My (34f) husband (30m) said I wasn’t attractive enough to cheat on him?

A 34-year-old woman shares an emotionally charged experience with her husband (30M). After a harmless encounter with an old boyfriend, her husband read their LinkedIn messages and became upset, accusing her of flirting.

During the argument, he made a hurtful comment, telling her she wasn’t “attractive enough” to cheat on him. This remark shocked her, as it was unlike anything he had ever said before. She feels deeply upset and is unsure how to address his words and behavior, wanting to understand what led to such an outburst.

‘ My (34f) husband (30m) said I wasn’t attractive enough to cheat on him?’

My husband is gorgeous. Everybody says so. I consider myself pretty but unremarkable. My features aren’t exactly supermodel material but I do the best I can with what god gave me. I have nice skin thanks to skincare, a decent body thanks to the gym, and so on. But Compared to my husband I might as well be a troll.

Even my own mom thought my husband must be gay and in the closet or hiding sketchy things because of how much more attractive he is than me. It’s the first thing people notice when we’re out. I’ve had women flirt with him right in front of me and have had two girls I know try to to get with him behind my back.

Even I question why he’s with me sometimes. I’m insecure about it but my husband has always said that he loved me and thought I was beautiful and to not listen to other people. Yesterday changed everything. I bumped into an old boyfriend from college. We parted on good terms and it turns out he’s doing very well for himself in his career.

I’m looking to change jobs and I’m pretty decent at what I do. We exchanged LinkedIns. There was nothing inappropriate about our conversation and I would have no problem if my husband was there to hear it. My husband started an argument the minute I came home.

He said he read through my LinkedIn message and swore my ex was flirting with me. I said he wasn’t. My husband then made fun of my ex’s looks and it was some of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard him say. I told him to stop and that we could talk when he wasn’t acting this way.

He said that if that guy became my coworker and I cheated on him. Then he scoffed and said you’re not attractive enough to cheat on me , not enough to keep me. I was speechless. He then slammed the door to our bedroom and locked me out for the night. I went to sleep on the sofa and woke up tucked into bed.

I can vaguely remember him waking me up. Today he was incredibly sweet and kissed me before going off to work. I can still remember the play by play of what happened but it’s like my memory was outside of my body. I have literally never heard him say something like that.

Ever. I feel so upset and uncomfortable. What do I say to him? How do I just ask him what was he thinking and what possessed him to say the things he did and if he really meant them?

See what others had to share with OP:

bee102019 −  As a therapist who has worked with some couples impacted by infidelity. I’m going to tell you two things. One, there is no pretty privilege when it comes to infidelity. Attractive people get cheated on every day. Unattractive people cheat every day too.

So your husband’s stance that you’re not attractive enough to cheat on him and that he’s “safe” because he’s attractive is nonsense. Two, your husband knows you. He knows your insecurities, and he knows what buttons to push. He knows you struggle with self confidence, and he saw that opportunity to poke at your soft spot,

and he went right on ahead and jabbed at it anyway. Part of marriage is being vulnerable with your partner about our insecurities, and he took that and had zero hesitation to use that against you in an argument. To me, that says a lot about a partner.

The wound he created with his careless words is twofold. Not only are you questioning the attraction between the two of you, but you’re also questioning the ability to be vulnerable with your own husband about your insecurities going forward.

revbuns −  Mask slipped

Ladymistery −  So…uh… you kinda blew by the whole “he was reading your linkedin while you were out”, what OTHER things is he going through without you knowing? How many times has he gone through your phone? “he ain’t pretty, he just looks that way” You need to have a conversation, and do NOT let him turn it around on you.

“well if you hadn’t ….” “you met up with your ex…” he’s going to be the sweetest, most wonderful husband who brings you flowers and does little things for you – this is called “love bombing” because he KNOWS he fucked up. Whether or not it’s because he’s setting you up for more abuse or not is the question

Flashy-Actuary-7821 −  No man who truly loves and cares for you would say something like that to you, especially over something like that. He was jealous, which can be understandable, but took absolutely zero time to listen to your side or even let you give any further explanation.

Today he was incredibly sweet and kissed me before going off to work. He is playing his game perfectly and winning. I hope you find someone who appreciates you for you, and finds you as beautiful as your friends find him.. Edit to add:

He is 30 years old acting like a 15 year old whose girlfriend wore leggings to school. He gets jealous and insecure so he makes her feel even worse. Is that really someone you want to spend your life with ? Just because it hasn’t happened before does not mean it won’t ever happen again, or even become more common in the future.

If you let him get away with the disrespect even once, he will keep up his power trip knowing you won’t do anything about it besides maybe yell at him, and your life will likely become a living hell with him.

grilledcheezntomato −  I think you know deep down the answer to your question, and nothing he could say would explain away the truth. Regardless of what he has said before, he has deep rooted feelings that he is more attractive and “better” than you.

I could never ever be vulnerable and feel loved if my husband said that to me. He should feel like you are a catch and the best thing that ever happened to him. There are some things that just can’t be unsaid.

Prudent_Present9640 −  Wow. So this is out of character for him? My most generous interpretation here is that he was jealous and, perhaps because he’s so attractive, is not used to that feeling and acted insane and cruel because he didn’t know how to manage that emotion.

That doesn’t make it OK, but it might make it something you can work through. A less generous interpretation is that your husband is controlling and a**sive — or headed down the path of being controlling and a**sive — and this was just a less subtle example of it. If you’ve seen any other controlling, a**sive, or m**ipulative behavior,

you need to GTFO as soon as you’re able to. Or maybe he has a brain tumor or had a weird reaction to medication or who knows what. But you’ll want to think *hard* about whether this is indicative of a pattern.

Talk to him about this and see what he has to say for himself, see if you’re satisfied by his explanation and the apology that *better* come along with it. That incident was only one data point in your years of being a couple, but it definitely has raised my hackles.

FIRE_flying −  Maya Angelo’s famous quote is famous for a reason. Have a long think if this is something you’re willing to put up with being thought about you by someone who promised to cherish you.

Ducky_andme −  If the person who promised to love me until the end of my days said this to me and locked me out of the room for the night the next word from me he’d hear would be from a divorce lawyer. And you need therapy to work on your self steem because no person in their right mind would put up with a partner being verbally a**sive like this.. idc how upset he was.

Ok-Commercial1152 −  He read through your messages then berated you within one minute of coming home? Did he read them before you got home? That’s crazy.