My [31M] boss [35M] just made me aware I’m not well liked at work – specifically stating because of my personality, not work reasons. How do I move past this?
A 31-year-old man shares his distress after his boss (35M) informed him that he’s not well liked at work, specifically citing personality reasons. Despite his hard work and efforts to be pleasant to others, the revelation has left him shaken and questioning his place in the workplace.
He feels particularly hurt because he thought he had built close relationships with his boss and his boss’s girlfriend, but now wonders if his sarcastic sense of humor or past experiences have made him difficult to connect with. He seeks advice on how to move forward and whether changing jobs might be a good option. Read the original story below.
‘ My [31M] boss [35M] just made me aware I’m not well liked at work – specifically stating because of my personality, not work reasons. How do I move past this?’
I have always been somewhat of a loner and genuinely always believed no-one liked me. My family are very sarcastic and so my sense of humour tends to be sarcastic and dry. I always got on much better with older people (even as like a 10 year old) who could get my jokes and understood me much better.
I have worked very hard my whole life to dumb myself down and to try and conform to what people expected/wanted from me. I got married to an a**sive horrible person who made my insecurities worse and I got to a point where I only believed my mum liked me. We broke up nearly 3 years ago after she had an affair.
I went to therapy and spent a lot of time trying to rethink things and part of that has been to try and be myself, be nice and pleasant to people and whilst it’s been a hard road, I thought things were good and I was doing well.
However, yesterday at work, we were talking about new staff and how they were settling in, and I said it was weird to think how we were sat talking about some colleagues (not in a bad way) and how people must of done that about us separately.
He then said ‘yeah, they have about you and I get the impression they don’t like you and it’s definitely personality based, not work’. I just nodded and smiled (I know I’m a bit of an acquired taste) but it really floored me. The way he said it implied it was a lot of people and now I’ve been thinking about it for the past 24 hours.
I thought I was really close to him and his girlfriend who also works at the company. They helped me a lot when my marriage broke down and I thought of them like family. But the way he said it and seemed happy to be telling me has made me rethink some things they’ve said or done in the past.
It really hurt me because I try so hard not to be someone that offends people and I always do whatever I can to help, from covering shifts to staying on later to help people out. I am aware of 2 people who don’t like me but I know why they don’t. I didn’t realise there were others that dislike or hate me just because I’m me.
How do you move past things like this? I now don’t really want to go back to work. Should I just swap jobs? When I joined the company I was in a bad place in life (still with a**sive wife) and I made a terrible impression. Would a fresh start be an idea? I wonder if I’m just one of life’s hated guys. Any advice on what to do to move through this would be great.
Check out how the community responded:
HandInUnloveableHand − Should I just swap jobs? When I joined the company I was in a bad place in life (still with a**sive wife) and I made a terrible impression. Would a fresh start be an idea? This… isn’t the worst idea. I’m not a fan of running away from your problems, but people really underestimate the power of a fresh start. That said…
I have worked very hard my whole life to dumb myself down and to try and conform to what people expected/wanted from me. I feel like I know a lot of people like you.
Just know that the rest of out here can tell when you’re trying to be someone you’re not. You might want to consider going back to therapy during your job hunt or the first few months of the new job to make sure you aren’t repeating old patterns.
naiveyogurtcloset − If you consider it necessary to “dumb yourself down” for people it probably comes across as you being condescending because it absolutely is.
Ethelfleda − So people don’t like you. Who cares. People don’t have to like their coworkers. Adult life isn’t high school. BUT…it sounds like you actually would do well to go back to therapy and focus on short term social skill training.
Because based on your post you still are missing some basic social skills. You can be yourself without being an a**hole or dumbing down and being a mute. Learn how to be authentic while still appropriate.
arcxiii − Your boss is probably at least a friend or he wouldn’t have told you at all. If you really have to know, tell it’s been bothering you and just maybe ask for more details. Is it something you do that you can change or not, you need to find out if you really want to address it.
Sometimes when you try and help with work, does it feel like you are over-stepping or stepping on toes? Maybe it’s how you go about trying to help that can rub people the wrong way, but you’ll just be doing trial and error if you can’t get someone to be straight with you. It sounds like your boss likes you enough to be honest so continue the conversation..
