My [31F] boyfriend [30M] staunchly believes we did an art class together a long time ago. We never did and it is tearing our relationship apart, as he thinks i am lying, and i don’t know what to think.

A Reddit user shares their frustration about their boyfriend, Tom, who is convinced they took an art class together during university—a memory the user does not share. This disagreement has led to arguments, as Tom believes the user is lying and is hurt by their denial.

The user feels trapped between their desire to be truthful and the fear that their relationship may be falling apart over this seemingly minor issue. To learn more about the situation and how others have responded, read the full story below…

‘ My [31F] boyfriend [30M] staunchly believes we did an art class together a long time ago. We never did and it is tearing our relationship apart, as he thinks i am lying, and i don’t know what to think.’

This is kind of weird but i am at the end of my rope with this. Me and my SO Tom recently started dating again, currently we have been together for 6 months now. We were a couple for 3 years ago during university. We were close back then, but i ended up getting an amazing job offer from a big tech company and was required to relocate to SV,

Tom unfortunately was being forced to look after his two younger siblings, after his mother passed away. We ended up separating when we realized it wasn’t going to work. Last year i moved back home, after i went through a painful failed engagement, and a combination of burnout and my dad not being in good health.

We ended up getting back in touch, and one thing lead to another. At the start of this month i moved in with Tom after his final younger brother moved out to go to University. Stuff was great, and i was happy and he seemed happy. Then something weird happened, and i don’t know what to make of it.

Two weeks ago we were talking about redecorating and renovating (fixing two decades of wear and tear). Tom offhandedly mentioned that he still had “paintings we did together in art class”. This really confused me, i have no memory of doing this art class, but he remembers it like it was yesterday.

This lead to kind of a weird argument, where i denied this ever happening, but he would not drop it. Eventually i just kind of pretended to vaguely remember, just to get out of this. He didn’t believe me, and he spent 4 hours digging through facebook, his computer, and even dug out his old cellphone. He found nothing.

He seemed hurt and confused, and i begged him to lets just forget about it. However this started eating at me all of last week, my ex-fiance would do this. He would lie and give different accounts of events, or claim things happened that i didn’t remember. However they were always minor and meant to hurt (and almost always b**lshit). This was just weird.

I ended up spending hours combing through my records, and found nothing. He said we went and bought our supplies at a specific place, i have no bank records of that. I have no records of this ever happening, and i even asked a few people i used to be friends with who never remembered this. It bothered me a a lot.

On Wednesday we went to Tom’s Storage unit to fetch some stuff, and it immediately turned into him hunting for the art. He swears he put it there, he even remembers him putting it in there so vividly. But there was nothing, there was some art but from his family but nothing matched what i apparently painted (apparently i painted some sort of cute pink donut from some gum commercial?) or what he painted.

He even went on to vividly tell me how we would go and grab food before heading over to the college after a certain class we had together, but i don’t remember this at all. I was annoyed, really annoyed. We had a big fight driving home, where Tom complained that i just don’t remember, i was at the telling him i think he is wrong.

It was awkward that night and i broke down and told him he was wrong, and this isn’t going to work out if this continues. Today has been really akward, and i feel this stupid little thing of no significance is going to rip this relationship apart.

Tom seems dead set in his way, and i was honestly considering that this is a sign of mental illness, but this is the first time i have ever seen him act like this, and it bothers me so much. What am i supposed to do? I feel even if i just finally say “oh yes i remember now it is just going to lead to a huge argument”.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

inconclusivehush −  I don’t think he is lying. I think he is having a false memory and may be confusing you with someone else or even he had such a great time in that art class his mind stuck you into the memory because he associates you with great experiences through his life.

I think he is having a hard time letting it go because it is making him feel crazy and he is questioning his own sanity….. at some point we all remember things incorrectly and it can be very disconcerting if there is something that goes against what we “know” to be true…..

Kebar8 −  Thought I’d just share my experience. Once I had a dream where I bought a red and white podka dot bikini, I spent hours looking for it in my wardrobe it was only hours later when I realised that it was a dream. Not saying that’s we hat happening here but I could have sworn on my life I owned it.

Have you clearly explained the reasons why this is so upsetting to you, given your experience with your ex? If he can sit down and listen how you were previously manipulated, his reaction will let you know if you should stay or go ❤️

westkris107 −  When my sister had her first psychosis episode, it took a long time before anyone was aware of her mental illness because the warning signs were small.

Causative −  Him seeming hurt and confused not being able to find what he claimed makes me believe he is not making it up like your ex. You ex would not have looked for evidence they know isn’t there or given any signal that something was wrong. He either had a vivid dream derived from the cooking classes, has a stubborn false memory or is having a psychotic episode.

Tell him you believe he believes it and ask him to accept that you have no memory of it but that you both want to get to the bottom of it. Then you have the peace to actually dig this up together and get to the bottom of it. Track down that teacher and anything else he remembers and build the case together. Best wishes to you both!

Sentient713 −  Call your college and request your transcript. Same for him. You’ll know right away.

[Reddit User] −  Sounds like psychosis. It would be ideal if he could see a psychiatrist soon.

MinxyMouse −  “If the paintings are so real, WHERE ARE THEY, TOM? *WHERE ARE THEY???*” Wouldn’t you have records of signing up for the class? Like, even a pamphlet or syllabus? It’s just crazy that he’s so persistent on this- Why is it so hard for him to just accept that he’s wrong? That may be another issue here.

Benjamincito −  Maybe he had a really vivid dream?

MorallyApplicable −  Not that I have much experience with cheaters and etc, but sounds like he remembered a memory about a different woman.

Melkly −  It seems like there is a lot more to this. Your history with your ex and the g**lighting abuse. Him and his memory and perception of events do not mat with yours. First question I would ask myself would be, is he okay? He isn’t the abusive ex. He was a god term easy to start again relationship. He is going through something.

Have you asked him how all of this is making him feel? Because scared/fear is not the same as determination or g**lighting. What if, he is going so hard on sticking to his story because if it *isn’t* true that means something major is wrong. What if he is acting out of fear and feels he cannot share his vulnerability and thoughts because he feels out of control of his own reality.

Find out what this ordeal is making him feel, tell him how it is making you feel. The problem isn’t the missing art, but that you two are not communicating something to each other.
Do you actually care if he finds the painting? Does he know where this art stands in your priority list?. Why does he care so much?

Do you think the user should give in and pretend to remember the art class, or is it important to stick to the truth even if it causes conflict? How would you approach a situation where a partner’s memory and beliefs clash with your own? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!