My (34F) partner (30M) used to be severely punished until he was 20. It leads to a lot of weird behaviours and I wonder if there’s a way to help him?

A Reddit user (34F) is seeking advice on how to help her partner (30M), who exhibits signs of trauma from a childhood of severe punishment and psychological abuse. His past experiences have led to anxiety, excessive apologizing, lying about small things, and an intense fear of making mistakes.

These behaviors have started to affect their relationship, and the user wants to support him while encouraging him to seek professional help. She shares examples of his behavior, including a recent incident where a joking comment about spanking triggered an emotional breakdown. To read the full story and see how others have responded, continue below.

‘ My (34F) partner (30M) used to be severely punished until he was 20. It leads to a lot of weird behaviours and I wonder if there’s a way to help him?’

So long story short, his parents used a lot of corporal punishment on him, as well as psychological abuse. Fast forward to now he is basically scared of everything and basically presenting sometimes very odd behaviours, a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. I am a bit older and already went through my own therapy so I see some patterns in his behaviour that are unhealthy.

I see that the closeness in relationship triggers him a lot.. I will give few examples. I am already experienced IT professional and he asked me if I could teach him some basic Python. He has mechanical engineering degree and is super smart but coding is just not his thing. So we started with basics, I explained and asked him to make a small code.

I kid you not, he spend like 6 hours in front of computer for those 10 lines. I was put grocery shopping and having coffee with a friend, came back and he was making all kinds of excuses to not show me the code. When I pressed him, he admitted he didn’t get what I was explaining and said he couldn’t finish.

I saw his face and couldn’t get why is he so scared to tell me this. It shocked me because I thought it was something fun to do, to learn from eachother. He apologises for everything. Like is he spill water on himself, drops a pen on the floor, laughs too loud. At some point this started to annoy me because those are most normal things in life, it doesn’t require an apology.

I asked him why and he said it’s because his parents have beaten him all the time. I didn’t take it seriously at that moment. He is lying is some small things, like for example he goes to a small supermarket to get himself chips but he says he needs fresh air. Because he doesn’t want to say he gets chips.

This one drives me crazy because those are small things, completely unimportant. If he makes “big mistake” in his eyes, like breaking a plate, his basically shaking from fear. I can see it on his face he’s genuinely terrified of what’s gonna happen. I think I reached a point where I realised he needs help last weekend.

We were in the kitchen, cooking together and the lid of salt shaker was not well closed so the whole container ended up in my stew. Basically whole pot was to be thrown away. It’s a pity but not the end of the world, at least in my eyes. When I cleaned up, he said he is sorry, I jokingly said I will have to spank him and then all hell broke lose, he started crying.

When he calmed down he admitted he was spanked for basically everything until age of 20 !!!! A lot to unpack. I know his parents, they are also pretty mean. Mean to the point they really don’t see it, it so natural for them. For example we were driving his parents to a family party and his father started to criticise my driving skills.

I am an experienced driver, I did over 200k miles on my own since I had my license at 18 so I know what I am doing. After 15 minutes I pulled over and said that if he doesn’t shut up, I will leave him alone in the middle of nowhere and he can walk. He was genuinely shocked that someone called him out on his b**lshit.

So anyway, I am seeking advice what to do. Obviously a professional help but maybe some advice in day to day interactions?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Ok_Cherry_4585 −  Bro needs serious therapy.

ThrashingDancer888 −  He has PTSD from the trauma of his abuse. Please, in the future, do not make jokes about punishing him as you can see, it triggers his trauma. I feel so heartbroken for him. He needs therapy, so he can learn how to live a normal life and see how normal families function.

Please encourage him to get therapy and distance himself from his family. He needs to know he’s been abused. Everyone in life has crap they have to work on in therapy from their parents, but this is next level. Poor guy. 

Creepy_Push8629 −  He needs professional help. And you at the most be low contact with his parents. No contact is even better.

Dairinn −  Why is he still in contact with his abusers? Their presence in his life keeps him a victim. You seem very no-nonsense and can hold your own against those trash people, which is great, but can you see how he has chosen for a partner someone slightly older and more authoritarian than himself.

mymindmaze −  I think you need to tell him directly what you observed, and that you are concerned for him and don’t want him to live in constant anxiety over the smallest mistake. He has a lot to unpack, he is still in denial if he thinks it “did him good”. Ask him if that is what he would do to his child, and maybe he will realise that in fact that behaviour is not ok.

Do you want kids? If so, how would he educate them? This will become a lot more relevant if you want to have children together. If he is an engineer, maybe he will listen to reason. Give him some articles about the impact of corporal punishment and some resources for therapy. Ask if he wants help setting up a first appointment.

I am sorry he went through this, but you sound like a lovely partner. Something that might help between you two is say that you will never hurt him because he made a mistake. That even if you are upset, you will get over it and the relationship will survive. Each time he makes a small mistake remind him of what you said so his brain can see that nothing bad happened to him.

watsonyrmind −  I don’t really understand why you didn’t take it seriously the first time but now that you are, be more respectful of your boyfriend’s trauma. Never ever make a joke about abuse or physical punishment again. You might benefit from couples’ counselling as well as the counsellor would be able to work together with you on how to help him heal through your relationship dynamic.

Specific advice on that is probably above reddit’s paygrade, tbh. I honestly think you need to take a long hard look at why you didn’t take it seriously for so long, going so far as to make a very insensitive joke. You might be insensitive in other ways that you aren’t realizing, and you’ll want to catch on to those before you really trigger him again.

If you are still in therapy, you could discuss that with your therapist. It’s common for men’s feelings not to be taken seriously, and it seems you have fallen into that trap. Your boyfriend needs someone who is more in tune with his feelings and reactions as he won’t always be able to communicate them openly.

ladypartsmcgee −  This man has CPTSD. He was trapped his whole life in fear responses and now his nervous system is highly dysregulated. Let’s image the capacity for losing your s**t is 100 points. Well for him, I bet something like heard a door shut or footsteps down the hall elevate his heartrate and put him at 50 points already.

He doesn’t have the tools yet or know how to come back down from that 50, so he operates on that 50 points for the day, until another door closes or someone says something that triggered an emotional flashback and he’s at like 10 points now. What helps is slowness and him developing an awareness that he really is afflicted by a dysregulated nervous system from his years of trauma.

Even if he doesn’t buy it as trauma, the “animal” portion of him and his body know what they know. I’d highly recommend trauma therapy (I generally haven’t seen great progress with CBT therapy and CPTSD issues) and reading/listening to the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it’s usually the eye-opener for a lot of folks in his situation because it’s so damn spot on.

Vivid-Access7555 −  Therapist here, your bf sounds like he has what we call complex trauma. This is due to prolonged trauma over the years he was abused. He needs long term therapy such as trauma focused CBT and EMDR . It’s great he has you for support but my advise would be he needs to limit contact with his parents if he doesn’t want to fully cut contact.

You could possibly support him more by identifying his triggers and avoiding them and also looking at what helps him stay grounded/calm. 

procrastinating_b −  Your only like four years older than him why are you talking like your so mature but then you make the spanking joke 😭😭

Quillhunter57 −  I think you are not remotely qualified to help him, he needs a good therapist and he needs to be ready to take that step. It is probably time to sit down with him and talk about your concern for his well-being and offer to help him find a therapist to work with.

Offer to be a safe space but also recognize that there is only so much you can do and if he isn’t interested in change, you might have to part ways.