My (30F) soon to be sister-in-law (25F) is trying to steal the spotlight from my fiancé (28M) how can I stop her?

A bride-to-be shares her concerns about her fiancé’s sister attempting to steal the spotlight at their wedding. Known for being attention-seeking, the sister has already inserted herself into the wedding plans, prompting the bride to seek advice on how to maintain focus on the couple without causing a scene.

‘ My (30F) soon to be sister-in-law (25F) is trying to steal the spotlight from my fiancé (28M) how can I stop her?’

So to put it plainly, my fiancé’s sister is spoiled and more than a little selfish. She frequently butts heads with her brother because she has an attention seeking personality that she uses to get their parents on her side of disputes and arguments. It can be as small as she is offended by something he said, to as big as her saying no one loves her or thinks of her because we don’t all fall in with every whim she has.

Now for our situation. We are getting married mid January with a smallish ceremony. Originally my fiancé and I were going to elope, but after talking with some of my family and his, we decided to have a small wedding and invite those closest to us. His parents have been very generous and helpful, and his mom has been working with her friends to make this happen both physically and financially. She’s a god-send and without her, we would basically be getting married in a backyard with a couple witnesses.

Here’s the dicey part. His sister was apparently talking with some of her friends, and when they heard she didn’t have any special specific roles in the wedding, they were surprised and concerned. His sister became upset, but instead of talking to my fiancé and I, she went to their mom and complained about the situation to her. His mom then came to me and tried to suggest maybe the sister could stand beside Arnaud during the ceremony, since he only has one groomsman.

He and I discussed this, and he said he would prefer not to. I found out today that his mom then approached him in private and asked if his sister could be the ring bearer. He was not happy about it, but felt he didn’t have a choice but to agree. I was disappointed, because I had wanted to ask his groomsman to be the ring bearer, as he is my fiancé’s best friend since childhood.

We have found another way to honor his best friend, but my issue is that this is not the first time his sister has tried to take the spotlight away from my fiancé, or at least force him to share it. She frequently acts out when he is getting attention or praise, and his parents coddle her through it. I am worried she will only continue to press for more attention on such an important day, and that my fiancé will suffer for it.

So my question is, is there anything I can do to keep her in her proper place during the wedding so that she doesn’t try to overshadow or distract from my fiancé and I on our special day? I don’t want to do anything disruptive unless I absolutely have to, as she doesn’t react well to any sort of confrontation no matter how gentle or well intended.

TLDR: My fiancé’s sister is taking attention away from him on our wedding day, and I’m worried she will try to take more. His parents aren’t helping meditate, and I am unsure how to handle it. What can I do to keep her from taking the spotlight from my fiancé and I on our special day?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

nemoswims −  Your fiancé needs to stand up to his mother. This is not her or your future sister-in-law’s special day. What they want, truly, does not matter. I respect completely that your future MIL has been wonderful but this is YOUR and HIS day, not Mom and Dad’s, or sisters.

Your fiancé was pushed into a corner by his parents, who created and spoiled his sister to the point of entitlement to believe she deserves to be in the wedding when you both had already explicitly said no. I doubt you or your fiancé will stand in HER wedding or be apart of it in any capacity one day and she’ll find any excuse in the book to make that happen.

Make sure your day is about you and your fiancé and your guys’ wishes, not what Mom or sister wants. There’s really no options here unless someone puts their foot down, you may want to start creating boundaries now before it’s too late.

mellow-drama −  This is solvable. I suggest you and your fiance sit down with Mom and explain that in order to foster a good relationship between you and sis, and for brother and sis to continue their evolution into a healthy adult sibling relationship, you guys need to speak directly to each other whenever there is a conflict. Come prepared to explain what triangulation is, and why it’s an unhealthy dynamic.

Explain that in this one instance, you and fiance will allow sister to be ring bearer because fiance already said it was fine but that in the future you expect SIL to come to you or fiance directly if there is an issue. Mom’s role is to remind SIL that you three are all adults and you are responsible for the relationships between each of you, not her. So if SIL is bringing something to mom, you’d appreciate it if she would redirect SIL, saying something like “Have you brought this up to OP? Sounds like something you two need to discuss directly.”

Your job, and fiance’s job, is to remember that SIL doesn’t have any power over you. It’s also to remember that you are to each put the other first, over everyone else – that’s what marriage is. He should not have agreed to giving that role to SIL without discussing with you. He needs to practice saying “I’m going to discuss that with OP and I will let you know OUR decision.”

He is used to car salesman tactics, being pressured into thinking every drama situation SIL dreams up is urgent and must be solved on the spot. Stopping that cycle – just taking time before giving an answer – will go a long way in helping him stand up for himself, and you, in the future.

deepsleepsheepmeep −  You need to have a discussion with your fiancé. He has allowed this to go on his whole life, and his parents have enabled it. My suggestion would be to elope with just the 2 of you. Your fiancé can have a discussion with his mom beforehand letting her know that the sister’s history of attention seeking will ruin the wedding, and that you both would rather elope rather than have a sister-centered wedding. If the mom doesn’t immediately whip sister in line, then you elope without family.

You both need to stand firm in this decision and be clear that you won’t tolerate sister’s antics. If she keeps it up, his family will be cut off. Then actually cut them off. If your fiancé isn’t willing to do these things, you should reconsider marrying him. You will be stuck placating a bratty sister for the rest of your life if you don’t take a hard stance.

AuntyVenom −  I’m wondering why this is your role instead of your soon-to-be husband’s? It’s his sister; can you work out with him a way to mitigate his sister’s antics? What are his thoughts & suggestions in response to your worry that she’s gonna be an a**hole at your wedding?

SizeDistinct1616 −  You give give her a role in “the management,” of the day itself where her job is to make sure things are co-ordinated and running smoothly. She’ll be a busy bee and out of sight for a lot of the wedding.

consequences274 −  Your fiance is a wimp, he needs to grow a pair and stand up to his family.

UndebateableMom −  The biggest problem is that your fiancé agreed to involve his sister without consulting you. That needs to be addressed before the marriage. Enlist the aid of a friend. “If Suzy starts acting up, can you please intervene. Remove her or stop her from talking or shut down what she is doing.”

pookapotomus2 −  Elope and tell them all very plainly why.

Usual_Bumblebee_8274 −  Oh no. You are starting off so wrong. This isn’t a problem for you to solve. It’s for your partner. You handle your family, he handles his. It’s one thing to sit down & have a conversation w mom if he asks you too but if it doesn’t bother him- don’t let it bother you. It’s wasted energy. If they are going to change, it will be for his sake.

SnooRecipes9891 −  No, you can’t do anything. This is the family you are marrying into along with all their apparent dysfunction.