My (32F) husband (36M) became a robot and I don’t know how to help him.

A woman (32F) is concerned about her husband’s (36M) emotional well-being. Over the past few months, he has become increasingly distant and robotic. While he continues to fulfill his duties as a husband and father, he does so without joy or enthusiasm.

He used to be fun, joking, and engaging, but now he seems emotionally numb, leading his wife to suspect depression. Despite her attempts to talk to him, he insists everything is fine. Their intimacy has also become one-sided and lacks emotional connection. She feels helpless, unable to reach him and unsure how to help.

‘ My (32F) husband (36M) became a robot and I don’t know how to help him.’

We’ve been married for 6 years and have 2 kids I’m pregnant with a third. My husband works from 9-5, comes home, does his chores, plays with our 2 kids, talks to me for a little bit, and then goes to sleep. But he doesn’t seem to enjoy doing any of it. Like this whole thing is one big chore.

He used to be this goofy guy who smiled and told jokes all the time, but I haven’t seen the man smile in months. It’s not like he’s neglecting his duties as a husband and father, but he acts like it’s just that, duties. Like hanging with the kids and me is a second job.

I’m grateful for all he’s doing, and he makes all of our lives sooo much easier, but it’s like he’s constantly on the clock and I think he might be depressed.
I tried asking him if he was doing ok and he tells me he’s doing “fantastic”, but I know he’s not.

That’s the line he uses at work when customers try to make small talk and ask how he’s doing. He doesn’t take anytime for himself. He doesn’t take any breaks, he stopped playing games and stopped watching tv. He just does what I feel he thinks needs to be done and I don’t know how to help him out.

Our s** life has become one sided. We do it frequently but only because I initiate frequently. Even if he doesn’t seem in the mood he’ll do it. Like it’s his responsibility to “make me happy.” It feels like he isn’t there in the moment, like his mind is wandering the whole time we’re intimate and that, to me, feels worse than getting rejected.

I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know how to help because he won’t let me in. To anybody else he seems fine, but I know something is wrong and I don’t know how to fix this. I miss my husband, the guy who complained, and told jokes. Not this robotic shell that looks like him.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  Your husband sounds burnt out. He sounds completely exhausted with nothing but more exhaustion to look forward to. He’s probably tired of the redundancy and depressed. He probably needs a long vacation from responsibilities and a new career.

Edit: I forgot to mention that your husband is probably telling you that everything is fine because he doesn’t want you to feel guilty or leave you with the responsibilities of everything on your own. Also, thank-you for the awards, kind strangers.

MouthwashAndBandaids −  Can you show him this post? It is very well written and is coming from a place of concern. It sounds like he is having signs of depression.

maninmirr0r −  Sounds very familiar. I am 50M, and I’ve been where he is. I was not interested in hearing that I might have depression either. Didn’t sound right, I didn’t think that was what depression feels like. Doing some research at the time I found some stuff that got more open to getting help.

The first is that it’s not giving in, it’s not about being weak. It’s just a problem that he needs help fixing. Fixing it is not a bad thing, leaving it broken is a bad thing. My second thought for you is that often, men have a hard time talking about feelings because we don’t know what they are, how to describe them, how to recognize them.

Ask him if he’s depressed, he says no, because he doesn’t know if that feeling is depression, boredom, work stress, a memory of song he hates, he has no idea. It’s a cliche, but here’s the new part. We can recognize symptoms. Ask him about any strange symptoms he has. Can’t sleep? Forgets stuff?

Decides not to do things that seem like stuff he would enjoy? Naps? Naps where he can’t fall asleep? Late/early bedtime? Missed work? Lack of interest in s**? Boner trouble? Tummy issues? Get him talking about his symptoms, and you might recognize that some of them are emotions or feelings.

Gently point that out when it happens. And look for symptoms of depression. Not feelings. Third thing I learned. It’s common for men to resist a diagnosis of depression. All that stuff we grew up with gets in the way. What I had was adaption disorder with depressed mood.

That’s when you can’t adapt to something, it stresses you out, and you get symptoms like depression. You can treat it with meds, even if you can’t identify or fix the problem. For me it took some pretty massive life change. Still on meds though, because the stress just doesn’t end in 2020.

[Reddit User] −  Is it possible that he’s close to getting burned out?

Aegithus −  New-ish dad here, similar age. Also expecting my next. Also working hard and not being able to take much time for myself. I love my family to bits. I’m proud of them and I want to be the best dad in the world, but it felt life-draining sometimes. When I didn’t work, I commuted.

When I didn’t commute, I changed diapers, or fed my kid, or soothed him because he was crying, or just sang him a song because it helped him sleep. When I didn’t do all that, I tried to spend some time with my partner, or do some chores, or both. Then I slept. Sort of. The baby woke us up several times a night.

I was exhausted, but couldn’t think of a single item I could or should or wanted to remove from my day because it felt like I’d fail at something if I left it undone. Then I did it all, but took no pleasure in it because I always felt low.

Low on resources, low on energy, low on morale, low on sleep, so I can definitely relate to his robot coping mechanisms. If you can, I think you should try offering him a break from it all.

Get a family member to help you with the kids and ask your husband to take a couple of days of vacation and go fishing or hiking or just go to a nice place and sleep and watch sports and play games, etc.

Tell him that he doesn’t look very well and you think he needs it and you love him and won’t die without him for 2-3 days. When he comes back, try to get him to add some exercise in his schedule. I now go out for a 1 hour hike/run 3-4 mornings per week.

On paper, I am making my schedule even tighter and spending even more resources than before, but since I started doing it, I sleep better, my heart and lungs feel better and I have more energy for my family, not less.

We enjoy each other’s company much more now than before because more of the time we have together is quality time for all of us. I hope this helps.

Void-splain −  Also go to a doctor and get some blood work done, he could be having hormone or thyroid problems.

chromroy −  Sometimes, if you don’t have new things happening and today feels eerily like yesterday, it can feel like a loop. Which then brings about emptiness and without purpose. Sounds like he needs a hobby or something new to strive for

buffal0soldier −  I think you should tell him that you miss him. You miss his smile, you miss his jokes, you miss the goofy person he was. Ask him where that person went? Let him know that he is much more than just a husband and father.

Tell him how much he means to you, and how much his happiness means to you and your children. I think in situations like this, its helpful to remind a person of exactly what they are worth to you, and remind them that their entire identity isnt just based on family ties,

or a job, or something extraneous like that. I hope your husband is ok, and I hope you guys get thru this!

Titinaki −  Hey I see all these comments asking you to push him and ask him questions. That will drive him even further into the “depression” state that he currently is. When you’re in bed let him know that you can see something is troubling his mind and when he’s ready to talk it out you’ll be there for him and that you love him.

“I just want you to smile again” seems a little bit selfish. As you said he needs to smile for himself not because he feels like he has to. Men have sometimes complex feelings as women.

maxoys45 −  I know this’ll get downvoted to hell but it sounds like the reality of having kids while working full time to support the family has taken its toll on him. He’s probably already exhausted enough with 2 children and the thought of having another baby is mounting the pressure on him to provide.