reader but a first time poster. The long and short is that my for about six years now my husband has been a Freemason and I’ve always supported him on this. My grandfather was a Freemason so it’s not really ‘new’ to me or anything and I don’t believe in any of the c**spiracy crap you find online.

But I’m starting to think it may not be the best for him. My grandpa always used to say it went Family, Work, Masonry but in my husband’s case its more Masonry, Masonry, Masonry, then Family, then Work, then Masonry again.

He attends Lodge nearly *every* night (For context my grandpa would go a couple times a month) and yet he’s only a Fellow Craft so not a part of the add-on things like the Scottish Rite or Shriners or anything. I genuinely don’t know how he has the stamina for it because I’m a part of an improv theatre club and frankly every other week is enough.

Some times he’s gone for hours, other times an hour or even less. When I ask him what he’s doing he gets defensive and says he can’t tell me because he has to maintain secrecy.

I knew full well there’d be some ‘lessons’ and ceremonies I wouldn’t exactly be getting a front row seat for but I don’t think it’s that unfair I ask what he could be possibly doing that occupies him practically daily. Hell some days when he comes back early, he goes to his man cave do to *more* work for them.

Apparently he’s volunteered to do admin work for his Grand Lodge but like…when does it end? He doesn’t get paid for any of this and he *spends* so much on dues to actually do this!

I’ve even tried to get involved via the OES (something I’ve always wanted to be a part of) but he point blank shut it down and said that we can only look into that when he becomes a Master Mason which is apparently still “years away”.

And it’s not even just our marriage it’s affecting, some weeks he’s out so late with his Lodge buddies, he doesn’t take care of himself. There’s been times he hasn’t worn clean clothes or shaved and plenty of times he’s gone into work without showering.

Sometimes he doesn’t even go into work and just calls in hours late to say he’s been called for urgent lodge business. His boss is too good to him and let’s it slide because he’s genuinely blown away my husband’s in the Masons and thinks these meetings must be dead important.

Like I get a lot of these guys are going to be retired but Jesus Christ surely they have to know how it works? It’s making a bad impression with people and I genuinely can’t remember the last time we did a thing together as a couple.

Plus our bedroom has been dead for at least a year which I’ve sort of put up with because I have a low libido but I guess it’s just another symptom. Every time I ask him to do *anything* he just tells me he’s too tired.

I guess how do I get it across to him his Masonic life needs to slow down. It’s not even affecting just me, it’s affecting our whole lives but I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t want him to leave the Masons just…maybe calm it down a little so we have our lives back.

How can I get this across to him without seeming that I’m jealous of the secrets or I want to worsen the wedge between us. Btw I did actually email the WM his Lodge to just say I’m kind of worried for him but I’ve not heard back yet and if they’re all this active not sure how much help he’ll be. Thanks for any advice!

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Tirannie −  Likely reasons for his behaviour:. 1. Substance abuse disorder. 2. Has a night family. 3. Joined an actual cult. Unlikely reasons for his behaviour: 1. He’s attending lodge meetings every night

Tazno209 −  High cost of dues, gone EVERY night, disheveled, unshowered, missing work= substance abuse or gambling addiction
Gone EVERY night, high cost of dues= cheating and/or has a second family. OP, he’s not at the Masons. You have big problems here. I’d get a PI because he is going to lie to you.

SkyXIV −  Are you actually sure this is where he’s going every night? Or do you think he’s cheating? Because honestly it sounds like cheating.

chez2202 −  My dad was a Freemason for over 50 years. I agree that there is a lot of secrecy involved in the system but your husband is misleading you. I know this because of both my mum and dad being honest with me in case I ever felt the need to join them (I’m female so I don’t think I could join on my own and probably wouldn’t anyway).

First of all, every lodge has a separate women’s lodge and you don’t have to be a master Freemason for your wife to participate. Any regular Freemason automatically has permission for his wife to join. There is a short ceremony where you accept their commitment to support the organisation and that’s it.

My dad nominated his best friend and he was accepted. 2 months later his friend’s wife joined. Secondly. Freemasonry is not a nightly activity. It’s more often weekly or fortnightly here in England.

Thirdly. Freemasonry is very family oriented. They don’t exist to be a brotherhood and to take men away from their wives and children. They don’t meet daily, at least here in England. Family is extremely important to them and if your husband is saying that he is going there every night he is lying.

Which of his friends nominated him to become a member? You cannot be a Freemason without a nomination. Ask the friend what’s going on with your husband. Whatever he is doing every night of the week, I can pretty much guarantee it’s not this.

GreatResetBet −  Umm literally one of the FIRST teachings in Freemasonry is about life balance and there’s usually a discussion with the spouse of new candidates regarding time expectations. Either this post is complete b**lshit – or your husband is a shameful excuse for a freemason.

Ruthless_Bunny −  He hears you. He doesn’t care. As others have pointed out, this isn’t a Freemasonry thing, it’s a lying husband thing
But let’s assess. You could go all Magnum PI on him…or, you can decide that even on the FACE of it, it’s not what you want and you can d**p him based on that.

“I want a spouse who is devoted to me and our family, not someone who’s out all hours, every day. Either you scale back to once a week, or we can divorce and you can spend all of your time on your lodge.”

And rolling into work in yesterday’s clothes? That’s not going to fly if it’s a regular thing. And no Freemason I e ever know. Has that in their Bongo card. But you’re not naive enough to believe this b**lshit are you?

ZombieHealthy2616 −  I’m not sure he’s just involved with masonry. It sounds like he has addiction issues. I’m pretty sure masons are supposed to care for their physical bodies as one of the priorities.

AlternativePrior9559 −  I just read your update OP, you must be out of your mind by now. I hope you get to the bottom of what’s been going on. My gut instinct that is that drugs are involved and possibly he’s seeing someone else.. I’m so sorry. Updateme

drowning_in_sarcasm −  He’s abusing substances 100%.. Source: I’m an addict in recovery.

lethal_iguana −  RemindMe! 1 week

Balancing personal interests with relationship commitments is a delicate matter. How do you think she should approach her husband to help him see the impact of his Masonic involvement? What steps could he take to restore balance in his life? Share your thoughts and advice below.