My (33M) parents (60F, 65M) live with me, but our relationship has suffered over the years. I’d like to ask them to leave, but how?

A Reddit user (33M) shared a deeply personal dilemma about living with his parents (60F, 65M), who are financially dependent on him but have created a toxic environment through their extreme views and emotionally abusive behavior. Despite his efforts to maintain harmony, he’s reached his limit and wants to ask them to leave while ensuring they won’t end up homeless. Read the full story below to understand his predicament.

‘ My (33M) parents (60F, 65M) live with me, but our relationship has suffered over the years. I’d like to ask them to leave, but how?’

My parents have struggled financially for their entire lives. At 18, I was fortunate to have an opportunity to immigrate and pursue higher education. Whatever little my parents could contribute, they did. Eventually, I obtained citizenship while pursuing my graduate degree. At this time, my parents and I were still close, but their views and opinions started to differ greatly. They were anti-LGBTQ and anti-science (I’m bi, and in STEM); so we had a few disagreements on things. My dad insisted that I sponsor their immigration. While it was a financial struggle for me, I managed to make things work and sponsored them.

Once they got here, I (and my partner at the time) thought they’d be more open minded, understand our lifestyles and our job. Instead, they started with wanting to control my schedule for meal times (to “eat as a family”) and then they had weekly rants regarding c**spiracy theories on the science we did or related science fields.

Within a month or two, my partner decided they didn’t want to be a part of this. It would be difficult to live together with them in a small apartment, but also more difficult to have them present in our lives. My partner didn’t deserve that. So we parted ways. 2 years living in a small apartment and sleeping in the couch, I let my parents stay while I finished my degree. Then got a good job and decent pay.

Now I own a home. They still live with me, and they’ve gotten much worse. They have made comments about people in my profession and other scientists and doctors should be executed; they’ve once said I should have been aborted; they have very extreme views. And I hear all of it; when I’m working from home, my colleagues can hear it in the background during meetings.

I have tried really hard for 7 years. They don’t earn any real income (retired and probably get $1000/month in retirement funds). So they are financially dependent on me. They also depend on me for transport and stuff. But I’m at my limit. I’ve also started dating someone for the past 3-4 years. And we want to move in together and start a life and maybe a family together. My partner does not deserve to have to deal with their nonsense. And I’m also starting to think I don’t either.

But I don’t know what to do or how to approach this. I don’t want to just kick them out and make them homeless or struggle. But also, they spend all this time being emotionally abusive and calling me names while I’m in another room. How can approach them, without making it combative? Or do I have no other option than to point out how poorly they’ve been over the years and how tired I am of it?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

JenninMiami −  Your parents said they wished they’d aborted you. They think people like you should be killed. So let them be dead to you! That’s what they want.

WildlyUninteresting −  Why didn’t the disrespectful comment of you being aborted lead to a comment to telling them that they can easily be on their own?. That’s a personal attack. Others are their personal beliefs that everyone gets to have. If they are saying it during your work time then they need to be respectful and stop or they need to know that your support will be ending. Your support is a kindness and you expect the same.

LifeRound2 −  “It’s not working out. The gravy train is over. There’s the door.”

DHitmontop44 −  OP you have to talk to them. You are not in the wrong for wanting to live your life. Open communication might not solve things, but it will give you closure and reassurance that you did everything you could. At the end of the day, we all have the same 24, regardless of age. It might be difficult talking openly, but you have to assert where you stand or this behavior will continue forever.

If they want to stay, then they’ll accept you, and if they don’t accept you (THEIR BLOOD SON), then they don’t want to stay. If you’re making good money, I would suggest looking into retirement home options or even buying them a decent trailer home or something. You don’t have to stop supporting them, but from your post, I doubt they will compromise their outlooks on life for the sake of your happiness and fulfillment.

RevolutionaryCow7961 −  I’m sorry but there is no way this isn’t going to get combative. Just lay your cards on the table. I think it’s a given(possibly based on your culture) that will not understand. They will most likely try to guilt you into allowing them to stay. They are disrespecting you and speaking where your colleagues can hear them. This is no way to live. Life can be difficult enough without dealing with this in your own home.

veek61 −  Oh, it’s going to be combative. No matter how delicately you present it, your parents will react selfishly and disrespectfully. They’ll use anger, and if that doesn’t work they’ll go for guilt, and after that they’ll just be downright hurtful. They’ve shown you who they are. I’m really sorry you’ve dealt with this for so long but they’re not going to change so give them advance notice (maybe 2-3 months?) and let them know that the living situation isn’t working for you anymore so they need to find another option.

Btw, I am 63 and my partner and I live with our daughter who is 32 and we have a great, respectful relationship – but I have reminded her that if it ever isn’t working for her for any reason at all, we will work with her to find an alternative. Living with other people is tough. And parents/adult children living together can be challenging because the roles and lines are sometimes blurry – but there should be no room for being hurtful and disrespectful. Deal k**ler.

Kubuubud −  If you feel bad, tell them that they have three months to move it and put it in writing. And when it’s a month away from move out day, give them a formal eviction notice. This way you’re giving them time to figure their s**t out but also making it clear that you’re 100% serious. They’re grown adults. It’s not your job to care for people who mistreat you and are hateful towards your identity.

Neweleni7 −  Go to target and buy two nice sets of matching luggage. Then go online and buy and print two one way tickets back to the homeland. Tell them it’s time they go back and visit their friends and family. If you are from a developing nation originally their retirement income should be about enough for a simple retirement there. You can even send them a couple of hundred a month. You will absolutely be ahead financially and emotionally and probably physically because I’m sure how they treat just take a toll on you!

letdogsvote −  Old world ways often don’t effectively transfer over to new world. That includes both social attitudes and prejudices, and expectations that the kids do everything for parents who, frankly, can work and take care of themselves. You need to distance yourself and set boundaries and hold to them. The question is how to make it happen effectively logistically. You should anticipate they will NOT take the news well and you will become Satan for even thinking of it.

honorthecrones −  If they are as extreme as you say, it will become combative. They pressured you into sponsoring them, bullied you into breaking off a relationship and ridicule your field. These just don’t sound like people who will have a reasonable discussion about their financial vulnerability without attempting to assert some level of superiority over you to compensate for their lack of a leg to stand on.

You are no longer legally responsible for them. I would start there. Tell them, don’t ask, that it is time to plan for how they move to a more independent living arrangement. You could try telling them that you see they are uncomfortable with your field and life choices and since you have no inclination to chose to leave either of those things, it would be a good idea to sort out a plan to transition them out of your home.

You will need to stay focused on the main plan. You are an adult. You are allowed to be independent. Your obligation to support them has already been met. They need to find another place to live. They will counter with “Fine! Toss us out on the street! You don’t care about our safety!” Your answer is, I do want you to be safe, which is why we are having this conversation. They will also bring up how they sacrificed everything for you. Which even if untrue can be replied to by “yes, you did raise me to be independent. Thank you for that. Now let me live independently.”