My [32F] boyfriend [32M] doesn’t see my long commute as part of my contribution to chores and my patience is wearing thin

A Redditor shares her frustration with her boyfriend, who doesn’t acknowledge the toll of her long commute on her daily energy and household contributions. Despite managing a chronic illness, a lengthy drive to work, and most of the household responsibilities, she feels overwhelmed by the imbalance in their shared chores. Read the full story below for more insights.

‘ My [32F] boyfriend [32M] doesn’t see my long commute as part of my contribution to chores and my patience is wearing thin’

Please help me decide if I am overreacting here or how to come up with a compromise. Apologies that this is a bit ramble-y as I’m frustrated and trying to include all the relevant bits. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, living together for about ~1.5.

When we moved into our first apartment together, the plan was for him to be able to walk to work and I’d drive the ~1-1.5 hours (each way depending on traffic) to my job. It was meant to be the push I needed to try to get back into a grad program I had had to leave several years prior due to personal reasons (long story but I can provide further details if that would be helpful) and then I would also be in walking distance.

Well the appeal took longer than expected and ultimately didn’t go my way. I’ve been doing this commute coming up on two years now and I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he’d consider moving somewhere even halfway between our jobs when our lease is up and he said he’d “think about it” in a tone that clearly meant no.

Which is its own problem but the more pressing issue is that I’m SO tired all the time from all this driving. I have a chronic illness which means I have chronic fatigue anyway and the commute has been m**der.

I’d quit but the job I have is a really good opportunity for me and will help set me up for applications to a different program later this year (I’m getting fantastic experience and working on more papers to publish and I have flexible hours so I’ll be able to study for my GRE again, etc).

He tells me I should just get a different job and doesn’t understand why I’m doing this. I’m doing it for him and our relationship. But then he gets upset because I don’t contribute 50-50 to the shared household chores.

I feel like I’m driving a ton, plus doing 100 percent of the car upkeep, plus 100 percent of the cat care, plus I plan and schedule other things…expecting 50-50 on dishes etc isn’t fair. His view is that I should just get a different job and if I want more help on the car/car/date planning etc stuff I should just ask.

…except I do ask. Often times I will repeatedly ask and maybe he will do it, maybe he won’t. And part of what I need help with is the mental load of (for example) remembering to order cat food when we are low and making sure the car is gassed up for the week and so forth.

It also doesn’t help that he creates (at least) 80 percent of the mess in the kitchen that I’m then expected to clean. Shared dishes from a meal he cooked? Sure I can do those. The 20 dishes from his latest baking project, or the coffee grounds that somehow get everywhere – expecting me to clean those after everything seems a bit much and I’m getting super resentful and even angry at times.

Reddit please help. He’s a brilliant man that makes me laugh and when we are good we enjoy cooking and baking together and genuinely enjoy each other as human beings. How can I fix this?

TLDR: Boyfriend of 2 years doesn’t consider my lengthy (2-3 hours/day) commute part of my household chore contribution and feels chores should still be divvied up 50 50. I’m so so tired and in need of advice.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

coastalshelves −  Is anyone even reading the post or did you all just read the title?! OP, it sounds like you’re already doing more than 50% of the chores. This situation is no longer working for you and it’s not OK.

What happens when you tell him straight out that you can’t deal with the commute anymore, and you need the both of you to work out a solution? Can you make a list of all the chores that you’re doing 100% of, all the chores you’re doing 80% or 50% off, and do the same for him? Are there any chores that he does 100% of at the moment?

Finally, make a list of the free time both of you get after work, commute and chores. If he still refuses to see there’s a problem after that, then I’m sorry but he’s not some wonderful guy.

RTJ333 −  Tackle the issues separately. The commute issue and the chores/management of the household are two separate things. Maybe let him know the issues you’re currently having (don’t bring up the past) then ask him to think up some solutions. Getting your partner to help carry the mental load/management of the household is only possible if you give them a chance to do it without dictating how it should be done or fixing things. You need to let natural consequences happen.

0biterdicta −  I’m going to go against the grain here. It should be about ending up with a similar amount of free time once work, commute and household tasks are finished. Moreover, if you make an “one-off” mess (like baking, spilling something, coffee grounds going everywhere when you’re making coffee not daily dishes, weekly laundry or garbage), it’s your responsibility to clean those up. We teach children that, he shouldn’t have to be told or ask you to do it.

When you get a minute, sit down with the various options (new job, changing the chore balance, moving) and explain on paper why you think each option works or doesn’t. Ask him to do the same on his own, and trade papers. Force yourselves to think through the options and hear each others’ thoughts.

[Reddit User] −  I’m with your boyfriend. The commute you choose to continue to make should not count towards your responsibilities at home. Taking this job and staying there is completely your choice. If it’s too much on you change jobs to something closer to where you live.

gingerlorax −  Sorry but commute isn’t really relevant when it comes to chores at home – you both live there and splitting things 50/50 is what’s fair. You chose to work at this job and to live where you live. Obviously if you are going to continue working there, you need to move closer to your job and your bf should be willing to compromise on that.

But it really doesn’t have a thing to do with division of labor at home. If you’re upset about cleaning up after messes he makes for himself alone (ie if he gets coffee grinds everywhere making coffee, but you don’t drink coffee) then you can revisit things and ask him to please clean up after himself. But if he cooks, you should be doing the dishes etc

wemblewobble −  Move when the lease is up. 50/50 chores is a what he wants, so as a team you have to set up your life so that’s possible.

Do you think the Redditor’s boyfriend should take the commute into account when dividing household responsibilities? How would you approach finding a compromise when both partners have different views on contribution? Share your thoughts below!