My (30F) husband (37M) are in disagreement because I denied an opportunity for one of our daughters, and he refuses to accept my reason for it. How can we resolve this?

A Redditor shares a marital disagreement with her husband over whether their daughter, Maria, should begin pointe ballet early. While the husband is eager for Maria to seize the opportunity.

The mother is concerned about the physical risks to her daughter’s body and believes she is not yet physically mature enough for it. This disagreement has caused tension between the couple, affecting their daughters and their family dynamic. Read the original story below:

‘ My (30F) husband (37M) are in disagreement because I denied an opportunity for one of our daughters, and he refuses to accept my reason for it. How can we resolve this? ‘

My husband and I have twin daughters, who are eight years old, and they have been doing ballet for four years. They are both very good. For the sake of this, I will call them Maria and Dina. Both girls have always done well. They are in a very good school, and I am proud of them. I think ballet is good for them, and my husband agrees.

However, recently their teacher came to me and said that she thinks Maria should begin pointe early, and start taking classes a year up. Typically, at the school they are at, the girls begin at either ten or eleven, with some exceptions. And Maria was an exception. I told her I would need to think first.

I did not tell the twins, and only my husband. He thought it would be a very good opportunity, but I was hesitant. This was because I had read about the effects pointe can have on their feet and bones if it is done too early. I told my husband I was going to decline the teacher’s offer, and that I don’t think it would be safe for Maria to begin pointe at such a young age.

While I did not do ballet growing up, I did rhythmic gymnastics and I know the importance of taking care of your body, because I have a lot of pain now. Maria is also not physically mature in any way, she’s quite petite, and I don’t think it would be good for her at all.

However, my husband was not happy with my decision. He thinks I am depriving Maria of this opportunity because Dina did not get the same opportunity, and that it’s important for her to have all opportunities that come her way. He’s always favoured Maria in some ways, and believes that she will be a star and a very good future.

It is not far to Dina at all, who is very intelligent and a beautiful dancer, but it is what it is. Because they are identical, they are quite competitive, but Dina is more reserved. She’s more anxious, and gets o**rwhelmed easily, while Maria is very social and speaks well. And my husband believes that is important.

It bothers me that he prefers her, and Maria has developed a bit of a complex because of it, but she’s grounded enough. Personally I believe the reason why Maria is getting offered this opportunity is because her teachers prefer her to Dina. Dina’s only issue is that she struggles remembering sometimes, which frustrates her teachers.

But that has nothing to do with her strength or technique, and to me, they are very equal with all of those. I have communicated the reasons for my decision to my husband several times, but he is still very upset that I’ve made this decision.

While I do generally go by the rule that a decision in a marriage should be made by both of us, I really didn’t want my daughter having permanent physical issues because she has a small chance of becoming professional in the future. It isn’t worth it.

But my husband just hasn’t taken this well. He’s told Maria about my decision, and now both girls are upset. Maria is angry because she thinks I’m being unfair and taking away her opportunity, and Dina is upset because she feels inferior to Maria.

Maria has become unbelievably stroppy now, she refuses to do simple things just to be difficult, and my husband fusses over her all the same. I am upset with him. I’ve told him what he has done is childish and immature, but he refuses to accept any of this.

I sleep in a separate room now, which upsets the girls, especially Dina, but I can’t stand being in the same room as him right now, since he deliberately upset our daughters and it’s resulted in them being difficult for me. He’s not the one looking after them, and it’s very frustrating.

I feel very unhappy right now, I’ve created a complete mess. We’ve been married for nine years now, and we’ve never had such a disagreement. It’s embarrassing, since I should know how to resolve my own disagreements, but I just have no idea what to do.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Free_Village_4836 −  Shame on your dance school for even considering pointe for a child that young! Nowadays most schools won’t invite until 12 – and that’s only if puberty is underway and growth has occurred. IMO it’s child abuse.

tessakarle −  As a professional ballet dancer, there’s no way that the potential ‘success’ that could be gained from your daughter starting pointe at 8 years old (that your husband seems to think could come from this opportunity) would outweigh the potential risks and physical damage.

Ballet comes with high injury risk regardless, but this is simply not an okay suggestion at all and could lead to lifelong chronic pain. Speaking from personal experience as someone who went on pointe later than other girls in my ballet class due to not being cleared to start pointe by a specialised dance podiatrist

(which I found extremely upsetting at the time – I was very small for my age and my bones simply had not formed properly in my feet yet), there is nothing in the grand scheme of things to be gained from starting pointe before others.

Both girls should be doing a pre-pointe class for at least a year prior to starting pointe work including feet strengthening exercises to ensure they are able to start pointe work safely. I look back now at the girls who went on pointe before me, and none of them got even close to becoming a professional dancer – there simply was no benefit to starting pointe sooner.

Your husband clearly does not have any understanding of ballet at all, and I’m so sorry to hear that he’s spun this situation to make it a sour experience for all of you. I know you’ve written that you believe this ballet school your daughters are at is the best school they could be training at,

but I honestly do not believe any reputable ballet school with the long term health of their dancers in mind would suggest putting an 8 year old on pointe.

The extra strength and maturity that will be gained in the coming years of training will make the transition onto pointe much smoother and safer – I wouldn’t be even considering pointe work until at least 11-12, and most top ballet schools worldwide would absolutely agree with that.

hyperfixmum −  I am upset for you at your husband. I don’t know why he told Maria and Dina and caused unnecessary division between your children. If you were going to tell them because their ballet instructors might eventually tell them, the whole family should have sat down together.

