My 34 M girlfriend 32 F of 12 years said no when I proposed to her. what I do?
A Redditor shared their heartbreak after their girlfriend of 12 years rejected their marriage proposal, expressing a preference to keep their relationship as it is. While the Redditor loves her deeply, they feel conflicted about whether to continue the relationship, as they desire marriage.
Living together, and starting a family—goals that seem misaligned with hers. They’re seeking advice on navigating this delicate situation and understanding their girlfriend’s intentions. Read the original story below.
‘ My 34 M girlfriend 32 F of 12 years said no when I proposed to her. what I do? ‘
My girlfriend and I started dating when she was 20 and I was 22. Despite having been a couple for many years, we do not live together, I spend a lot of time in her apartment and sleep there almost all the time. She mentioned marriage after two years we started dating but then she stopped.
A week ago I proposed to her, bought her a ring and made her a romantic dinner, but she said she didn’t want to marry me. That she preferred our relationship to continue as it was before.
I’m almost 35, and I want to marry her, live together and start a family but now I don’t know what her plans really are. I don’t really know if I should continue the relationship or just break up. It hurts me, but I really love her and I don’t know what to do in this situation.
What would be the best way to approach this delicate situation with my girlfriend, considering our differences about marriage and our future plans together?
See what others had to share with OP:
soyasaucy − Y’all never talked about it in the 10 years you’ve been together after she brought it up in the beginning?
BigAsparagus9383 − You don’t know what hey plans are….. you’ve been with her for 12 years and you don’t know if she wants to get married or have kids?
Maze_C − Meh, it’s only been 12 years. Get to know each other a little better, perhaps.
[Reddit User] − You…talk to her? Like you should have before proposing? What do you mean that you “don’t know what her plans really are”? Have the questions of whether she ever wants children and whether she ever wants to get married not come up in the last ten years?
plastic_venus − I feel like you’re leaving a lot of stuff out here. Why doesn’t she want to live with you?
This_Grab_452 − Why the hell wasn’t there a discussion about the future in the last 10 years?! You absolutely should talk to her and put the cards on the table. However, reading between the lines, I think it’s safe to say that you two are incompatible. You want to get married. She declined your proposal and doesn’t even want to live together.
ellyp7 − I’m almost 35, and I want to marry her. do you want to marry her out of love or because you feel like you’re getting old, time’s running out and it’s a convenient time to settle down for you?
it doesn’t take 12 years to decide whether or not you want to marry someone. 2 years sound more reasonable to me and she probably got tired of waiting around
sarusagi − Honestly? I think she doesn’t care anymore. She brought it up two years in that she wanted to get married. That means she was thinking about it, probably hopeful and daydreaming about the day you might propose to her soon (at the time), but then you didn’t.
Also, it’s often said that it’s not a good look/offputting to continue to make a big deal about marriage to your partner so you can’t put it on her for not bringing it up again after that if you didn’t make any effort either.
In the 10 years since she first mentioned wanting to get married to you did you reciprocate her with a conversation? Did you tell her you did want a future, just wasn’t ready right now?
Or did you just make her wait with no sense of direction and just assumed she “should know” you’re serious because you guys have been together since your 20s? Either way, you continued up to twelve years together living separately,
but you seemingly making no moves to talk about joining your lives together in a basic way as moving in together but you come over as much as possible and chances are she got used to the situation which is why she currently doesn’t want you in her space as a permanent fixture, either.
Twelve years in she knows this is the relationship, and there’s probably doubt there’ll be much difference from the way things are now just because you get married, or, she’s probably just sick of the waiting and has completely lost interest.
There’s a chance she’s just comfortable with the way things are now, and you’ve reached the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” stage which will have been the results of BOTH your efforts (including lack of).
Truthfully I think you dropped the ball if at this point you have no idea what she wants and didn’t even bother try to feel her out with some form of “hey, how do you feel about settling down “for reals” finally?”
techramblings − Have you considered… *talking to her?* Seriously, just talk to her. Tell her you accept that she doesn’t want to get married, and ask her what she wants out of the relationship. Where does she see herself in 1, 2, 5, 10 years time?
I’d point out that it’s 2024; there’s absolutely no *requirement* to get married. Millions of people live quite happily in relationships where they aren’t married. Millions more even produce and raise children without getting married. It’s really not a big deal these days.
But if marriage is important to you, whether for cultural or religious reasons, then that’s something you need to talk to her about. Likewise, you need to find out whether she wants to have children with you or not.
And if it turns out that what you want from the relationship and what she wants are no longer compatible, then it’s for the best if you go your separate ways as amicably as possible.
**ETA:** I’m also wondering whether you and she have actually had ‘the marriage discussion’ at any point over the last 12 years. From the OP, it sounds like she mentioned it after 2 years,
then neither of them has mentioned it until last week when OP proposed. I can see, from her perspective, that a proposal *10 years after she mentioned marriage* might seem like a metaphorical slap in the face to her.
lmj1202 − The fact that you have been together 12 years and you didn’t know she’d say no to a marriage proposal, speaks volumes about how this relationship is.. It’s not a good look, bro.
Do you think the Redditor should prioritize their desire for marriage and family, or try to understand why their girlfriend feels differently after so many years together? How would you handle such a profound difference in long-term goals in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/Ocxeq