My (30M) fiancee (29f) might have cheated at the beginning of our relationship. How would you proceed?

A man is grappling with the possibility that his fiancée may have emotionally cheated at the beginning of their relationship. She had been texting her ex for several months during their early dating period, even though they were already in a committed relationship.

Despite her apology, he feels betrayed, especially given his own painful history with infidelity in his first marriage. He’s unsure how to move forward and is seeking advice on how to process this situation.

‘ My (30M) fiancee (29f) might have cheated at the beginning of our relationship. How would you proceed? ‘

My (30M) fiancee (29F) and I have been together for 2.5 years. I proposed to her about 3 months ago and of course she said yes. Things have almost always been great. The worst time of our relationship was in the first 3-4 months when we were dating.

She texted her most recent ex that she had broken up with about 4 months prior to us dating. She would always tell me he was going through a really tough time with a family member passing. I wasn’t happy about it, but I never said anything and always gave her space.

The texting lasted 3-4 months into our relationship. I never texted other women, let alone an ex, but I let it go. Then last night she made a couple of weird comments about how the same guy is “looking great” these days and has clearly been hitting the gym. I was dumbfounded.

It brought up bad memories and I thought it was unprompted and out of line. So we talked about it and we discussed the texting at the beginning of the relationship again. She revealed to me that the reason she texted him wasn’t just because he was having a hard time,

but also because she didn’t like the fact that I was previously divorced a long time ago and she was unsure about the relationship. So it sounds to me like she went the first 3-4 months of the relationship keeping her ex emotionally on the hook in case things didn’t work out without telling me.

And she knew her ex was emotionally on the hook because he even told her “I still love you” while we were dating and she kept texting him. I’m just at a loss for words. I feel like this was cheating and I don’t know what to think.

She feels bad, but she also makes excuses for it by saying it was a while ago and we are happy and engaged now. My divorce in the past was because my ex wife had an emotional and physical affair that she left for. I’m crushed. It’s bringing back tons of bad emotions and memories. I’m having a hard time.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

iMightMakeSense −  Well, what do you want to do now that you’re engaged? It’s not helpful that this started off on this wrong foot with this other guy in the picture. What’s weird here is why she is even mentioning or even knowing what this guy is doing in his life today. I’d proceed with caution here….

potenttechnicality −  Why is she still in contact with or following the social media of this guy? How does she know about his gym habits? That is not something that happened years ago, that’s right now.You need to have come to Jesus chat with her. If you can forgive her past reaching out that’s one thing.

But the price of that needs to include this guy ceasing to exist in her world. As far your concerned, her continued interest in him feels like more of the same and you won’t have that in a marriage. No more catch up, no pleasantries, no merry Christmas.

Soggy-Abalone1518 −  This woman is trash.

airplane_porn −  So, this is recent for you, not a LoNg tiMe aGo since you just found out about it… And she carried out an emotional affair with her ex because she was jealous that you had divorced before meeting her? Take the ring back and send her on her way.

smashyosht −  No, this is weird. Lying about what she was actually doing and making comments about him once again regarding his appearance leads me to believe it’s not over. This really rubs me the wrong way and I would consider it relationship ending. She isn’t remorseful and is making excuses.

lilolememe −  “She feels bad, but she also makes excuses for it”. RED FLAG. She’s making excuses for doing something she shouldn’t have done instead of taking full responsibility and apologizing to you. Yes, what she did was in the past, but her attitude is the present.

If it had happened, and she left it in the past, then that’s one thing. The way she is making excuses and praising him now I think is what is causing your triggers more than anything.

AGAIN. RED FLAG FLYING HIGH. I think you need to reevaluate this relationship and the character of the person you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with.

LincolnHawkHauling −  Nah my dude. You guys are not “happy and engaged” when she randomly brings up how great her ex looks from all his effort in the gym. Especially when there is bad history there for you with him in general.

That is NOT cool. Personally I think the universe just did you a solid and took the mask off your fiance for a few moments. You got burned by your first wife…do you feel you can trust this woman 100% after all this?

yourmumdoesmydad −  don’t marry her. she’s a l**r and she’s keeping in contact with an ex that she knows still has a thing for her. you don’t want to marry someone who’s still got their ex on the radar.

either sit down and have a serious chat with her about how you’ll move forward from this, or call off your engagement. if you feel like it’s cheating, then it’s cheating.

tmchd −  I’m so confused, did she tell the ex that she wanted to be with him in that 3-4 months talking. Or she’s just talking with him hoping that the ex would still have feeling for her in the first 3-4 months of dating you? Ok that first 3-4 months…you guys have made yourselves exclusive too, right?

Not just dating to see if it’s compatible? My suggestion? Tell her openly that you are having a hard time over this information, and that you guys should postpone the the talk of wedding. You can either make it a long engagement as you sort things out or you can break up with her over this.

Hayek_School −  So what you are telling us is she is not showing any remorse. Feeling bad isn’t enough. Without out true remorse, there is no chance of you moving forward. And thats without even knowing the full story. You truly have no idea what actually happened in those first months.

What she said recently is just salt in the wounds. I would be very careful OP. Put the brakes on the marriage at the very least. You wouldn’t be in the wrong for breaking up with her. Making excuses for what she did would be something I would have a hard time getting past.