I did ballet until 23. I am concerned that the instructor wants to put an 8 year old en pointe – audibly gasped when I read that. If these were my daughters, that would actually have me move them to a different studio because it would tell me a lot about their ballet philosophy.

Obviously, it would be a slow transition I’m sure they have friends. If anything, if Maria is showing early excellence, I would think additional training or cross training at stretch camps, ariel, etc. would be the move.

I think it’s important to remember at the end of the day, dance studios want to make you life long members and it’s a business. It behooves them to flatter children and convince them to sign them up for more classes, sign up and try out for competition groups, etc.

It also is a lot about ego, does it make the studio look good to have a young beautiful en pointe student, does in play into our ego as parents that we have the special kid, the talented one. You are wise to protect her from all the complications that come with this decision.

It isn’t the best for her as a long term dancer or athlete. I also don’t know if her emotional maturity would match other students and I don’t think that should be accelerated either, pushing to deal the increased criticism and feedback from instructors, comparing to older girls.

I don’t know what you need to do or say to get your husband on the same page. I honestly think you both should watch some videos, podcasts, audiobooks about twins. It’s important for them to have their own identity, and know how to approach competing and comparison. Whats the long goal?

Have a healthy and peaceful family who nurture long lasting relationships with each other into adulthood, while they have a strong sense of self and confidence. Your husband needs to start doing 1-on-1 time with each twin each week so he can learn and connect with their differences.

There is beauty in each of their personalities. There needs to be an action plan to right this wrong and turn the ship. It feels if your husband had more balance without favoritism, you wouldn’t overcompensate to protect and ensure Dina is okay. They’ll both sense that.

OkPhilosopher1313 −  You have a really big issue with your husband.. He is creating a very damaging and toxic dynamic between your children. This is going to cause trauma and severe self-esteem issues for Dina, and golden children (like he is treating Maria) barely do well in life either as they learn very problematic social skills.

On top of that he is also using your children as a weapon against you, not caring that he is hurting them in the process. If you don’t work, please get a job so you gain some financial independence from your husband.

And you should really try to get your husband to agree to start couples counseling and family counseling to work on these issues. Although I suspect he’s too emotionally unintelligent to ever admit, realise or acknowledge that his behaviour is problematic.

plastic_venus −  In relation to the dance issue I’d suggest showing him medical evidence of your concerns about her health should she start early (assuming they’re accurate – I know nothing about ballet).

That won’t however address the fact that he’s willing to use (and hurt) the children to try and b**ly and manipulate you into doing things his way. I also wonder what “he’s not the one looking after them”. Means. Does he not also raise them?

Piano-mom −  As a mother of a child who dances, yes, kids can absolutely develop problems if they start pointe too early. They have to be physically developed enough plus have strong enough technique that they are less likely to injure themselves. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting another year to make sure your child is strong enough to handle it.

Having said that, I am concerned about your comment about the teachers favoring one daughter over another. They are trained to see things you don’t see. And it will be natural for one child to develop at a different rate than the other.

Your husband telling your children about the situation is completely m**ipulative and not ok. You two need to have a serious discussion about it and possibly counseling to learn how to handle conflict better.

yjskfjksjfkdjjd −  I think you have a bigger problem on your hands than you’re currently addressing. Your husband’s favouritism of Maria is only going to make her worse as she ages, and he’s already weaponising her against you when he disagrees with you.

You’re right that pointe can hurt their feet, but obviously Maria isn’t old enough to understand the ramifications this can have on her future and is just upset that she’s being denied an opportunity she’d enjoy. Meanwhile, this has reinforced it for Dina that she’s worse and less worthy than Maria.

I think at the least this should be grounds for a long run of couple’s counselling sessions, but I would personally consider your husband’s favouritism alone to be a dealbreaker, and obviously we’re long past that point now.

You’re trying very hard to protect one of your daughters from damage to her feet, but not doing enough to protect both your daughters from long term damage to their mental wellness.

Sea-Promotion-8309 −  Multiple issues tangled up here. Getting the obvious out of the way:. 1. Pointe at 8 is insane. 2. Your husband going behind your back to tell the girls is a d**k move.

Having said that, I do think you need to re-examine your attitudes RE equal opportunity for the two of them. They’re different people, and there will come a day when one of them earns an opportunity that the other really doesn’t deserve.

They’re not going to be equally talented at everything – ‘theyre competitive’ and ‘i don’t want Dina feeling inferior’ are bridges that you will need to work out how to cross. If it had been a more age-appropriate opportunity (a solo or something) – would you have let her do it?

Saarman82 −  Wait, you show him scientific studies about the dangers of starting this too early, he doesn’t care. He tells your daughters the story, AGAINST YOUR WISHES, causing all sort of family strife, he doesn’t care. He is alienating one of his TWIN daughters, he doesn’t care.

I’m having a hard time reconciling why you stay with him. I’m getting a “pageant mom” vibe from your husband. He’s more excited for the prestige of one of his daughters excelling at a young age than worrying about the physical dangers of this.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 −  Have you considered getting a professional opinion from a sport physiotherapist or similar professional. Take Maria along and get advice.

I have twin nieces and one did not have the strength in her feet or legs according to the physiotherapist and was not able to progress as quickly as her sister. My understanding was that each child was assessed by a professional (not dance teacher) before being invited to do pointe.

Do you think the mother made the right decision for Maria’s health, or is the opportunity too important to decline? How can the couple resolve their disagreement without causing more harm to their daughters? Share your thoughts and advice below!