SHITPISSFARTBARF − my sense of humour tends to be sarcastic and dry. In other words, “I am abrasive and unintentionally rude.” I always got on much better with older people (even as like a 10 year old) who could get my jokes and understood me much better. In other words, “I think I’m smarter than the people around me.”
I have worked very hard my whole life to dumb myself down and to try and conform to what people expected/wanted from me. Straight out of r/iamverysmart. Dude, stop it. I’m sure you’re intelligent but come on. Nobody likes a Lisa Simpson.
I went to therapy and spent a lot of time trying to rethink things and part of that has been to try and be myself, be nice and pleasant to people and whilst it’s been a hard road, I thought things were good and I was doing well.
Good, and I’m sure you’re improving, but it seems you’re not all the way there. It’s not just about changing what you *do,* it’s about changing how you see yourself and others. You see yourself as the smartest person in the room, and it shows.
Karitard − “It really hurt me because I try so hard not to be someone that offends people”. I think it would be helpful for you to look up strategies on how to interact with other people in ways that just don’t involve joking, at least until you’ve gotten to know them better.
My tip is to show an interest in others by asking them questions about themselves regarding something positive in their lives. It could have to do with a hobby you know they have, or something interesting on their desk.
Ask them questions, don’t interrupt, paraphrase what they say, don’t turn the conversation around into being about you, and don’t make any jokes. If they don’t dislike you they’ll probably ask you questions about yourself to get to know you. When you answer don’t self-deprecate, don’t make jokes, just answer honestly and as straightforward as you can.
BigPictureAnalysis8 − So you need to work on your interpersonal skills. It is not the end of the world. I think it’s a chance to really grow. You yourself said perhaps you aren’t the best at dealing with people, so is it horrible that your boss noticed? If you’re aware of it in your personality, clearly other people will notice.
If you two are close, he probably felt comfortable with you enough to mention it. I think he could have been a better manager in the way he broached the subject, and took some time to explain ways in which you can exercise certain skills to grow.
I think now you need to sit him down and ask for constructive feedback. What are people referencing in your behavior that is not going over well?
Sure, you could have a pity party.
But we rarely get honest feedback like this in a workplace and most people are not strong enough to take criticism like this. I would use it to have an honest look at yourself and which areas you can improve. We all have things we need to work on, and I think you can turn this into a real asset if you’re willing to have the right attitude.
ruta_skadi − You say your peers didn’t get your jokes but adults did and that you have tried to dumb yourself down. Those two parts both give the impression that you think you’re smarter than other people. I’m not saying you definitely think that of yourself, but maybe you say things that have given a similar impression at work.
OgusLaplop − Your boss is a good work friend, he was honest with you, would you rather he lied?. Now you can work on an issue, you didn’t know you had. A better friend would have told you earlier, but he was probably afraid on how to broach the subject to you.
You know you are an “acquired taste”, so you should know that implies that some people will not acquire that taste. You know a couple people dislike you and why, they probably poisoned waters for you as well.
So cut way back on the sarcasm, a lot of people do not appreciate it, ask your boss if there ways you can improve things and stop dumbing yourself down. And in a work environment, you need respect for your capabilities, way more than friendship, if you are looking for a good work environment.. Good luck
astraljackal − Normally I’d say not to care what they think, but it sounds like you’re not even being yourself. I have worked very hard my whole life to dumb myself down and to try and conform to what people expected/wanted from me. You will change who you are for other people. This is not an appealing quality, especially for us guys.
People can tell when you’re not being genuine and it doesn’t matter if you think you’re being nice. I mean if my coworker told me everyone didn’t like me I’d start grilling him for details. You smiled. That being said, maybe you give the impression of being too good for them. You said you’re a loner, but it’s only out of fear that everyone hates you.
You obviously care about having a good relationship with your coworkers. Do you talk to them? Ask about their lives, interests, etc.? I say all this because when I was a nice guy, I didn’t talk to people unless they spoke first. They assumed I thought I was too good for them. Just the thought makes me laugh, but it was 100% the case.
Now, when I leave a job, coworkers always want to stay in contact. You can be kind, but you have to be yourself. If you want to be included, just go join them. If you disagree, say it. If someone ribs you, crack a joke about them. Don’t fear r**ection.
Have you ever been in a similar situation where your personality was misunderstood at work? How did you manage the feelings of rejection or uncertainty? Do you think a fresh start at a new job is the answer, or is there a way to improve workplace dynamics by staying and working on yourself? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/PIBRJ