My (31F) BF (29M) went to his brother’s wedding that I was not welcome at and now is looking for sympathy.

A woman grapples with the fallout of her boyfriend attending a wedding where she wasn’t welcome due to family conflict. The event ended in violence between her boyfriend and his brother, leaving her questioning the future of their relationship given his loyalty to a toxic family dynamic.

‘ My (31F) BF (29M) went to his brother’s wedding that I was not welcome at and now is looking for sympathy. ‘

My BF and I (31F) have been together two years, lots of marriage talk, serious relationship. About 6 months ago, his brother’s fiancée started getting pretty over the top touchy and inappropriate with him when his brother wasn’t around. He and I noticed it but apparently were the only ones.

She didn’t take hints of him avoiding being alone with her or physically removing her hands from him. In an attempt to not embarrass her, he ended up sending her a text basically saying he values their relationship but she’s recently started doing a bit too much and it made him uncomfortable.

Obviously it made me uncomfortable too but I figured I should stay out of it and let him handle. His 31M brother is a hot head who says and physically does whatever he wants to people without repercussion. That includes telling his mom and his family to go eff themselves regularly and pushing his mom around.

Needless to say, I never loved hanging out with the brother or fiancée for these reasons. Brother became aware of the text and flew off the handle, eventually resulting in a 2hr in person blowout where the brother, fiancée, and mom were yelling at my BF, but primarily at me,

for being “insecure” and trying to tear their family apart. Brother acted like he was going to physically hurt me a couple times. It was wild. The last 6 months have been spent with the mom being somewhat apologetic but still blaming me for everything, saying my “comments” (my BF’s text?) caused all the family issues.

She put it on me and my BF to “fix” it. I would be just peachy never seeing the bro and SIL again, but I went along with my BF’s failed attempts to repair the relationship. It basically got to the point where they said if I don’t apologize for my “comments” then there will be no healing.

Brother and SIL randomly decided to get married with about a week’s warning. My Bf was told they really wanted him there, but I was not welcome. I get it, I wouldn’t want them at my wedding either. I told my BF I expected if he went, there’d be some drama as there always is. He said no way!

My BF was torn between supporting me and not going vs. supporting his brother/family and attending. I told him to please make the decision for himself, not based on what I or his parents want.

Their relationship, though horrible and broken as it is, is obviously complicated and I didn’t want to make a dramatic statement like I’d break up with him if he went, so he doesn’t go, they somehow repair the relationship, and he forever sorta blames me because I may have forced him not to go, etc.

He decided he wasn’t going. An hour before the wedding, his parents told him if he didn’t show up, he wasn’t welcome to be in the family. He folded and went. I was not pleased, not because he went to the wedding, but because they emotionally blackmailed him into changing his mind.

My BF planned to leave after the ceremony and was cornered by his brother when he was walking out. They got into an argument as always, and the brother grabbed my BF by the throat and threw him into the garage door, causing scrapes and swelling.

BF came home that night sobbing and an absolute mess. I absolutely did and do not have it in me to offer much in the way of support? It’s taking a lot for me not to hit him with an “I told you so” and “this is the family you were so worried about losing?” I’m just disappointed in everything right now.

BF told his parents that he’s stepping back from the family after all of this craziness and violence, but I feel like it’ll only be temporary until they threaten him again. I’m just very concerned about our relationship and whether I stick around or not. Ugh!

Is OUR relationship beyond repair or worth sticking it out? Everything up to this last six months has been a dream, but most recently, a nightmare.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:.

mecegirl −  Give him some time to cool down, then have a serious talk. He needs to understand how capitualting to his family hurt the two of you.
This is the fork in the road. He has a lot to work through with his family.

They sound a**sive. He has to decide if he wants to go low to even no contact with them soon, though. It is the only way to protect the two of you. Therapy can help in the long run, but straight away, he needs to distance himself if any healing is to happen.

ZeldaSeverous −  Why are you with a man who does not value you enough to stand up to his family for you? Sure, it’s s**tty that he is experiencing fallout with his brother and you’re right to not have much sympathy to give.

But his parents, BIL and SIL threw YOU under the bus for a text your BF sent and your BF did nothing about it. Is that really what you want the rest of your life to be like? Second fiddle to his a**sive family?

needsmorecoffee −  Whatever you do, do not enter into a permanent relationship with this man until and unless he actually distances himself from his family and proves he can do it for the long haul. It’s up to you whether you even give it that much of a chance, because I guarantee there will always be some level of drama.

hawthornetree −  I think you should use your leverage to get him into therapy. I think you are badly positioned to help him with any of this, but he does need help.

Kitty_party −  Do you want kids? Because if you do you need to very seriously consider if you want to bring children into this situation. If you don’t then it’s a different conversation though I personally would nt want to tie myself to this family.

LongjumpingAgency245 −  Your BF should have contacted the police about the a**ault. It sounds like an a**sive family. Your bf needs counseling before he can create and enforce boundaries. If he isn’t willing to help himself, it is hard to continue to have sympathy.

DiTrastevere −  I think it’s very hard to be in a relationship with a man who will unnecessarily put himself in harm’s way to please his family. Your boyfriend might not be ready to be a boyfriend. He could be the kindest man in the world, but as long as he’s under his family’s thumb, their interests will always come before his – and yours.

If he can’t walk away from them, there will always be danger in your relationship. They will have access to your lives and they’ve shown what they will do with that access.  You and your boyfriend have a serious talk in your future. I hope he’s ready to make a difficult choice. 

wonderlandr −  I don’t think saying “I told you so” is very supportive or loving, especially when your bf is already hurting so much physically and emotionally. For some people, its incredibly hard to cut out family and I can only imagine how much regret and hurt he is feeling.

If thats not something you want to be there to support him for, well it sounds like you both are better off. I have a complicated relationship with one of my parents and I am frequently disappointed in who they’ve become and also in myself for hoping for better.

My partner has never rubbed my nose in it and instead is just there for me and helps me grow, even if its from lessons I had to learn a couple times. Its totally in your right to be fed up with the drama, and if thats the case I think you should leave but if you choose to stay,

you should find some empathy and understanding so you can be there for your partner like they need. edit: I agree that the family sounds super toxic and he should also be standing up for you though! I just think it sounds like hes going through a lot and I can relate.

languagelover17 −  Please search “don’t rock the boat Reddit” and the post from just no MIL will come up. Please read it and share it with your boyfriend.
His brother is unhinged and his parents enable it. Please have him actually distance himself.